AIBU to just tell my mum her judgement is pushing my brother away?

All you can do is say "I see the situation differently to you and I'm really glad they have such a happy home. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking time out to be at home with the children or continuing to enjoy hobbies when the children are small. I don't have a problem with where they live and the children have plenty of time outside. I would really prefer it if we keep the conversation positive or agree not to discuss them because I have no concerns and I don't like being critical about family."

It the the case, though, that older people who are used to bungalows can find stairs very physically challenging. Those climbing muscles become weak. Not that
it gives her a right to comment but it might be a reason.

You've been listening to her saying unkind things about someone you love for 4 years?! That is awful OP, your poor brother. If I found out that my sibling had been behaving like that I'd probably want nothing to do with them any more.

It doesn’t matter what she thinks. She isn’t them so she should learn to shut up and let people live their own lives.

Oh I couldn't be arsed with her. She has absolutely no right to be telling her adult son how to live when he seems to be living a lovely life with a wonderful wife.
Tell her to get a grip and keep her nose out.
Is it because he is her son and you are her daughter that she is so invested in their life? I know how some mothers of sons behave as i have all sons and some of their friends mums are THOSE kind of "boy mum"

Agreed. Do this every time she starts criticising them.

I have a mother like this. I am no contact with her because of her nastiness and judgements. It is all projection because of her own insecurities and I assume she is jealous of your brothers life however I also think you are naive if you think she is also not bitching about you and your lifestyle to your brother who has possibly already shut her down which is why they barely see her. This is exactly what my mother has done and now neither me nor my brother have a relationship with her. Sadly she also destroyed any relationship we had with each other first.

Oh wow this sounds like my MIL with me and DH! Our lives are pretty conventional I would say, but our crime is that we don’t live next door to her. At every visit she would criticise all of our life choices, and in a much more direct fashion that your mother. Unsurprisingly we got tired of this and the visits have trailed right off to very occasional duty visits. Now apparently it’s all my fault that her son doesn’t live next door to her.
OP I would tell her, but don’t get your hopes up that she will change. But it will help to clear your conscience a little.

She must be such a disappointment as a Mother and Mother in Law (I'm only partly being sarcastic).

This is a really good point. I’d make if to her - maybe she isn’t what they wanted either? If she’s expecting you to be direct with your brother, I’d be telling her a few home truths….

I think he’s not meeting her expectations. And why the hell should he as they are unreasonable! You have two options and one of them is to sit her down and say you do not agree with her negative talk about his family and listening to it is having an impact on you. She must stop it now. Or secondly, (I don’t think this will work) is to continually talk positively about his family. So you are not fanning the flame by not saying anything, but you are super positive about his lifestyle. Don’t give her a platform, a listening ear. As for how your brother is with her (collecting her from a hotel etc) that’s upto him. He is an adult. And he will need to manage his own relationship with his mum. You need to manage your relationship with your mum and create a boundary that she knows is not be crossed. She is not to bad mouth your brother and his family!

You have a spineless father, don’t you? He just sits there and let’s her run his son down?
Or does he actually agree with her?

I would push back hard and tell her she’s being ridiculous. Their lifestyle is not dangerous or bad for their DC - just different from what she thinks it should be. I would tell her that if she carries on she risks losing a relationship with them all.

She sounds like my mother who.takes anything I do that doesn't align with her way of doing as a personal attack. Apparently I do lnt actually want to do them my way it's simply to get at her. And yes, she has pushed me, and her gc, away.

What is she criticising you about, behind your back?

She sounds awful! Is she jealous?

Id stick up for your brother and tell her yku
dont want to hear about it again … their life sounds fab! She should be proud .. mad old bint.

If this is her ‘not as direct’ criticism to their faces then oh my God. Absolutely no wonder they don’t see much of her!

My mum tends to be the same about my siblings - i just shut it down with oh really? I think they're doing great! And then i change the subject.

I'd go further and say you need to snap at her that: it's his life, he's happy and you've no intention of talking to him about it. You're also sick to the back teeth of hearing the misery pouring out of her mouth and don't want to hear it anymore so if she can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Stay at home and stay away because all she's doing is bringing the mood down and you don't want to hear it anymore.

Tell her you don't want to hear any more about it.

Honestly, it is sad that she is alienating herself from your DB and his family, but if she won't stop carping then that's what she will get.

What do you say to her when she says this stuff to you? Surely you just shut it down and point out that she is ruining her relationship with them?

Not sure about what you should do in relation to your mum. But your relationship with your brother will be there long after your parents are no longer around, so don't alienate him (not that I think you would, you should very positive about him) because of your daft mum.

Was he closer to your mum before he was married? It sounds a bit as if she resents him being married and no longer being the main woman in his life.

Would you like it if she was criticising you behind your back to them, would you want your brother to stand up for you?

Does she criticise them to their faces or just behind their backs. Do they even know?

I would refuse to spend one minute listening to that crap. Waste of my time.

💐🍷
I'd be so tempted to tell her to pack it in.
Every single time she discusses your Brother and his family tell her to mind her own business.
You know she'd be bitching about you if you were to do something so scandalous as live in a flat 🤯🙄😉

As for your Dad and Husband, they need to shut up too, and stop enabling her unfair criticism.

I can fully understand why she isn't invited to visit them often, and why they never visit her.

She must be such a disappointment as a Mother and Mother in Law (I'm only partly being sarcastic).

I had a similar conversation with my mum. I just asked her to think very carefully about the future she wants wrt family life.

It’s hard though