How to address this with dh

Good lord, what did I just read? 😂

It's not the lack of sex though is it. The snapping, the belittling when asking f9r a hug... massive red flag.
It all sounds to me like the husband trying t9 get the OP to leave of her own volition so he can blame her when his OW comes to light...

I think you need to use his snoring as an example and say to him we've spoke about you going to the Dr but you aren't progressing this. This issue is import in our marriage but i can't make you take action - you need to do that. So given a lack of action can i infer that you aren't bothered about our marriage?

Marriage needs work to be what you both want it to be. If one side isn't working it will eventually fall over.

It needs to be more of a known thing that so many men go off sex too

My husband has sleep apnoea and sleeps in a separate bedroom. This doesn’t mean sex and intimacy is off the table. You have your own personal peaceful sleep space, and you can “visit” each other whenever you want. Plenty of couples sleep separately and historically couples with money and more rooms would usually have separate bedrooms.
Although we don’t “visit” very often just now as I have a baby in bed with me, We did do this a lot (hence my third baby!)
edited to add everything not perfect here either, parenting is hard. Especially with no family support. Same here. It’s relentless. And your intimate life won’t be what it was pre-kids when you’ve no breaks.

Life has an awful habit of getting in the way.

Dh and I have had a very lengthy dry spell since his son died. He has been depressed and not in the mood for anything. He thinks telling me he loves me a million times a day makes up for it but it really doesn't so I absolutely empathise with your situation.

You need to make time when he isnt tired and the kids aren't about to talk to him calmly. The words in your post are a bit too combative for my liking but you know your dh best.

Personally I would play on the emotional side rather than "I'm trying and you aren't" as it sounds like a tantrum. Something more along the lines of "dh I love you but I am scared. We seem to be going theough the motions of life and marriage but the care and intimacy has slipped away. I think we should start looking at ways that we can stop it slipping any further and how we rebuild us as X & Y, a couple and not just as mummy & daddy. What are your thoughts"

He may need time to ruminate on it, but I would approach it in a more gentle way. It is fully likely that he is aware and is terrified it is already too late, he is already dismissive and defensive from your post so it is a careful path needed.

I mean, this is just awful.

Op, please don't pander to your husband till he comes round.

Out of curiosity @Belinnda what did your DH do to improve your marriage? Did he put in the same level of effort as you did?

And also allow him to express his opinion without biting his head off! A lot of what you've written sounds pretty normal in most marriages, it will never to 100% sunshine and flowers especially with children, tiredness and renovating a house.

I think I'd just sit down when you do have some free time and say something along the lines of what you did above. That you're not happy. He might think the relationship is OK, but you don't, and if one of you isn't happy then the relationship might not work out long term. And acknowledge that he is happy with the physical and emotional distance between you, and ask how he sees the future of the relationship if that continues. Is he really happy snapping back and forth, not sleeping together and never having sex indefinitely

Seriously? Did you read OPs post?
Read all the other great advice you have been given @dollydog5 and act on that.

He needs to address the snoring that will be a huge problem.Is he fit and otherwise healthy with normal BMI.You are doing all you can please spell it out so he realises what is at stake.Good luck

I second this approach. My ExH flatly refused to even consider the idea of counselling even suggested it was because my friend has done it I was copying. My situation very similar to yours not improving and him saying 'we're fine' and not even listening, when I finally realised he was too complacent and did nothing to save the marriage, I ended it after many years (I might add). I did point out that the signs were there on my part. maybe a nudge to suggest that all is not well I hope will salvage your marriage.

Blame, attack, accusation and threat will never work. Start with “I feel very distant from you these days, what can WE do to try to address this”….

Your marriage sounds exactly like mine was several years ago. The good news is that our marriage has improved enormously.

I can’t overstate too much how exhaustion was impacting my marriage. We both snore, to be honest! DH snoring wasn’t sleeping well himself. Ditto me. We both got slightly better sleep when I was in the spare room but I hated it. He simply seemed to no longer want or need sex and I felt so hurt.

What changed for us: we needed the spare room for a home office! So I had to move back in. He joined the gym and lost weight.

I also made a massive effort to channel my inner “southern wife” - so when he was grumpy I wouldn’t snap, I’d say, “you seem out of sorts, anything you want to talk about?” To which the answer was always no, so I’d say “well okay, I’ve just made coffee and there’s some homemade poppy seed muffins I got up to bake at 5am - shall we take ten minutes to stop and enjoy it?”

I was basically as nice as I could possibly be. Like, implausibly lovely. I made sure the house was tidy (dh is a neat freak), and I’d do jobs he knows I hate doing without being asked. I cooked his favourite meals and made sure he felt appreciated for all the little things he does.

It made a massive difference and we are now back on an even keel, I’m no longer a stepford wife, and we are happy again.

Tell him to stop taking you for granted, stop dismissing you whenever you try and bring up an issue and to sort out his fckn health, because you are closer to being done with this than he realises, and that it won't be for lack of you trying!
Love doesn't tend to disappear because of a big event. Love dies by the drip drip drip of not being listened to

OP honestly it sounds like the beginning of The Script and his head has been turned... sorry

I think it would be better to say that you aren't happy with the way things are between you and that you need things to improve. Its not about confrontation - you need to be able to speak openly in a relationship or what is the point? You can't pussyfoot around for the sake of his feelings - that is living your life for someone else's benefit

Wow you have your plates full with a young family and no support plus trying to renovate a house. The lack of intimacy is a natural result of having too much to do, I think it just bothers him less than it bothers you.

I don’t think he is happy with the way things are either. The horrific snoring could well be sleep apnea which means his sleep is not at all restful and he will be extremely fatigued. No one wants sex when they are bone tired. He should get a sleep test to see if he has sleep apnea.

Is there anyway too that you guys can outsource some of the renovations or housework or childcare? Rekindling intimacy will take two things- both need to be rested with good sleep and have less busy days where you can reconnect on a level that then creates the desire for sex.

Counselling would be good because then you can communicate with each other in a separate space with a mediator that can help you understand each other’s perspective.

Regarding snoring, could it be sleep apnea?

Also, not sharing a bedroom doesn't mean sex has to be off the table. If he has medical issues that could be resolved this could help both of you enjoy more intimate time together.

He needs to be checked for sleep apnea. How long since he's had a full physical? It might be time for one to address health and sexual issues seriously.

Ask him to go marital therapy with you. Tell him you're unhappy and that needs to be addressed.

How long married? How old are kids?

“there will come a time when I will be done with the way you speak to me and this lack of intimacy and rut we’ve fallen into”

• this bit is sort of OK, although it does sound a bit blamey - could you add “and i really don’t want that to happen”

”when that time comes I hope you will realise that I have tried to improve things and you haven’t.”

• this bit is very “and it will be your fault”. Pretty hostile, at a time when you want to pull things back together again.

You are focussing very hard on getting what you want (intimacy, cuddles) but unless you can understand why you’re not getting these that’s not going to work. What in your marriage makes him unhappy? What can be done about that?

I don't expect anyone to like my system and you might think it's daft, but I'll share it in case it gives some ideas.

You are enlightened, because you have noticed a problem and want to change things. He hasn't noticed. So I explain what I want to my husband.

Example, an argument might happen, and I will then add something like,

I love you DH, and even though we're arguing, I want you to know that.

Or, at some other point I will say, I really need a cuddle, because I love you and I think it will help me feel better. Have you got two minutes for that?

It might not help you but I just thought I'd share.

I'd show not tell at this point.

Build your own life. If he misses being a part of it he will pull his socks up. If he doesn't, we'll, there's you're answer and at least you'll be happier