Page 13 | To not let DH go to this woman’s house?

Fellohesh · 2026-05-27T14:39:44+00:00

A couple of months ago, we went out with some friends who all met up at our house before leaving together to go to town. Before they arrived, DH put his jacket on but I didn’t think it matched the outfit and I also just didn’t think it was very nice in general. I told him so but he said he likes it so he’s wearing it. When everyone arrived, one of the women said “what’s going on with your outfit?” to DH, and he asked why she didn’t like it. She said something about the jacket and DH disappeared upstairs and came down wearing a new one and said “is that better?”. I felt hurt at the time that he didn’t value my opinion but cared about what she thought of him. The next day I asked if he fancied her, to which he replied “she’s attractive” I said if we weren’t together would he ask her out and he said maybe (the convo was longer of course but I’m trying to keep this short and give the gist). He came home from work yesterday saying this same woman is training to be a hairdresser and has offered to cut his hair for free while she practices. He has thick wavy hair and gets a scissor cut so it’s not just a simple trim with the clippers. However, she doesn’t have a salon or anything as she isn’t qualified so it would be at her house. AIBU to say no to this?

TrufflePigs · 27/05/2026 17:26

The next day I asked if he fancied her

Good lord!!!!!

Popdropper · 27/05/2026 17:25

The fact that he seemed disappointed when you said you wouldn't be ok with it would be worrying me OP and I would be concerned about her messaging further on Instagram too. Your DH is right on the edge of disrespecting you and your marriage and I would be pointing that out in no uncertain terms and throwing a hefty bucket of cold water over any ideas he might have about sneaking this woman into his life under your radar.

I would be saying 'I noticed you were disappointed when I said I wouldn't be ok with her cutting your hair, you do realise that the instant I sense your interest shifting elsewhere I will be off like a shot don't you?' That way no one can say he didn't know what he was risking and if you get the slightest sniff of anything else happening you will know it's time to walk away because he's fundamentally disloyal.

CieloElmers · 27/05/2026 17:23

What makes you think she might also find him attractive?

StFrideswide · 27/05/2026 17:21

I

Boreded · 27/05/2026 17:19

MrTiddlesTheCat · 27/05/2026 17:13

This. I once read a very well written post on MN that explained this behaviour so well. It's all about shifting responsibility onto the partner. 'But you agree to it!'

I believe the suggested response to this type of question was 'think about what a good/decent husband would do, and do that'.

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I’ve said something similar to my husband before - not because he was doing anything, just in a general conversation about people…’if you wouldn’t want your wife to find out, then don’t do it’

simple really. Don’t do something if you know it is wrong because even if you try to dress it up as ok it won’t be

Original poster

Fellohesh · 27/05/2026 17:15

MrTiddlesTheCat · 27/05/2026 17:13

This. I once read a very well written post on MN that explained this behaviour so well. It's all about shifting responsibility onto the partner. 'But you agree to it!'

I believe the suggested response to this type of question was 'think about what a good/decent husband would do, and do that'.

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That’s such a good answer and I wish I would’ve said that

OP posts:

MrTiddlesTheCat · 27/05/2026 17:13

SaturdayFive · 27/05/2026 15:59

Very naive. He's not willing to turn her down himself, he'll just say "OP wouldn't let me." He knows full well it's not ok.

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This. I once read a very well written post on MN that explained this behaviour so well. It's all about shifting responsibility onto the partner. 'But you agree to it!'

I believe the suggested response to this type of question was 'think about what a good/decent husband would do, and do that'.

Original poster

Fellohesh · 27/05/2026 17:10

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/05/2026 16:58

You don’t “let” or “not let” another grown adult do anything.

It enrages me when people talk about “letting” their spouse do something as if he were a wayward child you can ground at will. Like this awful phrase “nip this in the bud” which is regularly wheeled out on threads where a man is being shady. It’s not possible for one adult to stop another adult from being unfaithful.

Its a world where the wife is mum and the husband is like a naughty child constantly chasing after women and avoiding the back of her hand like something from the Benny Hill Show. Marriage through guilt, duty and coercion. It doesn’t work.

If you are with someone who is trying to get as far as he can in cheating you can’t and shouldn’t try to curb or stop his behaviour: its a waste of time and energy. You should be leaving him with your dignity intact.

I agree with you

OP posts:

MyMilchick · 27/05/2026 17:09

Fellohesh · 27/05/2026 17:07

I was going to suggest her coming to ours but I didn’t want to being it up again tbh. She is single yeah

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Don't suggest that, why would you want to encourage them spending time together? I'm sure she can find another mans hair to cut

Original poster

Fellohesh · 27/05/2026 17:07

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 27/05/2026 16:55

I personally wouldn’t let him go or I’d go with him. Can you record their interaction if he did go? Why can’t she come to your house (with you there)? You don’t want to be the woman posting here because you think your DH is having an affair. Is the woman single?

I was going to suggest her coming to ours but I didn’t want to being it up again tbh. She is single yeah

OP posts:

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/05/2026 17:06

Iwannaeatapasty · 27/05/2026 17:03

This exactly.

When my ex husband left me for a work colleague I was called mad by a lot of people for “letting” him spend time with her on work trips and not putting my foot down.

What would that have achieved? “Oh gosh, my wife said no! I best not enter into an affair.”

I saw it coming a mile off (little things like OP, I would give him advice; he would laugh at me. She would say the same thing and he would act on it immediately.

so I prepared to leave him, and did. He had one foot out the door himself anyway.

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Exactly. When you get to the point where the trust is gone from a marriage trying to police the behaviour of the spouse achieves nothing except to make him or her more dishonest and evasive than they were before.

The marriage is already dead in the water. Trying to control someone won’t revive it!

Iwannaeatapasty · 27/05/2026 17:04

Inmyuggs · 27/05/2026 17:02

Perfectly ok to offer to cut someones hair while in training to practise if he has a type of hair she likes..god help or or needs to practise on.
Perhaps realosing he is a human and we interact with one anither and strike up friendships including the opposite gender.
Never use the term he is allowed...he is his own person not allowing time, opnion...i appreicate attractive people be it male or female...gosh so insecure are some of you.

Oh give over.

Anyone can see this for what it is.

Boreded · 27/05/2026 17:04

Fellohesh · 27/05/2026 15:47

He has known her for a short while but not very well. She worked behind the bar of one of the pubs he goes to sometimes, but she was only there for a few months. She is the sister of his friends wife so that’s why she came along that day, as her sister invited her. It was the first time I met her.

She messaged him on instagram saying she wondered if he would mind her practicing on him as the only male hair cuts she has done have been with clippers and she would like the experience. But I don’t like it and have a weird feeling

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You have a feeling because there is something to be concerned about.

you need to ask him if he really wants to risk your relationship for the potential affair he is heading towards. If he is a good man he will realise and back away swiftly

Frugalgal · 27/05/2026 17:03

Inmyuggs · 27/05/2026 17:02

Perfectly ok to offer to cut someones hair while in training to practise if he has a type of hair she likes..god help or or needs to practise on.
Perhaps realosing he is a human and we interact with one anither and strike up friendships including the opposite gender.
Never use the term he is allowed...he is his own person not allowing time, opnion...i appreicate attractive people be it male or female...gosh so insecure are some of you.

Oh please! 🙄

Iwannaeatapasty · 27/05/2026 17:03

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/05/2026 16:58

You don’t “let” or “not let” another grown adult do anything.

It enrages me when people talk about “letting” their spouse do something as if he were a wayward child you can ground at will. Like this awful phrase “nip this in the bud” which is regularly wheeled out on threads where a man is being shady. It’s not possible for one adult to stop another adult from being unfaithful.

Its a world where the wife is mum and the husband is like a naughty child constantly chasing after women and avoiding the back of her hand like something from the Benny Hill Show. Marriage through guilt, duty and coercion. It doesn’t work.

If you are with someone who is trying to get as far as he can in cheating you can’t and shouldn’t try to curb or stop his behaviour: its a waste of time and energy. You should be leaving him with your dignity intact.

This exactly.

When my ex husband left me for a work colleague I was called mad by a lot of people for “letting” him spend time with her on work trips and not putting my foot down.

What would that have achieved? “Oh gosh, my wife said no! I best not enter into an affair.”

I saw it coming a mile off (little things like OP, I would give him advice; he would laugh at me. She would say the same thing and he would act on it immediately.

so I prepared to leave him, and did. He had one foot out the door himself anyway.

Inmyuggs · 27/05/2026 17:02

Perfectly ok to offer to cut someones hair while in training to practise if he has a type of hair she likes..god help or or needs to practise on.
Perhaps realosing he is a human and we interact with one anither and strike up friendships including the opposite gender.
Never use the term he is allowed...he is his own person not allowing time, opnion...i appreicate attractive people be it male or female...gosh so insecure are some of you.

Jellox · 27/05/2026 17:02

YABU

You sound paranoid and controlling.

You cannot try and police what he wears - then get upset for him not listening to you.

And you cannot police who he sees.

You’re also questioning him on whether he finds this woman attractive or not.

You say you trust him and that he’ll never cheat - so what’s the problem?

Honestly, OP it’s not very often I feel sorry for men on here but you seem incredibly difficult and I do feel for DP having to live with you - I say that in the kindest way I can as I’m not trying to have a go.

Notonthestairs · 27/05/2026 17:01

He’s made his actions your problem to resolve.

Why is it your job to decide this?

Why can’t he work out the right thing to do for himself?

MyLimeGuide · 27/05/2026 17:01

randomchap · 27/05/2026 16:02

So essentially you've just told your husband that you don't trust him

No! She has said she feels uncomfortable with it probably because of the jacket situation.

Birminghambabe03 · 27/05/2026 16:58

Fellohesh · 27/05/2026 15:47

He has known her for a short while but not very well. She worked behind the bar of one of the pubs he goes to sometimes, but she was only there for a few months. She is the sister of his friends wife so that’s why she came along that day, as her sister invited her. It was the first time I met her.

She messaged him on instagram saying she wondered if he would mind her practicing on him as the only male hair cuts she has done have been with clippers and she would like the experience. But I don’t like it and have a weird feeling

Show quote history

It’s weird she 100% is in to him, I’m calling it now

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/05/2026 16:58

You don’t “let” or “not let” another grown adult do anything.

It enrages me when people talk about “letting” their spouse do something as if he were a wayward child you can ground at will. Like this awful phrase “nip this in the bud” which is regularly wheeled out on threads where a man is being shady. It’s not possible for one adult to stop another adult from being unfaithful.

Its a world where the wife is mum and the husband is like a naughty child constantly chasing after women and avoiding the back of her hand like something from the Benny Hill Show. Marriage through guilt, duty and coercion. It doesn’t work.

If you are with someone who is trying to get as far as he can in cheating you can’t and shouldn’t try to curb or stop his behaviour: its a waste of time and energy. You should be leaving him with your dignity intact.

Original poster

Fellohesh · 27/05/2026 16:57

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/05/2026 16:48

Fair enough, I disagree. If my husband told me that a new lipstick didn't suit me or I shouldn't wear heels with that outfit, I wouldn't go change as I'm an adult who makes her own choices. But it would be deflating and quite mean and take the shine off the evening.

Non-sarky question, do you accept it back? If he said look, no offence, those shorts are not flattering or you shouldn't be wearing trainers with that - would you say okay and obediently change?

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Yes I absolutely accept it back, I would want someone to tell me if something about my outfit looks off or doesn’t go. I would appreciate it.

OP posts:

SaturdayFive · 27/05/2026 16:56

Frugalgal · 27/05/2026 16:45

OK, so saying 'not let him' aside, given people think it's controlling, and you can't actually stop him, you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Imagine (sorry), he goes over to the privacy of her house and he's sitting there with her boobs at eye level as she runs her fingers through his hair and stands really close to him, touching him. Unless she bore a striking resemblance to their own dear nan, most men would find that an erotic experience and would spend the entire time thinking about shagging her and imagining her naked. Now add to the mix that he admits to fancying her and she clearly fancies him or she wouldn't be inviting him over to administer her amateur hairdressing attempts to him.

You may as well be handing him on a plate to her. If he doesn't return home having shagged her I am a monkeys uncle. At the very least he would return home having spent the entire time thinking about shagging her.

Your problem isn't her really, of course, because if all was well in your relationship he wouldn't be transparently wanting to take her up on her obvious come on.

You need to sit him down and say he needs to decide if he's going to work on your relationship to the point where he wouldn't dream of risking it by doing this, or tell you whether it's over and he wants to plough a different furrow. So to speak.

Whatever happens, don't be a wet blanket and let this farce play out in front of you to it's inevitable painful conclusion.

Edited

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Agree

WallaceinAnderland · 27/05/2026 16:56

I think it's quite telling that he even asked OP if she would be ok with it. He must have known it sounded dodgy as hell to start with.

Would he ask her if she would be ok with Bob cutting his hair? I doubt it.

Maray1967 · 27/05/2026 16:56

IdaGlossop · 27/05/2026 16:52

Revealing that you say 'Told him to take something off'. So not a suggestion, but an order.

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Occasionally you need to, in my experience. DH at DS’s graduation was a case in point. I saved him from looking out of place. He huffed and sighed and changed and complained - and then said nothing when we got there and he saw all the dads in the car park dressed like he now was, not like he’d thought was ok.

Bollocks to any thoughts of individual choice. I’m not having him look a scruff at our son’s graduation or our niece’s wedding.