Page 3 | To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

Fellohesh · 2026-05-27T14:39:44+00:00

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it. When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist). He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

PinkEasterbunny · 29/05/2026 17:34

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 14:30

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

Excellent post - you put this better than I could

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 17:27

Notsosweetcaroline · 29/05/2026 17:18

That’s just a way to stop it let’s be clear. Your aim is the same objective, don’t tell him he can’t go, but emotionally blackmail,him into not going,

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If you see relating feelings in a relationship as emotional blackmail I can't help you.

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 17:22

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 17:08

Of course you can't control another person. Obviously. If you want to boil it down to that. But in a relationship you can certainly express your feelings and let your partner know if their behaviour makes you unhappy or you find it threatening to your relationship. Sometimes they will take that in board, like I did. And many others whose partners have let them know that they are crossing boundaries, causing strain on a relationship and stop things before it gets too late also. Lots of people, may disregard and go ahead as they do wish to pursue it. I realise you can't stop it or control it. But as a loved one you have some influence by stating your feelings and pointing out the damage that could be done. Affairs don't happen out of nowhere.
It's an insanely fatalistic view to just let it all just wash out around you, keep your mouth shut, see what happens because you can't control it. I mean I have admiration for people who live like that but most people can't entirely sit back when they're worried their relationship is going to go down the pan. They are going to tell a person that it's hurtful or distressing or just not good. Which I believe op has. If that's "controlling" so be it.
That's my takeaway from this thread.

But explaining you don’t like it is the only thing you can do. It might have changed your thinking but it’s naive to think that it would be the same for most people.

You can only decide what you do as a result. Some of these suggestions on here are batshit!

Notsosweetcaroline · 29/05/2026 17:18

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 17:08

Of course you can't control another person. Obviously. If you want to boil it down to that. But in a relationship you can certainly express your feelings and let your partner know if their behaviour makes you unhappy or you find it threatening to your relationship. Sometimes they will take that in board, like I did. And many others whose partners have let them know that they are crossing boundaries, causing strain on a relationship and stop things before it gets too late also. Lots of people, may disregard and go ahead as they do wish to pursue it. I realise you can't stop it or control it. But as a loved one you have some influence by stating your feelings and pointing out the damage that could be done. Affairs don't happen out of nowhere.
It's an insanely fatalistic view to just let it all just wash out around you, keep your mouth shut, see what happens because you can't control it. I mean I have admiration for people who live like that but most people can't entirely sit back when they're worried their relationship is going to go down the pan. They are going to tell a person that it's hurtful or distressing or just not good. Which I believe op has. If that's "controlling" so be it.
That's my takeaway from this thread.

That’s just a way to stop it let’s be clear. Your aim is the same objective, don’t tell him he can’t go, but emotionally blackmail,him into not going,

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 17:08

Of course you can't control another person. Obviously. If you want to boil it down to that. But in a relationship you can certainly express your feelings and let your partner know if their behaviour makes you unhappy or you find it threatening to your relationship. Sometimes they will take that in board, like I did. And many others whose partners have let them know that they are crossing boundaries, causing strain on a relationship and stop things before it gets too late also. Lots of people, may disregard and go ahead as they do wish to pursue it. I realise you can't stop it or control it. But as a loved one you have some influence by stating your feelings and pointing out the damage that could be done. Affairs don't happen out of nowhere.
It's an insanely fatalistic view to just let it all just wash out around you, keep your mouth shut, see what happens because you can't control it. I mean I have admiration for people who live like that but most people can't entirely sit back when they're worried their relationship is going to go down the pan. They are going to tell a person that it's hurtful or distressing or just not good. Which I believe op has. If that's "controlling" so be it.
That's my takeaway from this thread.

cloudtreecarpet · 29/05/2026 16:54

Really? We do set low bars for men don't we?

Allseeingallknowing · 29/05/2026 16:51

cloudtreecarpet · 29/05/2026 16:50

This.
I find the idea that she is the baddie throwing herself at him.& him being unable to control himself in those conditions a bit crap really.
If he's a good bloke he will be able to resist her surely rather than risking his marriage and life with you?

Anyway this is a moot point because he did the decent thing & asked you & is respecting your feelings about it as he should.

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I think that’s a bit naive!

cloudtreecarpet · 29/05/2026 16:50

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 14:11

I understand that but realistically you don’t have any control over this situation. If he’s a decent man he won’t cheat. If he isn’t, then he might. He does sound like a good guy or he wouldn’t have mentioned it.

You can’t stop him, nip it in the bud or control him, however much you want to in this situation. Some of these suggestions from people are shocking!

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This.
I find the idea that she is the baddie throwing herself at him.& him being unable to control himself in those conditions a bit crap really.
If he's a good bloke he will be able to resist her surely rather than risking his marriage and life with you?

Anyway this is a moot point because he did the decent thing & asked you & is respecting your feelings about it as he should.

Gateappreciation · 29/05/2026 16:19

“People are not generally stupid though - they are well aware of what they are doing and the risks attached to it.”

i don’t totally agree with this. I wasn’t actually aware of the emotional affair concept until mn, but can see how it happens. How many times on mn have we seen dh’s argue that it’s only ‘platonic’, despite messaging said woman several times during the day etc. To dh, it’s only a haircut, but this friend is already targeting and singling him out - comments about the jacket, haircut etc. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a request to fix the toilet, mow the lawn etc coming soon either ( or another emergency).Some Men like playing the hero, and some women like playing helpless.

op - do you know if they message each other a lot?

Planesmistakenforstars · 29/05/2026 15:58

She is almost certainly going to continue to message him and probably conjure up some work she needs doing in her home. I think you've done the right thing in saying no to a question you were asked and explaining why. If the above does happen he can't go in all innocent and pretend he's unaware of what you'd feel, or use the excuse you said yes to a haircut so it's game on.

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 15:42

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 14:30

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

People are not generally stupid though - they are well aware of what they are doing and the risks attached to it.

I am amazed that adults think others aren’t capable of joining the dots.

People can’t be stopped from cheating if they want to do it, no
matter how much you control them.

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 15:39

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 15:22

Also would like to add I recently went through a sort of nipped in the bud situation myself. An ex, who I had a brief relationship with, got in touch and started messaging me. I had no romantic feelings for him. DP asked me who I was messaging one day and I told him. He knows him too. He was not happy to put it mildly and said this guy had always carried a flame so to speak. I was taken aback but I didn't want to upset DP so chose to stop messaging.
I know lots of people on this thread wouldn't put up with someone controlling who they could talk to but it wasn't worth the upset for me personally .And honestly now, on balance it makes sense. How much bullshit is started by ex's getting in touch? It's so common! I mean I didn't have any romantic feelings but God knows, people get involved and grow closer. I'm a fallible person as are most.

You chose not to have contact with him. You can’t make that decision for someone else.

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 15:22

Also would like to add I recently went through a sort of nipped in the bud situation myself. An ex, who I had a brief relationship with, got in touch and started messaging me. I had no romantic feelings for him. DP asked me who I was messaging one day and I told him. He knows him too. He was not happy to put it mildly and said this guy had always carried a flame so to speak. I was taken aback but I didn't want to upset DP so chose to stop messaging.
I know lots of people on this thread wouldn't put up with someone controlling who they could talk to but it wasn't worth the upset for me personally .And honestly now, on balance it makes sense. How much bullshit is started by ex's getting in touch? It's so common! I mean I didn't have any romantic feelings but God knows, people get involved and grow closer. I'm a fallible person as are most.

Silverbirchleaf · 29/05/2026 14:41

@DinoDoughnut81 I agree with you. This is how emotional affairs start, and dh has already half admitted he finds her attractive, plus responded to her in an intimate (changing jackets) way. It may seem nothing on the surface, but he’s acknowledging her and reacting to her.

Andepeda · 29/05/2026 14:35

I think most people are capable of cheating.

I think most people are capable of murder.

Given the right circumstances, most people are capable of almost anything.

DinoDoughnut81 · 29/05/2026 14:30

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

Silverbirchleaf · 29/05/2026 14:29

Fellohesh · 29/05/2026 14:10

They already followed each other on instagram. DH is a joiner and was doing some work on his friends house and his wife’s sister was there one of the days. I think that’s how they first met. And then she got a job at one of our local pubs a while ago and worked there for a few months so they already knew each other but weren’t close friends or anything

Edited

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Unless she is one of life’s outspoken women, it still seems strange that she had the audacity to comment on someone’s jacket. No one else said anything.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/05/2026 14:29

PinkEasterbunny · 29/05/2026 14:15

But the OP can at least TRY to nip it in the bid by making her feelings crystal clear. We all know how these things start,

Doesn't anyone else find the “nipping in the bud” thing vomit inducing in terms of what it says about men and women?

There the obvious point that you can’t physically prevent someone cheating if they want to… which many of us have pointed out.

But also the “nipping in the bud” theory works on the assumption that a man relies on his wife to be the moral backbone of the marriage and enforce it like an the emotional equivalent of am electric fence. “Tasing” him when he crosses a line. Constantly telling him he can’t do things because they could be the thin end of a wedge that ends up with him shagging someone else.

I just find it nauseating to think of having sex and emotional intimacy with someone who is constantly looking for opportunities to gawp over or flirt with other women. How can you trust or be intimate with someone who a) has the self control of a four year old and b) is stupid enough to be constantly looking for opportunities to break his marriage vows?

Am I the only person on here who finds it astonishing that so many people think its worth holding onto these men?

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 14:25

Fellohesh · 29/05/2026 14:14

I have already posted this a few times but he asked me if I would be ok with it and I said no. It’s not that I have literally forbid (is that the right word? Or forbidden?) from going. He asked me and I answered his question. If he turns around tomorrow and says “you know, I have decided I will go over and get my hair cut” then of course I won’t and can’t stop him. He asked my thoughts on it, and I told him. I’m not going to chain him to the kitchen sink to stop him going. I am of course very aware that I can’t literally stop him

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Actually OP I apologise. I misread and got caught up with the batshittery of people suggesting recording him etc!

PinkEasterbunny · 29/05/2026 14:15

But the OP can at least TRY to nip it in the bid by making her feelings crystal clear. We all know how these things start,

Original poster

Fellohesh · 29/05/2026 14:14

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 14:11

I understand that but realistically you don’t have any control over this situation. If he’s a decent man he won’t cheat. If he isn’t, then he might. He does sound like a good guy or he wouldn’t have mentioned it.

You can’t stop him, nip it in the bud or control him, however much you want to in this situation. Some of these suggestions from people are shocking!

Show quote history

I have already posted this a few times but he asked me if I would be ok with it and I said no. It’s not that I have literally forbid (is that the right word? Or forbidden?) from going. He asked me and I answered his question. If he turns around tomorrow and says “you know, I have decided I will go over and get my hair cut” then of course I won’t and can’t stop him. He asked my thoughts on it, and I told him. I’m not going to chain him to the kitchen sink to stop him going. I am of course very aware that I can’t literally stop him

OP posts:

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 29/05/2026 14:14

ThejoyofNC · 27/05/2026 15:44

YABU for use of the term "not let him". He's a grown man and that's controlling language.

YANBU to not want him to go and to have a discussion about it.

This.

Anarchy99 · 29/05/2026 14:11

Fellohesh · 29/05/2026 14:07

I don’t think he would go and have sex with her. But it’s just not appropriate is it? If you are married to someone, you shouldn’t be putting yourself in an intimate situation alone with someone else who you already find attractive. It’s a dangerous thing to do. Today it might be a haircut, tomorrow it might be a few more messages, then another haircut, then maybe staying for coffee afterwards etc etc. if this was just a female friend, then I wouldn’t think anything of it. But he is attracted to her so therefore it’s not appropriate.

The thought of my husband being alone in a woman’s house who he is attracted to, while she touches him and stands very close to him (bearing in mind when she comes to the front, her breasts will be at eye level), doesn’t feel good to me. That’s not a nice thought or feeling. Whether I think he would do anything or not, it’s the principle, and it’s about him having respect for me to not put himself in this situation. If he did not fancy her, fine. But he does, so that’s what makes the situation wrong.

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I understand that but realistically you don’t have any control over this situation. If he’s a decent man he won’t cheat. If he isn’t, then he might. He does sound like a good guy or he wouldn’t have mentioned it.

You can’t stop him, nip it in the bud or control him, however much you want to in this situation. Some of these suggestions from people are shocking!

Original poster

Fellohesh · 29/05/2026 14:10

Gateappreciation · 29/05/2026 07:23

I’ve only read the op’s posts. I’d feel a little hurt by the fact if my dh reacted to the jacket like your dh did. Also, it’s quite rude for her, a complete stranger (almost) to comment on the jacket in the first place, and in your house. i wouldn’t want him to go to her house either for the haircut. An (invisible) boundary has been crossed, a level of intimacy that is getting your spidery senses tingling. Also, when and why did she get his contact details?

Edited

They already followed each other on instagram. DH is a joiner and was doing some work on his friends house and his wife’s sister was there one of the days. I think that’s how they first met. And then she got a job at one of our local pubs a while ago and worked there for a few months so they already knew each other but weren’t close friends or anything

OP posts:

Original poster

Fellohesh · 29/05/2026 14:07

cloudtreecarpet · 29/05/2026 07:09

Do you trust your husband?
If you trust him then it's fine, surely?

Do you honestly think he will go there for a haircut and not be able to help himself and end up having sex with her? That's a bit odd isn't it?

He's shown you the message so he's not hiding anything.

I guess you tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable and then he won't go out of respect to you but I think it's a bit odd to have such a level of mistrust around him.

And I agree with a pp, you sowed the seed of doubt about the jacket, someone else mentioned it so he changed. It just happened to be her but could have been anyone saying it.

I don’t think he would go and have sex with her. But it’s just not appropriate is it? If you are married to someone, you shouldn’t be putting yourself in an intimate situation alone with someone else who you already find attractive. It’s a dangerous thing to do. Today it might be a haircut, tomorrow it might be a few more messages, then another haircut, then maybe staying for coffee afterwards etc etc. if this was just a female friend, then I wouldn’t think anything of it. But he is attracted to her so therefore it’s not appropriate.

The thought of my husband being alone in a woman’s house who he is attracted to, while she touches him and stands very close to him (bearing in mind when she comes to the front, her breasts will be at eye level), doesn’t feel good to me. That’s not a nice thought or feeling. Whether I think he would do anything or not, it’s the principle, and it’s about him having respect for me to not put himself in this situation. If he did not fancy her, fine. But he does, so that’s what makes the situation wrong.

OP posts: