Page 4 | AIBU to think DH regrets opening our marriage now I enjoy it?

RosePoett · 2026-05-27T12:04:45+00:00

AIBU to think DH wants to close our open relationship because I turned out to enjoy it too? DH (44) and I (43) have been together 16 years and we have 2 boys (secondary school age). Like a lot of couples at this stage of life, we’d fallen into more of a “co-parenting/house admin” relationship for a while and sex had become fairly routine not spontaneous. About a year ago DH brought up the idea of opening the relationship. It wasn’t out of nowhere exactly we’d talked over the years about attraction not magically disappearing because you’re married/in a long-term relationship etc but I was still pretty shocked when he suggested actually doing something about it. To be fair to him, he didn’t pressure me and we spent time talking about boundaries, honesty, safe sex, not bringing people back to the family home, not introducing anyone to the children etc. Eventually I agreed because part of me thought maybe it would either reignite things between us or at least make us both feel less stuck in middle age. For context, DH is objectively attractive. charming, very sociable, looks younger than he is. Women have always liked him and he’s never lacked confidence in that department. He has been seeing other people and has had plenty of interest, so this is NOT a case of him sitting at home unable to “pull”. What neither of us expected (including me) was that I’d also get attention. Quite a lot actually. I’m not talking about dozen of men throwing themselves at me, but enough that it genuinely surprised me after years of school runs, work,feeling invisible etc. I’ve gone on dates, had fun, felt attractive again for the first time in years and honestly it’s massively boosted my confidence. And weirdly, it improved things between DH and me for a while too because we were communicating more and making more effort with each other. But over the last few months his attitude has changed. He asks more questions, gets funny if I’m messaging someone, makes comments about me “always being on my phone”, and now has announced that he wants to close the relationship completely because he thinks it’s “damaging our marriage”. He says he’d like for us to keep our marriage. I do understand people are allowed to change their minds. If one person is deeply unhappy then obviously that matters. But I can’t shake the feeling that the reality has bruised his ego a bit. When he imagined himself sleeping with other women while I maybe dabbled occasionally, the whole thing felt exciting and ‘progressive’Now I’m enjoying myself too and realising I’m apparently still attractive to other men at 43, suddenly it’s become a problem. I haven’t broken any boundaries, lied, hidden things or prioritised anyone over family life. AIBU to think this is less about “protecting the marriage” and more about DH struggling with the fact his wife is desired by other men too?

Funiculus · 28/05/2026 10:13

@ThatCyanCat

I think men who suggest this often do it so that they can sleep around with impunity, guilt free, and don't really think that their wives can do the same. Like your husband, they often imagine that they'll be the total playboy but the wife will just naturally self censor and not have much action

This. He's a typical arrogant man, suggesting a plan that in his mind, would enable him to have loads of sex whenever he chose without moral consequence and that you might not really embrace it or have much interest/act on it yourself.

Newsflash - Back in the real world, you, his wife, are very much of interest to other men and contrary to his assumptions, have attracted people who want to have sex with you. It's challenged his deeply ingrained misogynistic viewpoint and not only that, but he feels like he's losing control. So he's now desperately trying to backpaddle - silly boy - because he entered into an agreement that he thought would primarily benefit him, not you, and he was thinking with his cock, not his heart, which is now at real risk of being bruised. His motivation behind suggesting you open up your relationship was purely for self-gain methinks and therefore I would have total disdain for any attempt he makes to limit your freedom.

Original poster

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 10:12

Blondiebeachbabe · 28/05/2026 09:30

I think it's quite sad that your husband hasn't built you up, and made your self esteem soar. He should have done that. I suspect that over the years he has chipped away at your confidence. The comment you made about you both being surprised that you would get any attention, is quite telling. He has intimated at some point, that he is more attractive than you. Prince Charming, he ain't. So, instead of him giving you a boost, the fact that random men want to have sex with you, is the one thing that has given you a bit of confidence.

But, what are we saying here? That random males give you validation? We only need to look at Bonnie Blue, to see that some men will do anything for sex. Or, what about the horrifically concerning case of Gisele Pelicot? Over 50 men were willing to have sex with a 70 year old, who was drugged and unconscious.

Do we, as women, really want to estimate our own self worth, on the basis of what men think, when we have seen, and continue to see, what they are capable of? Men will always take free sex where they can get it. It has no reflection on you, or your perceived "worth".

I'm sure you are a multi faceted woman, with a myriad of skills and positive qualities, and you don't need to be slobbered over by random horn dogs to prove anything. You are worth so much more. I wish you could see that.

I don't think that you will come out of this unscathed. Most women do develop attachments to men they are sleeping with. The harsh reality here though, is that the men won't. They will also be having sex with lots of other women. When they inevitably want to move on to the next conquest, and they start ghosting you after a few hook ups, you're going to feel like utter shit.

I would take a long hard look at your marriage, and why it's ended up like this. Like I said in my previous post, is this what you dreamt of when you were walking up the aisle?

I think it’s a me problem in regards to my self esteem. He hasn’t chipped at my confidence, he’s always uplifted me for the 25 years I have known him he’s always made me feel very confident. I lost myself the last 2 years after miscarriages and then death of a family member where I was the executor of their estate which was chaos to be honest.

DH and I went from 16 or let’s say 25 years. I’ve known him since the first day of university. We liked each other from the moment we met life was busy we were both pursuing medicine. He was far more ambitious than I ever was a lot of the amazing things I have done I couldn’t have achieved without his support if I’m being honest. A prentice died during my 3rd year of my medicine degree I wanted to drop out I thought I would drop out, DH would come and just sit in silence with me I didn’t want to do anything it was a very rough time. We were young barely 21 I was still 20 at that point. Same with when I finished my degree I was scared to go volunteer in Eastern Europe he told me I should go I will regret it if I don’t. I was so nervous but the support I had from him and friends and family members are what helped me. I now speak multiple languages because of that experience. I have letters he sent me during that time whilst he was in South America volunteering. I didn’t marry the wrong man. Yes we were on and off from ages of 18 but that’s because we wanted to also go volunteer and do other stuff. I wanted to be a good doctor and get experience in other countries. I wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t helped me realise my strength.I’ve been judged here for being on and off. We met at 18 years old of course we were going to be on and off not many relationships last at that age. I’m glad we were on and off we both went and did our own things, experiences that have shaped us for life.

Before my miscarriages we spent years going cycling in multiple countries, we’ve always done that, we took our children ‘bike packing’ across Spain we have done that pretty much every year since they were 4 or so years old. Now they can cycle he takes them. I’ve been in a rut for a while. Depressed to be honest. Not because of him, this is a me issue. He had tried to help, he got me a counsellor 2 years ago I said no I didn’t want to talk about my feelings that’s on me. I was being stubborn.

I 100% agree most women do form attachments. I haven’t as of yet I want my husband that’s who my attachment is with. Defiantly not what I dreamed of when we got married, life has happened I can’t spend the rest of it dwelling on our mistakes. We can try and rectify it and see how far we get with that if not then that’s a shame but I think we will both be fine. I’ve never doubted his love for me never not trusted him.

My worth isn’t based on men it’s based on how I see myself or how I’ve perceived myself. I have not done anything for myself in a long long time, not even bought a new outfit for myself in 10 years. Every new outfit I have had or makeup has been gifted. I haven’t gone out of my way to go to Zara etc and buy a new outfit. I just haven’t felt like it. DH always recommends I go on a day out and buy myself something nice I refused. I’ve hated the sight of myself since having a miscarriage that’s on me that’s not on him he has tried to support me. You can only help someone so much, sometimes they have to want the help to be helped.

Im basing it all on me and my perception of myself. Men will like anything I know that.

I am dyslexic so that might have affected how I phrased things. He wasn’t surprised as in “eww who would want you” he was surprised at men in general I didn’t like any of the men on the dating app they just liked me I never initiated any conversation with any of them. It’s been quite the sociological experiment. I have never messaged a man first. As a woman you can go on any dating site and be enamoured by hundreds of likes without even doing much. These men don’t know anything about me, they probably do not care, they don’t care about my achievements, whether I’m funny, what my interests are or anything. They just see a woman. That’s what he was surprised at. It was just interesting if I am to take anything from this, it is that most men will like anything you don’t even need to say anything. It’s made me disgusted. I didn’t put anything personal really about myself, anyone that I met didn’t even know that I am a doctor the most they knew was that I am married, we are in a rut and are willing to try an open marriage. I didn’t tell any of them personal things yet they were still wanting to message. Somewhat radicalised me.

In my early years I was not focused on men at all. I never took any notice of men. Have countless letters still in my childhood home from boys and I just ignored them. All through school as I went to a girls school and there was a boys school near us that we did dances with etc there was a rumour that I was a lesbian because I just was not interested in any of them never really had a crush till I got to university. I spent majority of my childhood surrounded by women who were very intelligent and I wanted to be like them. I think that’s where my insecurity stems from I probably became too ambitious and lost sight of everything else. To the point my mother once said to me at 25 ‘a career isn’t everything and sometimes you’re too ambitious just ket loose a little’ not verbatim but something along those lines.

I have a grown up in an environment where everything was very ambitious and that’s all I’ve ever focused on. That’s all that my worth has been based on sadly and I’m willing to work on it maybe in your 40s it’s too late but I’m willing to try.

I digress. To answer your question no this is not what I wanted for my marriage to be like. It’s quite an obvious answer. I’m down and quite depressed I’d say. Everyone goes through moments in life, I’ve had a somewhat easy privileged life till my 40s but I have the rest of my life. I’m not going to dwell on it I want to work on my mental health and try with my marriage nothing wrong with wanting to try. Maybe it’ll work maybe it won’t.

OP posts:

Notsosweetcaroline · 28/05/2026 10:10

DefinitelyDana · 28/05/2026 09:13

Can I ask - what is it that changed things for you, from going from “invisible” mum to someone who now has men wanting to sleep with you?

I am very much invisible mum. What did you do to change that perception? It’s not like you have a sign on your forehead that says “my marriage is open”

You go on a dating site say you’re in an open marriage and looking for some fun or whatever. You will have them queuing up. They will not be however princes amongst men. They will be men thinking they can get laid and don’t have to pay for the privalge.

Notsosweetcaroline · 28/05/2026 10:07

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 08:47

I’m already down you don’t need to knock me down even more

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That post had nothing to do with your situation, it wasn’t about you. I’m no trigger happy report everything poster, but I was shocked when I read that, I’m glad it is deleted. Please put it out of your mind. I’ve no idea why that poster decided to kick you like that, it didn’t even make sense, considering what you’ve said about your situation, it said nothing about you and everything about them,

OtterlyAstounding · 28/05/2026 09:42

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 07:16

He wanted to try counselling before any of this. I’d have multiple miscarriages and just shut down for everything my mental health was very bad during that point. I did not want to talk about my feelings it’s quite hard talking about loss and it was a new feeling for me. I was hurt. I had a lot going on I refused to even take time off work because I thought that will help me feel a bit better, distract me which it did in a way.

He definitely has seemed bitter, maybe I’ve been distracted a little bit but I don’t want anyone else he knows that but I think this was new territory for us. I don’t regret trying. I guess maybe I’m selfish. Feeling good about myself, I forgot to put effort into myself, never buying new clothes for myself in almost 10 years. I wasn’t insecure I just didn’t try and then the last few years I’ve gone through a bit of a depressive episode. I haven’t seen a gp about it or anything and that was my decision DH had tried plenty of times to get me to let a professional know that I have been struggling mentally but I wanted to just figure it all out by myself.

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This makes it sound as though you've used having sex with other men as a distraction from grief, pain, and depression you should be working through, and to give you external validation to boost the low self-esteem that should really be fixed internally.

I'm not sure why you opened the marriage, honestly. You mentioned feeling like your sex life and relationship had fallen into a rut and become boring, but I don't know how having sex with other people was supposed to fix your relationship with him being mundane and boring.

And now you've mentioned you went into this very big change in your marriage and life off the back of several traumatic events that you haven't wanted to deal with, while going through a depressive episode, and your husband wanted to go to counselling initially rather than open things up?

It sounds to me like you've emotionally checked out, and you're engaging in avoidance tactics to avoid dealing with underlying issues.

LeedsLoiner · 28/05/2026 09:36

DefinitelyDana · 28/05/2026 09:13

Can I ask - what is it that changed things for you, from going from “invisible” mum to someone who now has men wanting to sleep with you?

I am very much invisible mum. What did you do to change that perception? It’s not like you have a sign on your forehead that says “my marriage is open”

You go on a "dating site", post a few pictures and a tagline of "Up for no strings/no commitment sex".

If you're a woman and have a pulse, you'll be inundated.

Blondiebeachbabe · 28/05/2026 09:30

I think it's quite sad that your husband hasn't built you up, and made your self esteem soar. He should have done that. I suspect that over the years he has chipped away at your confidence. The comment you made about you both being surprised that you would get any attention, is quite telling. He has intimated at some point, that he is more attractive than you. Prince Charming, he ain't. So, instead of him giving you a boost, the fact that random men want to have sex with you, is the one thing that has given you a bit of confidence.

But, what are we saying here? That random males give you validation? We only need to look at Bonnie Blue, to see that some men will do anything for sex. Or, what about the horrifically concerning case of Gisele Pelicot? Over 50 men were willing to have sex with a 70 year old, who was drugged and unconscious.

Do we, as women, really want to estimate our own self worth, on the basis of what men think, when we have seen, and continue to see, what they are capable of? Men will always take free sex where they can get it. It has no reflection on you, or your perceived "worth".

I'm sure you are a multi faceted woman, with a myriad of skills and positive qualities, and you don't need to be slobbered over by random horn dogs to prove anything. You are worth so much more. I wish you could see that.

I don't think that you will come out of this unscathed. Most women do develop attachments to men they are sleeping with. The harsh reality here though, is that the men won't. They will also be having sex with lots of other women. When they inevitably want to move on to the next conquest, and they start ghosting you after a few hook ups, you're going to feel like utter shit.

I would take a long hard look at your marriage, and why it's ended up like this. Like I said in my previous post, is this what you dreamt of when you were walking up the aisle?

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 28/05/2026 09:29

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 08:06

Thanks

I agree definitely depressed and I’ve been in touch with counsellors for DH and I to do sessions together and for myself too.

He has a vasectomy but I guess you can reverse them.

I haven’t said I’m unattractive? It’s okay for me to admit he’s attractive and looks better with age. He takes care of himself, eats well, cycles everywhere, swims, gyms, I’m the one that cuts his hair for him. I think for me I just spent a long time not really buying clothes or putting that sort of effort into myself in turn leading to me not feeling great. He hasn’t made me not feel great about myself it’s been the opposite. Just because I said he looks great with age, far better than the awkward 18 year old I met when we first met. Does not mean I think low of myself and do not think I look great too. I’ve taken care of myself too, swimming, cycling, gym we do this stuff together, lately I’ve just not been as motivated I still go gym and swim 3 or so times a week but we used to cycle. We cycled from Cornwall or Scotland, we’ve always done all that stuff but the last 2 years I’ve just been in a rut and now I want to get out of that rut.

Regardless of my experience I’ve never been against open marriages etc I think everyone’s marriage is different and everyone should do whatever they want in their marriages as long as they both consent to it. I’m not going to judge other people’s marriages. Maybe mine is doomed to fail we gave it a good go. Just a few years ago we were different people, we hadn’t gone through even half the stuff we’ve gone through the last 2 years. Experiences shape you, it’s our first time living and experiencing things we are bound to make mistakes. As long as our children turn out well and we both love them which we do. By the time they’re in their mid to late 20s and they’re well rounded boys I’ll consider that a success in our marriage. I don’t want to damage them and I hope we don’t and I hope they don’t suffer because of our mistakes as parents.

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He recently said he met someone she seemed nice but left half way through the meal because he just wanted to see him and says that’s opened his eyes

What does this mean, sorry? She just wanted to see what he looked like or he wanted to see you?

KiwiFall · 28/05/2026 09:21

I haven’t voted as I’m not sure what the question here is.

For me I wouldn’t be happy if my husband asked to open up our marriage but you say you okay with it. He’s now decided he doesn’t want to continue for whatever reasons. Whether it is jealousy of thinking about you with other men or jealousy that you get attention or simply it’s not what he thought it would be and he’s simply “scratched that itch”.

You say you are happy to close the marriage again and stay in the marriage so what’s the problem? I personally would be concerned that the relationship either goes back to the way it was before you opened the marriage or one of you later down the line seeks sex again outside the marriage but doesn’t tell the other but if you confident that won’t happen and you know your marriage/husband/yourself better than anyone on here.

OneFineDay22 · 28/05/2026 09:16

Op, having read some more of your updates I think therapy is the necessary next step.

Don’t listen to people saying you’ve ruined your marriage. You both tried something together and you’re both happy to stop and acknowledge it maybe wasn’t the best idea. I don’t see why you couldn’t both move past this. It’s not at all the same as cheating. But you do need to talk to someone (both of you, separately and/or together).

DefinitelyDana · 28/05/2026 09:13

Can I ask - what is it that changed things for you, from going from “invisible” mum to someone who now has men wanting to sleep with you?

I am very much invisible mum. What did you do to change that perception? It’s not like you have a sign on your forehead that says “my marriage is open”

TheignT · 28/05/2026 09:10

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 08:47

I’m already down you don’t need to knock me down even more

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I would advise you to leave this thread. Some people are being incredibly nasty and judgemental and of course on MN there is a significant number who will be determined to make your husband the evil villain.

I think you've been brave dealing with a difficult time and you've both tried something, probably got some positives out of it but it's done now. You go and have a great life with your handsome husband and kids not to mention your valuable and no doubt fulfilling life.

Dorothyperky · 28/05/2026 09:07

@PyongyangKipperbang absolutely brilliant post. Laugh out loud to the bollard.Thank you.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 28/05/2026 09:01

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 08:47

I’m already down you don’t need to knock me down even more

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She's a troll chick. Look at her name.

You've done nothing wrong. In fact, your situation has reminded your husband what is actually of value to him. XX

NameChangedForSexTopics · 28/05/2026 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Once your kids leave home and you’ve had therapy about your miscarriages, you will be more realistic about your husband who enjoys f####### women who aren’t you, but enjoys being married to a trophy wife. Wants your permission to sleep around so he doesn’t have to deal with guilt.

How thoroughly unpleasant & yet so prissy you cannot type fucking.

ThatCyanCat · 28/05/2026 08:50

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 08:47

I’m already down you don’t need to knock me down even more

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Whoever that person is, they're not a nice woman.

Original poster

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 08:47

This reply has been deleted

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I’m already down you don’t need to knock me down even more

OP posts:

BIossomtoes · 28/05/2026 08:47

Same. Hopefully OP won’t see it.

Notsosweetcaroline · 28/05/2026 08:42

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This is an utterly shocking thing to write and you should be ashamed. Reported. How can you write such awful things to her.

Nicewoman · 28/05/2026 08:36

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NiftyGreenBiscuit · 28/05/2026 08:19

MissJoGrant · 28/05/2026 07:58

Zero evidence for that.

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😂

MichaelmasDaisiesAndAutumSunset · 28/05/2026 08:13

aquitodavia · 27/05/2026 19:39

Ignore it OP. There's no one size fits all for relationships but a lot of people are deeply attached to convention and can't understand anything beyond that. You live your life the way you want, as long as no one is getting hurt then it's nobody else's business.

Personally these days I judge judgemental people more than I do anything else!

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Do you not just end up in a "judgement" loop of doom where you start by judging other people for being judgemental, then you have to judge yourself for judging their judgmentalness, then judge yourself judging yourself for judging the original judgementalness? At best this is tiring, at worst it is likely to end up in some sort of infinite continuum that rends space and time...

Original poster

RosePoett · 28/05/2026 08:06

Nicewoman · 28/05/2026 07:49

I think you’re depressed and should get therapy about your miscarriages first. Once you’re in a happier place about that, then make a judgment call about your marriage. There’s no rush, give yourself enough time to adjust.

I wish you well with that.

Whenever you contemplate divorce, people are bound to romanticise the early days, because they just face up to the fact they made a bad decision.

What concerns me is that you say your husband is attractive and getting more attractive as he gets older. You imply you won’t have the same choices getting older.

Tolerating cheating just to keep the marriage alive just destroys self esteem. At some point, it will all get too much and you will just call it a day, or your hand will be forced by him as some impressed 20 year old will want to be the new Mrs and will get pregnant when he will be presenting you sheepishly with the ultimatum that he wants a divorce to be with the young woman in her prime.

You do need therapy - but about your miscarriages. When you’re in a happier place then decide what you want to do with your marriage.

Hopefully, you both realise that open marriages never work. And one random example of where it has worked, doesn’t justify the rest where it’s brought nothing but divorce and headache.

Good luck!

Thanks

I agree definitely depressed and I’ve been in touch with counsellors for DH and I to do sessions together and for myself too.

He has a vasectomy but I guess you can reverse them.

I haven’t said I’m unattractive? It’s okay for me to admit he’s attractive and looks better with age. He takes care of himself, eats well, cycles everywhere, swims, gyms, I’m the one that cuts his hair for him. I think for me I just spent a long time not really buying clothes or putting that sort of effort into myself in turn leading to me not feeling great. He hasn’t made me not feel great about myself it’s been the opposite. Just because I said he looks great with age, far better than the awkward 18 year old I met when we first met. Does not mean I think low of myself and do not think I look great too. I’ve taken care of myself too, swimming, cycling, gym we do this stuff together, lately I’ve just not been as motivated I still go gym and swim 3 or so times a week but we used to cycle. We cycled from Cornwall or Scotland, we’ve always done all that stuff but the last 2 years I’ve just been in a rut and now I want to get out of that rut.

Regardless of my experience I’ve never been against open marriages etc I think everyone’s marriage is different and everyone should do whatever they want in their marriages as long as they both consent to it. I’m not going to judge other people’s marriages. Maybe mine is doomed to fail we gave it a good go. Just a few years ago we were different people, we hadn’t gone through even half the stuff we’ve gone through the last 2 years. Experiences shape you, it’s our first time living and experiencing things we are bound to make mistakes. As long as our children turn out well and we both love them which we do. By the time they’re in their mid to late 20s and they’re well rounded boys I’ll consider that a success in our marriage. I don’t want to damage them and I hope we don’t and I hope they don’t suffer because of our mistakes as parents.

OP posts:

MissJoGrant · 28/05/2026 07:58

NiftyGreenBiscuit · 27/05/2026 13:24

I think what he wants is for you to have a closed marriage and him to have an open one.

Zero evidence for that.

Nicewoman · 28/05/2026 07:49

I think you’re depressed and should get therapy about your miscarriages first. Once you’re in a happier place about that, then make a judgment call about your marriage. There’s no rush, give yourself enough time to adjust.

I wish you well with that.

Whenever you contemplate divorce, people are bound to romanticise the early days, because they just face up to the fact they made a bad decision.

What concerns me is that you say your husband is attractive and getting more attractive as he gets older. You imply you won’t have the same choices getting older.

Tolerating cheating just to keep the marriage alive just destroys self esteem. At some point, it will all get too much and you will just call it a day, or your hand will be forced by him as some impressed 20 year old will want to be the new Mrs and will get pregnant when he will be presenting you sheepishly with the ultimatum that he wants a divorce to be with the young woman in her prime.

You do need therapy - but about your miscarriages. When you’re in a happier place then decide what you want to do with your marriage.

Hopefully, you both realise that open marriages never work. And one random example of where it has worked, doesn’t justify the rest where it’s brought nothing but divorce and headache.

Good luck!