To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

What I'm getting at is that I see OPs repeatedly being told that their marriage is over when little information is apparent.

I don't agree that working on a marriage is reflective of being used as a doormat. Some couples who are having problems can survive it and go go forwards in a stronger position. And continue to love one another.

I do accept that there are times when it's blindingly obvious that couples should split, and always when the relationship is abusive,

... and on that note, and for info, I divorced my abusive ex-husband and took the fucker to the cleaners.

Not necessarily for the OP as she seems more rational than most,

Clearly some posters can’t live with their husbands without controlling them or looking through their own phone or recording their conversations. Is that a happy way to live? i mean each to their own and all that but it sounds bloody grim!

I know someone whose husband cheated decades ago but she was determined to stay in her marriage even though they are both hideously unhappy - that’s no way to live!

”working on the marriage” is a euphemism for being a doormat.

If there’s no trust or respect there’s no marriage.

The marriage is over? What the hell? I see on MN constantly that woman are being told that their marriage is 'over'. Does no-one try to work on their marriages any more?

The marriage is over? What the hell? I see on MN constantly that woman are being told that their marriage is 'over'. Does no-one try to work on their marriages any more?

Then the marriage is over regardless. She will be watching him like a hawk and that isn’t healthy

Absolutely. I can’t imagine being in a marriage where all this is necessary. And then people complain about the mental load.

I don't think OP will need to, it will be obvious if his attention is being taken elsewhere over the next few days/weeks. He no doubt doesn't even realise it but he's already damaged OP's trust purely by asking the question about the haircut and seeming disappointed when she said she wasn't ok with it so she will be hyper-alert to anything even slightly out of the ordinary now. He knew before he asked that it wasn't ok but hoped OP would be naive enough to sanction him (at the very least) flirting with this woman in plain sight so she will (rightly) not trust him fully anymore.

Okay well the next advice you will get is to monitor his phone - this is a BAD idea

We do and the thing I find most depressing about all the “nip it in the bud” shit is the idea of the woman having to be the moral policeman in the marriage.

a) because who has time to have their husband under surveillance
b) because it assumes men have the self control of toddlers who have to constantly be pulled back from sticking their dicks into other women
c) because who could respect or be attracted to a man who is constantly trying to put his hands in the proverbial candy jar

And it baffles me that most people on this thread seem to think this is either achievable or sustainable in a marriage.

Life is too short.

Really? We do set low bars for men don't we?

He showed me the message she sent him and that was the only one on there, there were no prior messages to that. However, I don’t know what he has responded to her with and don’t know if they’ve continued messaging

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.

I think lots of people are capable of cheating. Sometimes it's just a couple of bad circumstances and wrong decisions away. "Sliding Door" moments if you like. I tend to think most people exist in these murky grey waters, rather than good and bad, black and white. Often people who cheat don't wake up in the morning and think that they are going to shag another person. But they make a series of shit choices first.
You will fancy other people in a long relationship, sometimes they will fancy you. You might have a weird life circumstance that makes you weaker to the boost an affair gives. You have to be a self aware person to try and avoid doing damaging things.
I think op is getting a hard time due to language used, not let, nip in the bud etc. Of course you can never control another person but you can explain that making unwise decisions can set you on a path you can't return from. Sometimes people need a bit of a wake up call to see this.
Personally I think he shouldn't have asked and put the onus on op to make the decision. It is dangerous territory, when there's mutual attraction, and a keen, single person. If it was me I wouldn't be messaging on insta with a person who I fancied and fancied me because I wouldn't want to mess my relationship up.