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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to just tell my mum her judgement is pushing my brother away?

133 replies

Henristoycat · 27/05/2026 06:43

Good morning all,
This week my mum is staying with us, and I have already in the first few days heard non-stop about her opinions of and issues with my brother, his wife and the life they live.
For context my brother is 36, he is married, has 2 children and lives a very nice life, you would think any parent would be delighted, however not my mum.
I have gotten quite lucky in that my idea of a good life happens to align with hers so I don’t face half the scrutiny my brother and his wife do.
I will note some of the issues

  • My brother’s wife doesn’t work, and really never has. She is from a wealthy family, they are mortgage free thanks to her family. She completed her degree, two masters, worked briefly for a year and then had their first child and is a stay at home mum. She has various side projects, is extremely intelligent and a good mother. I don’t personally think it is anyone’s business how a family makes money if at the end of the day, they can support themselves, and provide their children with all they need.
  • They live in a flat in a city centre, my mum fundamentally believes children should be raised in small villages or towns, with plentiful access to outdoor space, gardens, large homes. Again I don’t think one is inherently better than the other, both have their pros and cons. The children live near some of the best parks in London and aren’t exactly lacking in opportunities to play outside.
  • My brother and his wife have hobbies …. Yes really that is a problem. His wife plays tennis, my brother golfs, they both occasionally enjoy playing poker (this hasn’t threatened their finances to my knowledge). My mum believes that it is poor parenting to leave the children with a babysitter occasionally to “indulge” in hobbies.
  • They don’t visit her often, and don’t let her visit. To be honest I imagine this is because she is so bloody judgemental and is constantly criticising them. She also refuses to stay in their flat as you have to climb stairs so gets a hotel, but then complains she can’t navigate London alone so one of them have to go and get her each morning, walk her back to theirs and do the same in the evening.

She is insisting I to my brother and see if I can “sort him out” as he has clearly chosen his wife badly, raising his children badly and is hurting her.
She has now said as I refused to talk to him, I must agree with him and we have both let her down and she doesn’t know where she has gone wrong!
My dad thinks I should just say I will talk to him so she will stop asking, then not act on it, I think it’s pointless to say that.
What I actually want to do is tell her perhaps they keep a distance because she is so judgmental, critical and arrogant about her view of what is right. Both my dad and husband think I shouldn’t bother and that she might even have “some points” even if it isn’t technically her place to comment on it.

AIBU to think she is being absolutely crazy and after 4 years of listening to her witter on about how disappointing my brother and his wife are, to think I should just tell her, that her attitude may be the problem, not their parenting or lifestyle (which may not be to everyone’s preference but isn’t objectively bad)?

OP posts:
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whattheysay · 30/05/2026 16:25

What was your mums life like and what is it now because it sounds like she is jealous of their life.

Ronnybabes · 30/05/2026 14:07

Maray1967 · 27/05/2026 07:31
You have a spineless father, don’t you? He just sits there and let’s her run his son down?
Or does he actually agree with her?

--------------

You and your father could sort this out together between the three of you with a few well chosen words.

ImGoneUndeground · 30/05/2026 01:55

Corianda · 27/05/2026 06:50

Sounds a great lifestyle DM is nuts

Jealousy is a horrible trait within families & your DM appears to be jealous, for some reason, & if your DB & wife/ family are happy (as it sounds like they are) your DM needs to butt out / be happy for them. Why wouldn't she - I would be if this was my family.
She could end up alienating herself from them.
Does she expect them to change their lives because of her weird opinions?
Maybe show her this thread? X

NoNewsisGood · 29/05/2026 15:59

I'm stuck on this one. I am the sibling that never does it 'right' in my mother's eyes. I have no idea how much she openly moans about me and my life to her other children. I have my suspicions, but I don't know. She certainly never moans about them to me.

We do however, keep our distance because we are not daft. We know her opinion, we know our life is not what she thinks is 'right' as we hear enough barbs when around her.

How to fix it? I really don't know. I think what I am learning from my friends' parents dropping like flies in recent times is that if you are not already teamed up with your siblings, start now. Making sure those bonds are strong before you have to deal in unity with aged parents or their death is a good idea. Taking your brother's side might, therefore, be a good idea. At the very least make sure that your brother knows you don't agree with your mum's opinions. Parents like that have a tendency to put barriers between siblings, even when not intentional.

NotThisShitAgain121 · 28/05/2026 18:26

I am sorry but your dad needs to grow a set and deal with her. You are both adults and live your lives the way you want. If she does not like it tough shit. Maybe go low contact with her for a while as she sounds very draining.

LHP118 · 28/05/2026 18:16

As someone in a similar situation.... It has taken quite a few years to diplomatically state my stance. My DM and DPiLs are very similar...their way or the high way. My OH says I shouldn't bother telling the DPiLs what I think (as his parents he should know: they've never listened and don't take to feedback kindly. He's right!)
With my DM...she causes some of the problems. I said to her...what do you want most for your children - your son - and his children. I want them to be happy...that looks different for different people. As long as he's happy, you should be happy for him. That's it in theory.... In practice? Not easy to navigate/manoeuvre...and needs to be built up to....

LyndaSnellsSniff · 28/05/2026 07:53

Good grief! You seem to have my MIL as a mother.

In my MIL's case, the criticism (of me) went stratospheric when I had my first DC. It took me years to realise that she couldn't cope with no longer being the only mother in the family. She is quite matriarchical and had her nose put well and truly out of joint. Like your dad, my FIL was an enabler.

I'd put money on her being jealous of your brother's wife. Is he your only male sibling?

Raven08 · 27/05/2026 21:36

Elsvieta · 27/05/2026 13:05

"No mum, I don't agree with any of your criticisms of db's way of life, and even if I did I wouldn't think it was my place to tell a grown man, old enough to have a wife and kids, how to live." What's so hard about that?

And maybe add that DB would perhaps want to spend more time with her if she'd drop the sneaky putdowns.

Perhaps even add that millions of people, a lot of them presumably less intelligent than her, some of them not even adults or people who speak / read English well, negotiate London all by themselves all day every day, and perhaps it's time for her to stop being silly and get on with it. Advise her to do what I do (due to risk of phone snatchers) and use an old-style A-Z. Or even buy her one.

This ^

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/05/2026 21:14

PermanentTemporary · 27/05/2026 06:48

To me this is where the proverbs and sayings of yesteryear come in. It’s a shame they seem to be dying out. Just let her witter on with her poison and answer with ‘oh well, live and let live’ ‘takes all sorts to make a world’ and then change the subject very firmly. Take every opportunity to say something nice about them. Above all, be visibly close to them (if they will let you), stay in touch, see the children, compliment their manners etc etc.

Just because your Dad will appease her to keep the peace doesn’t mean you have to.

I’d go for “If you can’t say anything nice, mum, don’t say anything at all”.

Sparkysmum · 27/05/2026 20:53

If mum is talking about your brother and his wife to you, I wonder what she is saying to your brother about you.

Bluedenimdoglover · 27/05/2026 20:19

Just refuse to get involved and tell her that, as far as you can see, they are happy, the children are happy and that's what's important. Tell her if she can't see that, she has the problem, not them.

GreyhpundGirl · 27/05/2026 20:17

Counter, so she knows you don't agree with her then move on. If she keeps returning to it, tell her she'll alienate you too. Grandparents have an opinion to n how their children are raised, not their grandchildren.

JustSawJohnny · 27/05/2026 16:37

She's meeting the consequences of her own behaviours and honestly, you'd be doing her a favour to tell her that.

Sounds like your dad has enabled her bullshit for years and everyone else has just put up with it.

Original poster
Henristoycat · 27/05/2026 15:38

BunnyLake · 27/05/2026 14:16

Is that a typo? They sound intelligent to me.

Show quote history

Oh gosh! Yes I did mean are intelligent! That will teach me for not proof reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henristoycat · 27/05/2026 15:37

lynntbio · 27/05/2026 12:01

Playing devil's advocate here or at least an alternative perspective:
I am in my late 50s with older teenage children. We are poor and for all of their childhood (and still) we have lived in a tiny terraced house in a city. We have a tiny back yard/outside space which we have tried to make as nice as possible with flowers and pots etc. That little outside space was absolutely lovely, and in my opinion, so important for when the children were little, for playing with a sand table, playing with water squirters, planting seeds in pots - just to be able to potter outside in bare feet in the summer etc. But in no way was it comparable to my childhood of freedom and a bigger garden, having pets and playing in farmers fields! I would describe what my children had as a bare minimum free access to outside space, and once they got older it was actually difficult - no kicking a ball around, or anything like that. For info, we are a two minute walk from a park which contains a children's playground. Also 20 minutes away we have a splash park. It is absolutely not the same as having your own garden. It just isn't. I will always feel sad that they didn't have better. Of course thousands of children grow up living in flats out of necessity, but that doesn't mean it's optimal for children's happiness. We were/are poor and not in a position to live anywhere else. It sounds like the life of the brother and his wife is set up for their own happiness, not that of their children. On this, I think your mother has a point, especially as they seem well off.

Hobbies:
Hmm, you say occasionally children left with babysitter but what does occasionally mean? Leaving children with a baby sitter in the evening while your'e having a night out is one thing (not something I would ever have contemplated) but is this leaving children with a baby sitter for a day while husband is playing golf and wife is spending a day at the tennis club? Why can't they coordinate their hobbies so children are always with a parent?

Not staying at flat: Maybe she just doesn't want to and has come up with an excuse(s). I wouldn't want to stay in the home of a daughter in law if I wasn't close.

Poker: Both of them. Frankly that just sounds rather odd. And dangerous. Perhaps from the wife, it comes from her privileged life and she feels it's no risk.

Anyway, just an opinion!

Interesting take. Obviously this wasn’t a comprehensive overview of their life, my sister in laws family own a holiday home abroad with large gardens/a pool (we are invited to stay most summers so I can account for it being lovely). They spend a massive chunk of the summer there, this week they are away in Greece, in a villa with outdoor space, sister in laws parents live in the Home Counties where they visit on weekend, this isn’t children with no outdoor space access.

Babysitter 1 night a week depending, maybe during the day if they are going to an event together, both the children are not yet school age, and only in nursery a few days a week, so is an extra day with a babysitter any different to an extra day at nursery?

I think it’s fine that my mum doesn’t want to say at their flat, but to then insist someone comes and gets her and walks her back, get annoyed if they want to walk her back or there early/later than she’d like, is the issue.

Poker, I do get the concern, my sister in law has a relative who was a professional poker player, I suppose for some people when you have access to money and know how to play well (as unlike some other forms of gambling their is a skill element to it) it’s not all that different to another hobby.

However I do see it’s not everyone’s idea of an ideal life, it’s not my idea of an ideal life, we live in the middle of nowhere, massive gardens, we probably spend 3/4 nights a year away from the children and only when family are here, but I don’t think there is anything dangerous or neglectful about it, which is probably the only time family should intervene, not over opinion.

OP posts:
5foot5 · 27/05/2026 15:02

Sorry but your DM sounds like an absolute cow!

I think you absolutely should tell her straight, never mind what your spineless DF and DH say. I would be tempted to tell her that, given the way she behaves, you are surprised they still want to see her at all and, frankly, she is pushing you in that direction too.

Vivi0 · 27/05/2026 14:46

I don’t understand why you have entertained and indulged this for so long.

Whatever you do, please do not tell your mum that you will “have a word” with your brother to appease her. It’s not okay for you or your mum to be “having a word” with him about anything, and I wouldn’t be allowing her to think for one second longer that it was.

She understands why she doesn’t see much of your brother and his family, right?

It’s so said to spend your life raising a child, only to reject them and push them away like this later in life. All of this must have hurt your brother deeply.

I would be shocked if she wasn’t also similarly speaking about you too.

BunnyLake · 27/05/2026 14:16

Henristoycat · 27/05/2026 07:12

She is much less direct in her criticism to their faces but they aren’t intelligent people so certainly aren’t blind to it. They just get a lot of “gosh isn’t it sad they don’t have a garden to play it”, “they must miss you terribly when you are at tennis”, “don’t your parents think all those years in education are a bit wasted now”.
The only one she openly criticises directly is poker, which to an extent I understand as of course gambling of any form is risky, but I don’t think they much care for or appreciate her input, understandably!

Show quote history

Is that a typo? They sound intelligent to me.

BunnyLake · 27/05/2026 14:13

Your mother sounds completely bonkers and an utter pita. I would not have the patience to pussyfoot around her. I’d be telling her to shut the fuck up as no one cares about her ridiculous opinions. And if she’s not careful no one will want anything more to do with her (and I’d mean it).

Lobelia123 · 27/05/2026 13:53

OldCrohn · 27/05/2026 08:24

Why are you reluctant to tell her? If she's able to give such strong opinions, she should be able to take them back once in a while

You'd think so wouldnt you! But sadly 9 times out of 10 these kind of overbearing, interfering, strong willed people cannot take a dose of their own medicine....OP will be met with floods of tears, recriminations, sulks, and pushback, her mum will take it as a personal attack/.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/05/2026 13:40

Imisscoffee2021 · 27/05/2026 13:33

So so rude to your SIL. My sister has a degree, 2 x masters and a PHD in biology and is now a sahm to 2 kids. I cannot fathom anyone looking down at her for choosing to spend so much time educating herself, then having children and wanting to raise them. The information and intelligence doesn't dissipate, your mum sounds like my mum tbh in that negativity is entrenched and passive aggressive comments about people's personal lives are frequently dropped, then she wonders why people don't bother with her as much and plays the victim!

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Also you can bet if she was working FT the mum would judge her for that too. You can’t win with people like this unless you are barefoot and pregnant, simpering around your husband and family and totally erasing any trace of your personality.

Imisscoffee2021 · 27/05/2026 13:33

Henristoycat · 27/05/2026 07:12

She is much less direct in her criticism to their faces but they aren’t intelligent people so certainly aren’t blind to it. They just get a lot of “gosh isn’t it sad they don’t have a garden to play it”, “they must miss you terribly when you are at tennis”, “don’t your parents think all those years in education are a bit wasted now”.
The only one she openly criticises directly is poker, which to an extent I understand as of course gambling of any form is risky, but I don’t think they much care for or appreciate her input, understandably!

Show quote history

So so rude to your SIL. My sister has a degree, 2 x masters and a PHD in biology and is now a sahm to 2 kids. I cannot fathom anyone looking down at her for choosing to spend so much time educating herself, then having children and wanting to raise them. The information and intelligence doesn't dissipate, your mum sounds like my mum tbh in that negativity is entrenched and passive aggressive comments about people's personal lives are frequently dropped, then she wonders why people don't bother with her as much and plays the victim!

Imisscoffee2021 · 27/05/2026 13:29

Their life sounds awesome. What a balance they have achieved and if they can afford 2 kids in London and his wife freelancing and not working full time then they're extremely well off compared to some raising kids in sleepy villages.

It sounds like she won't change but ehat can change is how much she exposes you to her personal views, and stops putting pressure on you. She's all for a bucolic traditional raising of kids but has she forgotten the old saying if you've nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all? She's creating issues where there are none.

As to her daughter in law, how ride of her to judge. You can achieve academic success and still take time out from aa career to raise your children, and childcare cost in London is huge.

andana · 27/05/2026 13:15

“If he’s happy, I’m happy, mum. Sorry, you need to back off.”

Elsvieta · 27/05/2026 13:05

"No mum, I don't agree with any of your criticisms of db's way of life, and even if I did I wouldn't think it was my place to tell a grown man, old enough to have a wife and kids, how to live." What's so hard about that?

And maybe add that DB would perhaps want to spend more time with her if she'd drop the sneaky putdowns.

Perhaps even add that millions of people, a lot of them presumably less intelligent than her, some of them not even adults or people who speak / read English well, negotiate London all by themselves all day every day, and perhaps it's time for her to stop being silly and get on with it. Advise her to do what I do (due to risk of phone snatchers) and use an old-style A-Z. Or even buy her one.