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Original poster

To let my SIL go for a walk with my DD?

281 replies

Trustwithboudaries · 26/05/2026 19:41

I think i am being unreasonable! But here's the situation. We haven't let my SIL be alone with our DD now 5, without us nearby. My DH doesn't trust her not to eg give DD sweets without telling us, be safe enough etc. She has previously broken our trust by sharing photos without our permission but also has been really good for the past 6 months or more about respecting rules and boundaries. However DH and I still talked about not letting SIL be with DD5 fully alone. We are currently on holiday with her (SIL), DH, DD5 and DD 2 months. After 9 hrs of travel we arrived. I made dinner, we ate, DH went for a nap and SIL offered to take DD5 for a walk in the holiday park for 20mins. DD was crying and needing to feed after refusing all day. I was exhausted and needed to prepare for bedtime. So without thinking I agreed to the walk without asking DH. DD5 and SIL are back safely and as far as I can tell nothing we would be uncomfortable with happened. But I really shouldn't have agreed to the walk, should I? What can I do to repair the breach of trust? This is a huge deal to DH.

OP posts:
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Costatesco · 29/05/2026 14:43

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Cherrytree86 · 29/05/2026 14:41

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@Costatesco

oh right, ok. So yeah if it was a half an hour walk round the block or something like that then water really wouldn’t be required

Costatesco · 29/05/2026 14:22

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Cherrytree86 · 29/05/2026 12:11

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@Costatesco

sorry I must have missed the bit where it was said the walk was a couple of hours on the beach in those temperatures

Costatesco · 29/05/2026 11:35

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Skybluepinky · 29/05/2026 11:09

Your hubby sounds awful, goes to bed and heaves you to it, hates his sister but goes on holiday with her and you are scared of him.

Cherrytree86 · 29/05/2026 10:39

Ifihadlegs · 28/05/2026 09:38

I’d take my little bro on holiday with me (32). I wouldn’t allow him to take my 5 year old on a walk. She’d come back burnt, dehydrated, high on sugar. Loves her uncle! But he is hopelessly self absorbed!

Show quote history

@Ifihadlegs

it would have to be a pretty long walk for a child to return dehydrated.

Snakebite61 · 29/05/2026 10:10

Trustwithboudaries · 26/05/2026 19:41

I think i am being unreasonable! But here's the situation. We haven't let my SIL be alone with our DD now 5, without us nearby. My DH doesn't trust her not to eg give DD sweets without telling us, be safe enough etc. She has previously broken our trust by sharing photos without our permission but also has been really good for the past 6 months or more about respecting rules and boundaries. However DH and I still talked about not letting SIL be with DD5 fully alone. We are currently on holiday with her (SIL), DH, DD5 and DD 2 months. After 9 hrs of travel we arrived. I made dinner, we ate, DH went for a nap and SIL offered to take DD5 for a walk in the holiday park for 20mins. DD was crying and needing to feed after refusing all day. I was exhausted and needed to prepare for bedtime. So without thinking I agreed to the walk without asking DH. DD5 and SIL are back safely and as far as I can tell nothing we would be uncomfortable with happened. But I really shouldn't have agreed to the walk, should I? What can I do to repair the breach of trust? This is a huge deal to DH.

You sound like a pair of cranks. Especially DH.

JMSA · 28/05/2026 22:19

Like, really weirdly unreasonable.
Precious firstborn? No one with more than one kid would act like this 😄
I’d be so hurt and insulted if I were her. So what if she gives her a few sweets; it’s hardly child abuse 🙄

usernamemustnotcontainspecialcharacters · 28/05/2026 22:17

So pleased for the update

pimplebum · 28/05/2026 20:07

him parenting , cleaning up after dinner doing bedtime , should not be a big favour he bestows on you to shut you up

it should be an everyday thing that you don't have to show gratitude for , every hour , every day consistently without expecting a medal

Arlanymor · 28/05/2026 18:37

Trustwithboudaries · 28/05/2026 02:37

Thanks everyone for your I sight and for giving me alot to think about. I had a conversation with DH yesterday morning and made some of these points. He apologized and yesterday afternoon he took care of DD5, cleaned up dinner and did bedtime with DD5 too. He is loosening up with SIL too and we will let her do more with the kids too in future. It's not all sorted but it is much better.

Brilliant update and very glad to hear it, thanks for coming back to the thread. I wish you lots of luck.

Sweetbutpsycho65 · 28/05/2026 15:35

This isnt a normal reaction. You are being in reasonable and off the scale or being completely bat shit crazy

Ifihadlegs · 28/05/2026 09:38

Henhipster · 28/05/2026 08:43

A good point but if anyone poses a risk to your children in any way, why would you take them on holiday with you? A completely irresponsible decision, surely?

Show quote history

I’d take my little bro on holiday with me (32). I wouldn’t allow him to take my 5 year old on a walk. She’d come back burnt, dehydrated, high on sugar. Loves her uncle! But he is hopelessly self absorbed!

Laurmolonlabe · 28/05/2026 09:33

DH decided to go for a nap with all this happening- he is not in a position to be on his high horse about it- you need to stop looking at everything from DH's perspective. His opinion and his will are not necessarily the most important thing in the room.

Henhipster · 28/05/2026 08:43

Valleymum2 · 27/05/2026 22:52

Completely agree. If someone tells you they do not want a family member or indeed anyone else left alone with their child, please please believe them. There will be a reason that he maybe is not comfortable disclosing. Take it seriously. If the SIL knows she is not meant to be seeing the chils on their own then she is pushing the boundaries which again doesn’t bode well. Better safe than sorry. If it was a brother in law would you be comfortable?

Show quote history

A good point but if anyone poses a risk to your children in any way, why would you take them on holiday with you? A completely irresponsible decision, surely?

hcee19 · 28/05/2026 08:30

Lock her up, how dare she give your child sweets without your knowledge...Fgs! Why don't you just tell her not to give your dd sweets. Your dh is a sulky arse too. Your family needs to grow up

caringcarer · 28/05/2026 07:15

Quite honestly your DH and you sound nuts, very controlling and ott. I thought you were going to say that the Aunt was encouraging DD to smoke or vape the way you watch her every move. Lighten up and allow their relationship to develop. The Aunt has not done anything awful.

RestoreTealFox · 28/05/2026 06:39

Why can't your child have sweets? Poor kid, you sound like you have very controlling parents. Just saying. Unless she has allergies I can't see why she can't have some sweets? And if it is due to allergies, surely you've told your SIL, so shes aware and wouldn't get them anyway. Sorry, but you just come across as controlling.

Ifihadlegs · 28/05/2026 06:31

Have you ever spoken with your in laws as to this approach from their son towards their daughter?

Lizziespring · 28/05/2026 06:27

If your husband wants control over every interaction, are you OK? It's not usual to expect to apologise for allowing your 5 year old to go for a stroll in public with her aunt.

Ifihadlegs · 28/05/2026 06:26

Trustwithboudaries · 28/05/2026 02:37

Thanks everyone for your I sight and for giving me alot to think about. I had a conversation with DH yesterday morning and made some of these points. He apologized and yesterday afternoon he took care of DD5, cleaned up dinner and did bedtime with DD5 too. He is loosening up with SIL too and we will let her do more with the kids too in future. It's not all sorted but it is much better.

He’s always allowed her around the kids you have said.

So he is still adamant no sole care of DD isn’t he? @Trustwithboudaries

Ifihadlegs · 28/05/2026 06:25

Valleymum2 · 27/05/2026 22:52

Completely agree. If someone tells you they do not want a family member or indeed anyone else left alone with their child, please please believe them. There will be a reason that he maybe is not comfortable disclosing. Take it seriously. If the SIL knows she is not meant to be seeing the chils on their own then she is pushing the boundaries which again doesn’t bode well. Better safe than sorry. If it was a brother in law would you be comfortable?

Show quote history

I agree.

And he doesn’t leave the children alone with his sister when he’s looking after them. The op says he stays with them but she comes along.

And the OP said that it was for things listed that a previous poster outlined - like poor road safety or suggesting something reckless or not bothering with water or sun cream.

So seems like a very valid reason for me not to want someone to be on sole charge of your young child

Original poster
Trustwithboudaries · 28/05/2026 02:37

Thanks everyone for your I sight and for giving me alot to think about. I had a conversation with DH yesterday morning and made some of these points. He apologized and yesterday afternoon he took care of DD5, cleaned up dinner and did bedtime with DD5 too. He is loosening up with SIL too and we will let her do more with the kids too in future. It's not all sorted but it is much better.

OP posts:
Ifallelsefails · 28/05/2026 00:21

Has DH addressed his anger issues while you've been together or does he make you feel like it's your fault that he gets angry? You mentioned that you don't deal with DH/conflict very well which isn't surprising in the circumstances, but it's hard for you to get equally angry with him when you have children because you're probably protecting them from his angry behaviour too.

There's nothing more obvious to me than a man who controls his wife with his anger - did he witness this behaviour growing up, did he have a controlling father and a submissive mother - that's where it usually stems from.

My ex's father used to work & then go to the pub while his mum catered for their 2 children, met all their needs and basically enabled his dad.