To insist on speaking to the parents if my son is staying over

My son had a sleepover at the weekend for his birthday, just 2 friends, nothing big. 1 mum contacted me and brought him to the door and we had a lovely chat, the other was dropped off and picked up with no contact.
I would definitely have made contact in advance. For the record, my son just turned 14.

I ask this too - i find it incredible that most parents don’t do this . I have a 13yr old and a 16 yr old.

Totally reasonable. My eldest had two newer friends stay over recently and both parents reached out and wanted to meet. I invited them in but neither wanted to stay long. I think we give safe vibes to other parents. They had a great time and the parents were happy, as was I.

We had similar to this today - my 12 year old son said a school friend had invited him for a sleepover - it’s someone who has been up to our farm to play a handful of times since they started year 7, and who has slept over here once. I have met the mum just on that one occasion (she seemed very nice, but we spoke for a few minutes tops). So, because I had her number from that previous time, I texted her just to confirm what time and what to bring. It all checked out and the boys are over there now having a lovely time, but I always make contact with parents when inviting kids of that age for sleepovers etc, and I contact the parents if my son goes to stay somewhere even with his best friend as it’s just polite to check it’s a real arrangement and not something the boys have cooked up between them without checking!

I let my 14 year old make his own arrangements but prompt him to ask what he needs to bring, and he only goes for sleepovers with his closest friends (a group of 6 of them and they almost all go very time), so I know all the parents a bit now anyway.

YANBU, he’s still a child and the parents would need your details in the event of an emergency. Your son is just being a typical 12 year old

Or course you need to meet the parents. I mean, who are these people??

Mine would be back on their bikes and coming home.

I personally wouldn't allow a sleepover in these circumstances; but if I did they would be coming home to pack some things and I'd then drop them off.

I think your title is different from what you implied in your op, and what some people are replying to.

"To insist on speaking to the parents if my son is staying over"

is different for me, from

"Knowing where he is, whose house it is, and being able to contact him (and he us) "

My care didn't either. Including letting my kids become independent.

It IS odd in my circle of friends - what is wrong with me saying that? I wasn't judging you, just saying it was unusual and I wasn't the only one. Great that you have a different set up that works for you. Not sure why you felt the need to make a passive aggressive comment that implied that maybe my folks stopped caring for me at 18. It's 30 years later now and we're thick as thieves. Being allowed to spread my own wings as an adult didn't do me any harm at all.

Insisting on meeting your child's friend family when they are 19 is probably the opposite of "caring". How are they meant to develop any independence?

Odd or not , my DS was very happy for me to drive him and meet his new uni friend and his family. In fact several years later we are all good friends. My care for my kids didn’t stop at 18

I thought that was odd too! I was at university at 19, my parents had no clue where I was staying the night!

Not in the least, op. You’d be extremely negligent if you didn’t.

Absolutely you should double check with the parents that they agree and are there to supervise and yo know where he is.

This is very basic.
Don't listen to his complaints.

My children certainly weren't doing random sleepovers at that age in houses i didn't know.

Yep ! 😄

At 19?

You are most definitely not being unreasonable. You are the adult and you are the parent, it's your job to keep your son safe (the best, as parents we can). Yes, you absolutely need an address of where he'll be staying and yes, you need a phone number for the parent/s. You need to check with the child's parents that it's convenient for him to stay. For all you know, the boys have cooked the idea up between themselves but the parents have no clue, until your son appears on their doorstep!!

My rule has always been if you're at someone else's house I need contact with their parents.
Hasn't come up yet with the 12 year old, who still only has "playdates" with people we've known forever (their choice)
But not that unusual, 15 year old had a friend over in the day a couple of weeks ago and the Dad asked for my number.

Not remotely unreasonable. When my 19 YO DS went to stay with a friend who lives about 50 miles from us , I insisted on driving him there and meeting the parents !

I would ring and speak to the parents to check plans and that there was going to be an adult in until DC were 16. Once they went into 6th form I would still sent a text message just to check it was ok.

At that age and when it's his first time staying with that particular family AND you don't know the friend or the parents, I would absolutely make sure that you (or son's other parent) has spoken with one of the parents about the sleepover plans. With an established friend who routinely stays over at yours and vice versa, I might not but it's not out of the ordinary either.

I wouldn't let my two sleepover unless I knew the family, in case of lax parenting, pervy uncles or aggressive dogs.

Yes absolutely you speak to the mum. DS used to moan about me doing this but when I spoke to the mum they’d often have exactly the same approach! At 16 it’s different but 12 no way would my son be going off somewhere I didn’t know with people I hadn’t met.