I was so tired, but so happy, now i’m just so tired

It’s quite unusual to read these posts because MN normally advocate returning to work asap “ because pension” but I totally get what the OP and @LarksAscending is saying. Some mothers are desperate to return to work, others love being SAHM and still others would love to spend more time at home with their young children but can’t. Which shows how different we all are.

I loved it so much I became a registered childminder and later moved into group care and education.

My own children are adults and I’m currently planning a trip with one and will be meeting the eldest two in London this weekend, in fact we’ve been planning ( and doing) lots of trips and events and they visit fairly regularly too. The teen years were the hardest with one, the tween years with the other

I sometimes think these years are the most rewarding! But every stage has its challenges and rewards as has been said

This is lovely! And so true ...

That's really interesting @LarksAscending

I would broadly be the opposite - everyone I know really enjoys working, and mostly enjoys their actual role. At different points perhaps not, and certainly in mid-life I have friends who would love to do something different but feel they can't, usually due to kids.

I find my own job challenging and certainly have hard days but I am motivated and interested in it, I can't imagine how hard it would be if I hated it ...

The tough bit about parenting at any age is that you are preparing them to become more independent, therefore by definition you have to let them go so they can develop into being an independent person. I was so sad to give up breastfeeding, but it brought new freedom for me. I loved being the very centre of their world, but as they grew and started school there was freedom in knowing I had time to myself. I was at home for six years- so my first DC had me full time but I had to go to work when my youngest (of three) was 9 months old due to financial pressures and I hated it. But as they got older I rediscovered me and was glad I resumed a career. I’ve loved all the stages of parenting- I’m now a grandma - and I promise you there is joy in all of it. You maybe just need to discover yourself as you again, rather than just seeing yourself as part of you and her?

Same, I also make sure I make the most of the school holidays. I think I prefer mine now they are that bit older as can do more and no nappies and naps to think about.

Every person I know loathes having to work. These are all people who did degrees in their passion subjects and have good jobs. From doctors and nurses to bankers and social workers and journalists. Every one of us has said we would stop if we could and dedicate ourselves to what actually brings us joy - children, volunteering, gardening, writing etc.

Would being a foster carer work for you? There’s a shortage of foster parents in this country and you could look after babies/preschool children.

No, it wouldn’t be exactly the same but you’d be doing something amazing by protecting those children from the care system. You’d also get an income and you’d be able to do all the fun activities with them that you enjoyed.

Or - and I doubt this suggestion would work for you but I’ll mention it anyway: home education. My two were in school until they were 10 and then at home because of COVID. We discovered life was so much better that they never went back. (My two are slightly different as I have twins with significant SEN - one was in special school and the other not coping in mainstream but not eligible for special school). We have a huge home education community here and as well as the stuff I do with them, we have lots of activities and meet-ups. A couple of our teens have just started college and a couple of others are doing iGCSEs by studying themselves. It’s an option that’s often scoffed at and there are loads of misconceptions but given the current state of the education system, for many it’s proving a better choice. And it’s fun!!

My DC are 16 now (although much younger in their needs/ways because of their SEN). They are funny, interesting, and great company and we have great fun hanging out together. Despite that I still feel a bit of a pang when I see photos of when they were young. I used to think I wanted another child but actually I just wanted my time with them while they were little all over again ❤️

What else is to come that’s better?

OP, you aren't being unreasonable, as you aren't unreasonable to feel what you feel.

It's wonderful you had a lovely time with your DD, but that stage was never going to last anyway. Having children is all about loss as well as new experiences - every time we say goodbye to one part of their journey with us, we welcome a new stage (and this is true of the bad stuff, as well as the lovely stuff!)

I'm a mum to three teens. It's actually really, really hard (for me, everyone differs). But it's also amazing:

• They are hilarious, even when they are being frustrating or wayward
• They are forming into people in their own right, separate to you but bearing aspects of your personality (as well as their other parent)
• They are great company, you can do adult things together after a while: going to events, concerts, places, running / sports together, movies that you both enjoy - depending on your interests

Like other posters, I wonder if what you are missing is a part of your own life / identity, rather than specifically this stage with DD? This sounds like a really happy time for you and if you are depressed now, you may be associating this stage with happiness, and this may be even more the case as you struggled with fertility.

Can you discuss it with your DH, friends, or GP as relevant? Perhaps there are changes you can make to your own life to get back a sense of joy and lessen the feelings of tiredness?

I promise - every stage with children is filled with both joy and challenges, even when they are seemingly grown up! I would have felt that teenagers wouldn't need as much effort and care when I had small children, I had no idea what teen years would involve.

The only problem is that I'm going back to work but she's still my first priority. Not sure how I'll manage the two as I found work stressful enough before her arrival!

How does her father cope?

I am afraid this post is not doing much for 'my dh, who is the main breadwinner and I work just the same, only he is in his office and I am at home'.

Not necessarily "better" but as good. You are looking back with rose tinted glasses but there must have been times when you got no sleep; when your child was sick all over you for the third time in 5 minutes; when they screamed and tantrumed and nothing you did was good enough ? (If nothing like this ever happened, then I will concur with your view that your child had a "magical" first few years).

What you have to look forward to is your child being able to do more without so much help; watching them develop; seeing them share your interests and have some new ones of their own; see them grow as a person and have their own personality; listen them to say "I love you Mum" and know it's not just a form of words; see them grow into independence; see them try things that you never have etc. And prosaically, you will be able to offer them more opportunities with the "more money" from your job.

Would you say to your child that they have nothing to look forward to now they are over 5? If not, then why is it different for you?

I would hate not to work. I am not sure it's true that 'most people' would enjoy not having to work. For many people, working is about personal satisfaction as much as earning a wage, as important as that is.

What else is there to look forward to? It’s true that you might not ever go back to the physical and emotional intimacy and dependency of those early years (which I hated, personally but I can see why a mother might have enjoyed them). But she will grow into a person who will surprise you: she will grow in her own direction and it’s just wonderful to see. She will talk about her friends and her hobbies and things she’s learned, about school this and gymnastics that. She will express preferences and firm objections. She find funny things that you don’t. She will struggle with situations and her problems will grow and you’ll watch her learn to cope. There will come a time when a kiss and cuddle won’t even touch the sides (and she might push you away anyway), and you’ll have to change your methods to give her new things that she needs. It’s a different type of intimacy, if you do it right.

Your role is to have her be fully independent by the time she leaves you, but to ideally want to keep coming back for your company and figurative loving embrace. I strongly object to the pp who said you’ll look at her aged 18 and say “I did this”: no. You want to look at her at 18 or 21 or whenever and feel amazed that she did this. You just helped nurture the best parts and trim back the worst, that’s all.

Those cosy years don’t last long at all. Maybe you have a couple more before she starts emerging as a person. But they were always going to end. And that’s right, actually, for both of you. Don’t look back with regret. Those years are best left where they are. Look forward with curiosity about who she’s going to be.

Theres so so much to be looking forward to. I have loved every stage with my children, from starting primary and seeing them grow, to having teens and enjoying spending times with these funny, clever people. I have two young adults now as well as a primary school aged child and I'm loving it. I go to gigs, trips, nights away with my adult kids, I'm seeing them loving uni life and training for a career. They aren't always home as much as they have partners and friends but I love the time we do spend together. I also get to spend time with my youngest whether that's trips out or just doing activities together. My favourite is when they are all home, the other night we had my older two round with their partners, my youngest with their friend and I enjoyed the noise and the laughter.

I'm also enjoying where I am in life. I work part time on a job that I love doing, and I'm developing my role. I go out with friends and away for the weekend etc. Life is good.

It sounds like you had a wonderful time and you are will have plenty more. It's a big moment of change but it will pass and there will be a new normal.
Not directed at you OP but these threads annoy me when people talk about making 'sacrifices'. You do realise that for a huge amount of people that's just normal life? We didn't make any 'sacrifices' because we had none to make. No holidays anyway, always had a shit car, never ate out etc. Yet still both working full time (I went back when my children were 8 months old) to keep a roof over our head and future job security.
Lots of people would love to choose playgroups and coffee dates and baking and afternoon naps together over work but it's not a choice they have.

She's 7? You have so much fun ahead! Travelling. City trips with kids are great, you get to go to all the museums. Watching her becoming more adventurous trying new food. Theatre trips. At home your art, craft and cooking activities can go to a higher level. Read the good books together - Harry Potter etc. Don't focus on what you are no longer doing, but what you are currently able to do.

All of this and more!

It is a privilege to raise children.

Op - if anything, teenagers need you more.

I was exactly where you are now. My whole life had changed and it was definitely for the better despite sleep deprivation etc. The thought of going back to work sent shudders down my spine. She's now 2.5 and we both need me to go back. The only problem is that I'm going back to work but she's still my first priority. Not sure how I'll manage the two as I found work stressful enough before her arrival! But I do need to go back to the adult world as you will want to. There's only so much painting and imaginative play any person can do on a daily basis before cracking up! 😬 4 months is the sweetest spot. Enjoy it!

I remember dreading going back to work after having kids. But I found I appreciated time with them more

I love being a mum to teens. Mine are just glorious human beings and it's loads of fun. I love the adventures we have following their interests, I love spending time with them and seeing them having all sorts of adventures

I loved the toddler/preschool years too but I have genuinely loved every age and stage of being a mum

I have older teens, and have found much to enjoy at every age (except newborns!). But the golden, halcyon days were beyond a doubt the preschool and early primary years. There is a genuine magic about that age which is never recaptured - unless they have grandchildren, perhaps!

Me too!

I like being with one toddler (mostly, although we’ve hit a tricky stage at the moment)

I didn’t / don’t enjoy having two of them

I hate it when people tell me I’ll miss it though and this is kind of the same. It may well be that the OPs ‘best’ years were those years. I don’t mean nothing good will come later, just that she is allowed to miss it!

I always say the work bit is easy, it’s the running, the rushing, getting everything ready, being so exhausted that I don’t properly do homework with the kids, I don’t have the chats I’d love to, baking etc is gone out the window as my days off are spent trying to get the house into some form of normalcy.

Saying that I know dh appreciates not being the sole bread earner, I appreciate the wage packet and the kids appreciate my days off and so me more. Hugs op, it’s all hard