To let my SIL go for a walk with my DD?

I'm glad you've opened up and been able to see what the real issues are and where they're coming from - it's a step in the right direction and you've booked some therapy. Sometimes when you're stuck in shit city you can't figure out what's wrong except that little voice in your head keeps telling you and you keep trying to push it down - it's not supposed to be like this is it - only when you start seeing it for what it is are you able to take some control back.

When couples have children they either support & help each other or they separate into mother & father roles going in opposite directions - a lot of people have grown up in families where this has happened, the children then grow up and repeat that behaviour in their own marriages/families.

You have a typical alpha male husband who wants a submissive wife - cooks, cleans and rears the children whilst juggling the housework and counting the hours' sleep she might get if she's lucky, along with doing what her husband tells her. If she strays out of the boundaries he gets angry. I know cos I had a husband like that, I don't anymore. He used to rope his mother in to do his share of what he didn't want to do, and sometimes his sister.

Is everyone scared of him & his controlling ways? LTB is a sensible idea but focus on yourself and your own wellbeing because he won't. His job is done.

"What can I do to repair the breach of trust? "

Seriously? He needs to chill and your reaction here makes me worried tbh.

I understand why you don't want to leave her with SIL but you did nothing wrong letting her take DD for a walk and your reaction about repairing breach of trust with your DH is OTT. You're her mother and can also make judgement calls about your daughter .

What a FUCKER.
this holidays, make sure you take sil for a walk and make him stay and parent his own dc.
then plan your divorce. Maybe sil will come round and give you an actual break once you’re single and he’s not there. Poor woman, she’s being abused by him too. But you can break your children free.

So he can't ever be alone with his kids, so always gets sil but doesn't trust her? This is really unfair to sil who is giving so much of her time and efforts.

Also an anecdote - I was in a dance show and two of my nieces were in it too. One niece was crying at the end, didn't want to do the finale, tired and overwhelmed. The other ladies found me to comfort her and said that I could give her one of our celebrations chocolates. I hugged her, gave encouragement and took her and let her chose and this was enough to stop her crying. She didn't even eat it and presented it on the way home. A few weeks later we were talking about the dance show and she recalled how I gave her some chocolate to stop her crying. What I thought was such an insignificant thing had an actual impact! that's what aunties are for, another adult that you can trust and can comfort you. It's sad that this role is being diminished.

It's not a breach of trust, and you do yourself a disservice calling it that.

Your real issue is that you have apparently not made the situation known to your SIL. So make that clear to her, and she'll stop offering, until such time as she is felt to be trustworthy.

I feel sorry for the sil. I havent read all the comments but is no-one asking why you can't just tell her exactly what she needs to do and how important x y and z is (although it sounds very patronising actually?) Shes 30 odd years old and you've just said she's literally there on hol to help! Dh sounds very unfair to her if she hasn't actually done anything wrong.. at all? Do you realise how this all sounds? I am 37 and have a 1 year old and previous to that I didn't have any experience looking after any children at all come to think about it. But I'm not stupid. I'd be heartbroken and mortified if someone, let alone my own family, distrusted me so much for no apparent reason other than I go on my phone? There's nothing else concrete you've said and just tell her no about the sweets but also, that's what aunties do sometimes and what's the big deal with a few sweets? Maybe she does go on her phone but do you know she'd be that careless with a child in tow, very much doubt it. She could be the best auntie ever if given half a chance, and yes, a little support from you guys if she doesn't have much experience (which is fine we all learn sometime!!). You even said she's lovely, poor thing. Your dh needs to address his awful attitude towards his own family.

'My DH doesn't trust her not to eg give DD sweets without telling us,' I'm always giving my nieces and nephews sweets without telling my sisters :o that's what aunties are for - we are a bad influence and the fun one haha. I do make them eat their savoury things first though. I also return their children in a feral state (which I am always ashamed about but my sisters send the girls out in pink on a walk which they know will include mud, sand or water :o)

How old is sil ?

and why is she on holiday with you ?

@Pallisershas nailed it.

It might help clarify if you added more detail as to what the sister has done in the past. "not holding the daughter's hand while crossing the street" is serious but giving her sweets is nothing (unless your DD is diabetic).

Sorry to break this but that is not your DD she brought back.

DSIL clearly bribed her with sweets and sold her to aliens in exchange for an alien imposter.

OP this thread is nuts ... Sweets from an aunt are just not a big deal.

And this, with bells on.

No! Why do you need to apologise? What's really going on, OP? Why can't his sister take out your 5-year-old for a walk? This is not normal.

Is SIL a child?

' I am a bit worried about asking because he doesn't always react well to that and there have been anger issues in the past which coupled with a fear of conflict on my end '

you are frightened of asking your husband to parent his own child ?

why on earth did you have a 2nd child with him

Truly I had no idea so many women put up with shit husbands, controlling husbands and just plain weird husbands, not until I joined MN.

Nothing wrong with your sister in law. An auntie's job is to occasionally spoil their neice/nephew with a sweet. You living in fear of your husband and his anger issues is not a sign of being in a healthy marriage.

I'm sorry, OP, but as I'm sure many posters will tell you, this is essentially emotional abuse.

When you have children, you put their needs first. Both parents, not just the mother.

is it actually a huge deal to DH? What’s happened since they got back?

Hanging with my aunt and her treating me occasionally is a treasured childhood memory and we’re still really close - do you want them to have a relationship? If the worst thing she’s done is given your daughter sweets I think you need to loosen up a bit. She’s 5, not 2.