To let my SIL go for a walk with my DD?

The OP's DH sounds like a controlling oddball.

How bonkers. At least she makes the effort! You two sound ridiculous.

In the best possible Mumsnet tradition - you don’t have an in law problem you have a DH problem. If he doesn’t want SIL to look after your DD he should get his lazy arse into gear.

I am a bit worried about asking because he doesn't always react well to that and there have been anger issues in the past which coupled with a fear of conflict on my end…

Wow. Read this back. Your own words…

I hope you have kept your financial independence - just in case this all comes to a head….. because this doesn’t bode well.

Contacting Women’s Aid and doing the Freedom Programme would be a good start.

She's in her 30s!

So after all that travelling, you cooked for everyone, no doubt cleaned up, fed you DD and then had to prepare for bedtime whilst his Lordship had a nap? That man would whistle out of his arsehole before I ever ask his permission to give me a quick a break after I did all that.

After reading your replies OP, sorry but I think your DH is more of a worry to you than your SIL. Control, anger, criticism. Not just of you but I bet your children as they get older.

Christ, some people manage to keep their own kid alive for a few years and they think they’re some sort of childcare guru with skills that no other person on earth could emulate.

Most "no sweets/no photos" parents I've met are insufferable narcissists. They genuinely believe they're better than others despite only having one child for a few years. It's also very performative as they have to let others know that they're doing these things. Normal families have no more shits to give once the third child comes along 😂

Ot if they ever have an emergency andcSIL is the only available childcare.

I find this over controlling parenting too much. Unless family members exactly as you would, they dont get to take the kids out or spend one on one time.
My kids are not just my kids. They are someones niece/nephew/grandchild/cousin and all relationships are important not just the parent child one. Therefore if you love my kid and are a decent person I dont hinder your relationships with them. They deserve to be close to everyone who loves them. Most adults are capable of looking after a 5 year old for a few hours .She might give sweets or not do it exactly as you would. But having sweets at 5 won't change who she is at 20 - she will imo be happier if she grows up with a close relationship with wider family. An aunt who shows kindness and wants to be involved is a massive gift. Let her go the walk/out for ice cream/whatever. Whats the fear .....she will not cross the road correctly? Why do you think that? Put suncream on before she goes and give her a water bottle with her.

Unless she has some kind of learning disability (& even then, it's not necessarily a dealbreaker), this is just insulting to her. And it's fine for an auntie to give the kids sweets occasionally.... that's part of the fun of being an aunt!

Tbh it sounds like OP has a learning disability due to how strictly black and white she views parenting. It's like they have rules like "no sweets" or "no pictures" and anyone who dares to breach that is tarred forever. Can't believe she actually put her SIL on a 6 month probation of "good behaviour" before allowing her to come on holiday with them.

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming and it turns out SIL is 14 or something...

How fucking insulting. I hope this poor woman stays the fuck away from her nasty brother and his totally spineless wife (the OP). Why is she on holiday with these arseholes?
Christ, some people manage to keep their own kid alive for a few years and they think they’re some sort of childcare guru with skills that no other person on earth could emulate.

What's wrong with sharing photos? "Breach of trust" jesus fucking christ. It's an aunt taking a few pics of her niece. Some parents act like any relative posting a single photo on social media is akin to trafficking their precious child to pedos. Utterly insane.

Fuck me, a few sweets. That's a hanging offence.

So he’s happy to use her generosity, but not happy to actually let her be an Auntie in her own right? Happy to get her to help him parent but not go on a walk with her niece? Pathetic and selfish.

So he’s happy to let you be exhausted and look after children on your own when he could be there? Pathetic and selfish. How much of the nights is he involved with? How much of the relentlessness of young children? The early mornings? Nappies? Bathtimes? Bedtimes?

I would suggest a firm conversation about the hypocrisy in his actions. And show your sister in law how much you appreciate her…many people don’t want to be around young children much but she is happy to help.

It is very unfair of you /your husband to invite his sister on holiday with you and THEN say you don't trust her with your children. So she's good enough to be an unpaid au pair under supervision, but nothing else?
Unless she has some kind of learning disability (& even then, it's not necessarily a dealbreaker), this is just insulting to her. And it's fine for an auntie to give the kids sweets occasionally.... that's part of the fun of being an aunt!

Clearly posted on the wrong thread 🙄

So if it’s a “bit like this” then surely you don’t feel comfortable allowing her to take your child out?

Oh and don’t even think of apologising to him. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Your real issue is that your husband is a selfish, controlling, emotionally abusive arsehole, and I’m glad you’re coming to realise this OP. You sound scared of him, and that is not right in a marriage.

I feel sorry for your SIL, it’s ok for him to use her to help him out because he’s such a shit parent, but he wants to control how she does it.

She sounds like a great person to still help out under these terms and to step in with the exact help you needed earlier when he went for a nap. A nap ffs.Lazy selfish POS.

Controlling much…

Wow. Your poor SIL.
I don’t hold my 5 year olds hand crossing the road 😮.

If SIL is this awful then why on earth are you on holiday together? And why does DH call her in whenever he's in charge of the kids if he doesn't trust her?
It must be a constant battle having her around while trying to work out if she's presenting any risk at any given moment.
Sounds like a super controlling DH whose rule is 'his way or the highway'. And he has anger issues and I wonder if you're scared of him, OP.
Food for thought.

As far as SIL is concerned, yes the sharing of photos online can be a biggie for some parents because it's their child, other parents don't mind - it's very individualistic. Giving sweets is the same - parents set rules and hope that family will respect them. Obviously not all parents are concerned with the same things. Safety - as a parent you're always on red alert and learn as you go along, half the things I know about child safety are through my own experience and seeking advice but everyone isn't the same. Assuming SIL has no children of her own, she may not have a very big radar at all but that's not her fault, you have to make her aware of what she needs to cover and make sure it's delivered as 'can you' advice not orders cos then you'll sound like DH.