To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

Some people are missing the part where he asked me if would be ok with him going. If he would’ve come home and said something like “X messaged me, she’s going to cut my hair for me to practice” I would never say he is not allowed to. I would never use those words. I would never tell him he CANT do something or it’s forbidden etc. that isn’t whats happened. He asked me the question whether this is something I’d be okay with and I answered him honestly and told him why. He can choose to ignore me. I’m not going to chain him up or abuse him or stand in front of the door to prevent him from leaving.

It’s my mistake for wording it this way in my OP when I should have said “AIBU to not want DH to go” or something. However I feel like because I said I’m not ok with it, this is essentially me “not allowing” him, because I don’t believe he will go behind my back. He was essentially asking permission without directly saying “can I do this?”. He asked a question and I gave an answer

Some people are missing the part where he asked me if would be ok with him going. If he would’ve come home and said something like “X messaged me, she’s going to cut my hair for me to practice” I would never say he is not allowed to. I would never use those words. I would never tell him he CANT do something or it’s forbidden etc. that isn’t whats happened. He asked me the question whether this is something I’d be okay with and I answered him honestly and told him why. He can choose to ignore me. I’m not going to chain him up or abuse him or stand in front of the door to prevent him from leaving.

It’s my mistake for wording it this way in my OP when I should have said “AIBU to not want DH to go” or something. However I feel like because I said I’m not ok with it, this is essentially me “not allowing” him, because I don’t believe he will go behind my back. He was essentially asking permission without directly saying “can I do this?”. He asked a question and I gave an answer

You do you. I know I would far prefer to be raising children on my own, without financial support but with my dignity intact and without the feeling of constantly having to police the behaviour of another grown adult (and I did raise a child alone). And for your financial wellbeing to be dependent on your success at policing this other adult to prevent him sticking his dick in another woman…I’d honestly rather live on the breadline than live like this.

But to come back to the fundamental point you simply can’t “nip infidelity in the bud” on behalf of someone else. It’s a nonsense. You don’t have autonomous control over the desires or behaviour of another adult.

Trust is not some all encompassing thing. I can't believe anybody thinks that.
You can trust people to do some things but not others.
That's the truth of it.
People are flawed. They have strengths and weaknesses.
A relative is an extremely good financial advisor, I would trust her completely on this.
I would not trust her, however, to not eat all the biscuits.

If a woman is married to a man who is otherwise a good husband, then maybe staying married to him is a better option than surviving on her own.
Especially if she has children.

To be honest if you think that a woman struggling financially on her own, maybe living in highly constrained circumstances, having to raise children largely by herself in a state of constant stress is an improvement to having a husband who is otherwise a great support bar a maybe one-off incident of infidelity then I could not disagree with you more.

But as infidelity is largely not a good thing in a marriage, it's probably best to nip any developing interests you sense in the bud. If you can.

Trust is not some all encompassing thing. I can't believe anybody thinks that.
You can trust people to do some things but not others.
That's the truth of it.
People are flawed. They have strengths and weaknesses.
A relative is an extremely good financial advisor, I would trust her completely on this.
I would not trust her, however, to not eat all the biscuits.

If a woman is married to a man who is otherwise a good husband, then maybe staying married to him is a better option than surviving on her own.
Especially if she has children.

To be honest if you think that a woman struggling financially on her own, maybe living in highly constrained circumstances, having to raise children largely by herself in a state of constant stress is an improvement to having a husband who is otherwise a great support bar a maybe one-off incident of infidelity then I could not disagree with you more.

But as infidelity is largely not a good thing in a marriage, it's probably best to nip any developing interests you sense in the bud. If you can.

I’m sorry I couldn’t disagree more with any of this.

There is literally no point to a marriage without fidelity or trust. A person you are legally yoked to who you don’t trust is just toxic baggage and in any situation you will be 100% better off on your own.

And if you really believe this nonsense about men cheating as some predetermined evolutionary destiny you shouldn’t get married at all.

Why spend your adult life in a state of paranoia about something you have no control over?

It is what it is.
We're animals under a thin veneer of civility.
The evolutionary psychologist Dr David Buss is clear that men tend to cheat for sexual variety, while for women it's about emotional dissatisfaction.
I am guessing that you've not studied it like he has.

It's not about dignity, it's about reality.

And, believe me, there are far, far more important reasons to be married than sexual fidelity.

Though if a woman cheats it's tied up with her overall view of her husband so he's better off divorcing her as she doesn't respect him.

It can only get worse for him if she cheats.

In my view, it may be worth trying to fix things if the man cheats, better still, as I advise here, it's even better to nip it in the bud if possible.
Prevention is better than cure.

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it.

When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist).

He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

It is what it is.
We're animals under a thin veneer of civility.
The evolutionary psychologist Dr David Buss is clear that men tend to cheat for sexual variety, while for women it's about emotional dissatisfaction.
I am guessing that you've not studied it like he has.

It's not about dignity, it's about reality.

And, believe me, there are far, far more important reasons to be married than sexual fidelity.

Though if a woman cheats it's tied up with her overall view of her husband so he's better off divorcing her as she doesn't respect him.

It can only get worse for him if she cheats.

In my view, it may be worth trying to fix things if the man cheats, better still, as I advise here, it's even better to nip it in the bud if possible.
Prevention is better than cure.

Sorry but painting all men as sex driven cavemen is so simplistic and insulting. This neat division of motivation between the sexes is absurd: men and women are so much more than their biological hardwiring. There are millions of men who have no desire to cheat and millions of women who do.

Honestly though if you genuinely believe, as your post suggests, that all men are basically little more than dogs on heat who need to be constrained all the time by their wives there is no reason to get married.

The point at which I needed to police the behaviour of my husband to stop him fucking another woman would be the point I left. If you have a scrap of self respect it is one strike and you are out. What on earth is the point of sharing your life, children and finances with someone you have to run around after life a small randy dog?

Have some dignity.

"What a great idea! I'll come along too and me and her can have a good chat while she's doing your hair!"

See how he reacts to that.

This is such a simplistic view of this issue.
It really is.
Men tend to cheat for sexual variety.
It may have nothing to do with how they view their marriage.
They see it as outside of their marriage hence the awful but appropriate expression 'a bit on the side'.
Why, when caught, do they say' she meant nothing to me'. Well to be fair as unsavoury as that may be they're not lying.

To women this may not make sense, but it does to men, so given this, no wife should allow situations to arise like this if she can help it.

Like I said, there's no point a man being all possessive as, unless he keeps her prisoner-which I am not advocating for AT ALL, hell no- she really will cheat if she has a mind to.

Obviously you carry on ignoring the differences. It's not my place to tell a stranger on the Internet how they should think. It's just my view.

Oh and even if he does cheat, many women forgive so presumably he has other qualities that make him 'worth' being married to.

The OP needs to put her foot down and make it clear that should he continue seeing this woman, he can leave. Or she leaves.

I hate this mindset that justifies treating men like sex mad half-wits who need to be controlled in order to remain faithful.

If your husband needs to be treated like a spaniel in order to not fuck other women he isn't worth being married to. If you're "laying down the law" or "nipping it in the bud" or "keeping him on the leash" like a toddler, you've already lost the battle. It's as simple as that.

Agree