AIBU to think a twin parent should contribute per child?

And as a twin mum this sort of thread is the exact reason I always gave twice because I never wanted to be judged by the mum police. Always sent two presents to parties. Had enough to deal with without being judged by other parents.

This thread has renewed my faith in mumsnetters! Yes the odd person agreeing with the OP but overwhelming consensus is…. Nasty, judgy OP.

You shouldn’t take on roles like this @TheMumEdit . Stay on the sidelines

This is the point at the heart of things.

The OP believes everyone 'agreed'. In reality there is little way to disagree, certainly not without embarrassment or others strong arming saying it doesn't seem enough. The social pressure to agree to more than you can afford is enormous and it's so depressing when you have individuals who fail to recognise this.

The parents who are struggling to afford things are often also not 'the poor parents' either. It can often be families who are more middle income but don't qualify for benefits who are stretched by increasing bills or had an unexpected expense that month for whatever reason. They can't claim poverty but this doesn't mean they have a high disposable income for items like this to come out of. For reasons I am aware of some of the families that are struggling financially locally and it's really not the ones you might expect.

When doing collections like this, stressing for others that it's incredibly difficult to object to a group saying they have 'agreed' £10 is really important. I don't like this expectation as it's unfair and always try to remind about it - I can pay but still object to this entitled expectation and the blindness to the problem. It's completely ignorant.

No one wants to be put in the position of a choice of looking tight, looking like they are not willing to participating or going short or being unable to pay bills.

As a rule I try and opt out of class donations and do my own thing - it part because it helps to give others an option to opt out more easily if they want and do comment that the amount should not be set at more than £2 but anyone can donate more if they wish on principle, to try to prevent others being put into the position where the tone deaf parents have this concept of 'everyone agreed'. No, everyone did not 'agree'; you were just the loud parents dominating the conversation who are lacking in social awareness.

Perhaps she can’t afford more?

Why isn't it 10 pounds per parent, and not 10 pounds per child.

Also you can't force anyone to give any money. Its optional

No one said people couldn't deal with the decision as to how much to donate. It's just nice sometimes to be given a suggested amount so you don't have to think about it. I struggle more with how much to give for a retirement gift. The amount varies a lot because it depends on how closely you worked with the person and what you can afford to give.

Yes

Does it matter? It's a voluntary contribution, she is under no obligation to pay anything at all, and I wouldn't have thought, in the middle of a CoL crisis, it was a good idea to get too specific about such things.

You never know what is going on in other people's finances. I'd leave it well alone.

Tbh it does feel like a gun.

Sorry but people who have kids in school are all the adult they'll ever be, if they can't deal with a decision making task as simple as how much to donate then they are in trouble.

Suggested amount is an excellent idea, Takes the stress off plus lets people put in less without feeling bad,

You can manage the stressy ones (I'm like that too) by putting a suggested amount. Or I thought it was quite nice for really not pressuring people when they said max £10 per family, to encourage anyone who wanted to put less in that they weren't in any way falling short. Most people still put the tenner in.

Ours was never a fixed about so it wouldn’t have mattered. People could put £5 or £50 or nothing and the kids names still went on the card. Most people contributed around £10 or (if they were well off) £20 as they wanted to thank the teachers, and it was much easier than buying a present each.

That said, if you’ve agreed a fixed contribution, I think it should be per child.

And the things people have cited as downsides of having twins seem to apply if you have two children in different classes, eg raffle tickets sold per child.

All of that said, it wouldn’t really worry me. I wouldn’t say anything or mind particularly , even though it sounds as though they can afford it. It’s just if someone was asking (as the OP is) for opinions.

But you had a choice to have 2 under 2, twin parents can't plan for that. Presumably your plan to have 2 under 2 was some time in the making.

Twin parents get pregnant expecting one baby and find out a few weeks in there's actually two babies. Finding double the childcare costs, and having to buy two of everything with 7 months notice is not at all the same as having a baby when you already have an older child...if theres any kind of age gap even a small one, you will be able to reuse things.

But twin parents need two of everything. I'm not a twin parent so have no skin in the game but it's bloody obvious and comparing it to 2 under 2 either means you're thick or obtuse.

Regardless, I can't imagine being so bothered as you are about what other parents put into a teachers collection. You sound like you live a small world and probably need to broaden your horizons, it's not a nice way to live to be so judgemental.

Some people might prefer a fixed amount to avoid the stress of deciding how much to give. I hate having to decide. But I can also understand having each person choose how much they want to contribute.

I've never understood the need to police what other people pay, it's a collection, I organise ours, I choose to put in £10, I tell the other mums to put in what they can afford or feel is appropriate and even if they don't put in their child can still sign the card, who gives a shit what anyone else is putting in, do what you want ans let others do the same? do you need to be putting in the same as other people, do you need to get extra kudos if you put in more than other people? I make it clear, you put in what YOU want and it's nobodies business what other people put in, if you're happy to pay what you've paid then you're happy surely??? I would hate a mum to feel under pressure to produce a fixed sum of money for a gift, that's not right at all or worse be worried that her child will be left out of she doesn't find the cash, fuck that, I'll take 50p or whatever you like and let everyone choose what they are comfortable with. I am very comfortable that I can afford £10 and others putting in less doesn't affect that. I honestly wonder at people's motives, do people feel cheated if they pay more than others? FS

They will have to decide what to do if that happens. But until then they should say nothing and wait until next year.

And if the mum doesn’t agree? Or do the other 28 mums stand around her and refuse to let her go until she agrees? Or maybe a bit of social ostracism to coerce her?

You are right. That's why they should specify they mean "per child" so there is no confusion.

Clearly they didn’t all agree, or at least they didn’t all agree that it was per child.

OP said "We put in £10 each which is what we all agreed".

Going forward, could you specify that the agreed contribution is £10 per child?

Who agreed? This mum certainly hasn’t. Why should a few parents decide what other parents should do with their money?

OP said "We put in £10 each which is what we all agreed". Some people prefer a fixed amount to avoid the stress of deciding how much to give. I can also understand the idea of letting each person choose their own amount.

I don't believe in telling anyone they should put in for teachers present and how much. When we did collection it was not only optional but the amount was optional - someone might give £20 another £2 and it was all OK kids got their names on the card.

I think contributing per family is fine