AIBU to just tell my mum her judgement is pushing my brother away?

I would absolutely tell her that she is being critical and unfair. That she is on a path to loosing her son, and that you won't listen to it for much longer.

The whole needing to be taken to and from the hotel is ridiculous. My mum loves to be fussed over and have people take care of her. It is exhausting and I have largely cut her out of my life.

Poker is actually a really fun card game. I haven't played in years but when I do the stakes are usually super low (5/10/20/50 cent). But it can of course be a problem if people are loosing money they cannot afford to. My motto is only gamble what you can afford to lose

And it sounds as though your father has been her enabler in allowing her to get like that.

I would tell her, as I did tell mine, but be prepared for a complete breakdown in your relationship with her.

Not a good idea to follow what dad suggests nd agree to speak to DB but then not to……..DM might then confront DB and say you’re going to speak to him etc and this might interfere with your relationship with DB and SIL…….hope that makes sense.

Personally, I’d tell DM that DB and SIL chose their lifestyle and it is nothing to do with anyone else how and where they live………and tell DM you are no longer discussing it with her.

^ that is the best option IMO.

"You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family" as they say.

She isn't going to change, so all you can do is change your behaviour and the above is a good start...

IME good relationships with in-laws require one of two things:

Either both sides being fairly tolerant and and kind, and never criticising each other openly. Or one side being extremely tolerant and kind to put up with the criticism and demands of the other.

Your mother needs to understand that she won't succeed in getting your brother and SIL to change their lifestyles. So either she puts up and shuts up, or she loses any chance of being close to them and her grandchildren. Does she really value making a point above seeing her son?

Sometimes a sibling (any helpful aunts or uncles?) or close friend (if you also know them) can get through to them more easily.

So what has your Mum done with her life?

Regardless I was expecting some sort of shocking behaviour from your brother and am disappointed it’s all nothing really.

You and your Dad are being unreasonable for not telling her to wind her neck in.

Must be so uncomfortable for you OP, when she starts her nonsense. Has your DB mentioned anything directly to you?

Sounds like you're all just a little bit scared of her because no-one is calling her out on her behaviour and just ignoring it. I think, after 4 years (!!) you should tell her that you don't want to listen to her criticisms of your DB and shut any further comments down straight away. If she gets a cob on, then so be it. She should be told to find other things to focus her attention on, like new hobbies so she can inflict herself on other unsuspecting people so she can relax her attention on DB.

And don't think for one second that she doesn't slag you off to anyone who'll listen because I'm sure you've done/are doing stuff that don't/doesn't align to her way of thinking!

Well done to your brother and wife for not seeing her and tolerating her.

She sounds truly awful.
Stop seeing her yourself.
It's not worth it.

I'd be bigging up your brother's lifestyle. "Oh how wonderful that the kids have x and y on their doorstep. Don't db and sil have a great life, their flat is gorgeous and their spare room? Like a 4 star hotel. The kids are growing up beautifully, what a good school they go to, what fabulous parents they have and great that they have such healthy hobbies?" Honestly your dm sounds like she is envious and resentful of their lives in equal parts. I'd tell her straight(and she will then see and paint you as the enemy)Mum, they are fine, they are happy, dont you want then to be happy? And successful? And content? Support your db.

She is much less direct in her criticism to their faces but they aren’t intelligent people so certainly aren’t blind to it. They just get a lot of “gosh isn’t it sad they don’t have a garden to play it”, “they must miss you terribly when you are at tennis”, “don’t your parents think all those years in education are a bit wasted now”.

That’s hardly ‘much less direct’. If my MIL subjected me to such a barrage of snide passive aggressive attacks I wouldn’t give her house room!

Ideally your DBro would turn to her and tell her directly that she is being judgemental and nasty. What does he say when she says stuff about his DW like the ‘wasted education’? In his shoes I would tell her not to speak to my partner like that.

Why is this your job and not your brother’s? If HE wants their relationship to improve he can tell her how to do it himself. He clearly would rather keep her away and who can blame him?

Just decline to listen to your Mum’s opinions in ways suggested by various pp.

I have a narcissistic relative (I have looked at the proper tick list) and I just say ‘they live their life , I live mine and they are my brother, aunt , etc, and it is not my job to be involved in criticising people I love’

My DD and her DP have been totally pushed away because of his Mum being so judgemental. It's sad because she is lonely, but they've had enough. Having a garden to play in, can't compare to having London on your doorstep. I think that you need a honest chat with her, you absolutely have the right to tell her that you are sick of the negativity and while she can think what she likes, you don't want to hear it. Do you think that her hyper fixation is cognitive decline?

this. Its simple
"Mum its not your business and I am not going to discuss it ANY MORE"
Rinse and repeat.

The kind and caring thing to do in this situation is to tell her some home truths. Otherwise she risks losing contact with her son and grandchildren altogether, and I doubt that she really wants this.

Why have you not stood up to her in 4 years?

By now you should have told her that you will no longer listen to this constant criticism or your brother and his wife and that as far as you are concerned they live a perfectly happy life.

You are enabling her rants by not standing up to her.

Gambling isn’t necessarily awful. Some people are susceptible to addiction or can be occasionally reckless but not everyone. Many people who enjoy it as recreation decide how much they are prepared to spend and stick to it. They budget for it the way they do other activities. When it’s approached that way there isn’t much difference to any other night out other than you occasionally go home with more cash than you went out with.

I have a feeling your mother might be one of those women who have a problem with their DIL usurping them as the most important woman in their son’s life. It’s a rather weird and unpleasant trait. Mingled in with that, I think she might be jealous of your SIL’s accomplishments and qualities.

In your shoes I think I would say again that you don’t want to get involved and you don’t want to hear her sniping about them and you aren’t going to listen to it anymore and will leave next time she starts.

“Mum, he’s happy and living his life so why would you want to change that? Why would he , even if I told him to? If you don’t stop criticising them, don’t come crying to me when they stop seeing you.”

I would not criticise your Mum but would say that you have no criticism of your brother so can't sort him out’.

Say that they are financially stable and secure, that children living in London have a fantastic range of cultural and other opportunities, and to make relationships with people it helps to be able to be open minded to different perspectives and different lifestyles.

It is unlikely that you will change her mind so just stay true to yourself, don’t enable or agree, or ever play the role of her flying monkey

So it's wrong for your SIL to be away from her children to play tennis, but it's also wrong for her to be a SAHM who spends all day with them?!

OP has she always been like this or is she showing some age related decline? It sounds awful.

I think I’d say “they are happy why is it an issue to you?”

“Would you prefer they do what you say and be miserable?”
”have you ever considered they dont spend a lot of time with you because you are very critical of them?”
id just keep throwing it back at her.
my parents and in-laws are like this cant understand anyone different to them.

So your dad is the enabler ,talk to them or pretend to so.i can have a quiet life
..
I think you should be honest with your mum.

Sounds like they have a great life. I’d be inclined to tell her to lay off and not everyone wants to raise their kids like she did. London is a great city to grow up in and plenty of parks / open spaces.

I’d repeat the following messages:

You don’t think it is your place to comment on your brothers life and won’t interfere

You are sick of hearing her complain about your brother’s life and don’t want to discuss the topic anymore. It is nothing to do with you.

You think her behaviour is risking her relationship with her son and does she really think it is worth that risk.

Why are you reluctant to tell her? If she's able to give such strong opinions, she should be able to take them back once in a while

Have some stock replies ready for her that shut down the conversation every time she starts talking negatively about them. Ones that make it clear you won't be joining in with her opinions, or talking to him about how he lives his life.