Do l always have to factor his embarassment into things?

“he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done …”

Tell him that he is allowed to feel embarrassment, but it is up to him to deal with those feelings himself.

There’s been lots about him being a tw*t (which he is being) and him cheating (which he might be) but I’m going to try and put myself in his shoes. Nothing you did was actually embarrassing, so why does he feel embarrassed? Maybe he sees turning down offers as rude? Again, he needs to work on that but maybe he really does cringe as he thinks it’s a snub. Does he maybe think that you’re projecting an air of superiority around his friends and family and that turning down a cider is a judgement about their drinking habits and turning down Auntie is a judgement of her babysitting skills? That doesn’t mean that your turning them down were because of that, you gave clear reasons why you declined both that were more than reasonable but if he has that hang up, he may have seen it through that lens.

If you want to try and keep going with him, I’d acknowledge his feelings of embarrassment, ask what about those encounters made him feel embarrassed, and offer reassurance if needed that it wasn’t you looking down on anyone. Come up with some ways that he can reframe things so he doesn’t get as embarrassed in future as it isn’t nice to feel that way and he can’t continue to deal with it by taking it out on you. In the situations described, he thinks someone is going to feel put out (I don’t think they would but he does). Ask him why he wants you to be the one being put out rather than them. Let’s say they will feel slightly aggrieved, well so would you doing something you don’t want to. In that case, he should be backing you, not them. In reality, I don’t think anyone would care and both you and them would go away happy.

Is he an alcoholic? Your comments about you like to drink slow and steady and him getting upset about you saying no to a drink, sound very familiar to me and a family member with a drink problem. If other people refuse drinks they take it very personally as it highlights how much they are pouring down their throat.

I’m afraid this is spot on.

I was brought up in a subtly abusive family so I didn’t see the signs when my husband started doing this to me. I thought I must be doing something wrong and moved heaven and earth to keep him happy with a huge effect on my identity and sense of self. I couldn't drive the car with him in it as it made me so nervous; he’d come over while I was dishing up dinner and I’d spill everything or overcook something at the last minute; I was even nervous about offering suggestions like if I was navigating suggesting going a different way in the car(before sat navs!) in case there was traffic that way.

It was like living with a bullying, unpleasant teacher. Except that he played with my head by being super nice sometimes. So I would doubt myself. It was hard to explain to someone because it would sound nuts: like he’d deliberately put his feet in the way to make it difficult for me to get past, that kind of thing or make a mess that I’d have to clear up (I was a SAHM) because he certainly wouldn’t; or get his phone out at the table when I’d just told the kids to put theirs away (I wasn’t controlling but it was just a rule at the dinner table I tried to have so we’d actually speak to each other!).

Whenever I gave examples to people they’d think I was being petty - this was well before coercive control was understood - so I thought it was me being difficult.

Anyway it’s the pattern of behaviour that eats away at you and makes you doubt yourself and become smaller to try and keep him from kicking off. Except you can’t because it’s deliberate behaviour. I don’t know about your husband but mine was lovely to everyone else so everyone thought I was the difficult one because I’m sure he told lots of stories about me.

It took me years (of therapy) to realise what was really going on. I’m now getting out after decades of it. Don’t put up with it like I did. Trust your own eyes and ears. Get out as he won’t change. I could give you the psychological explanation for why my husband is the way he is but that doesn’t change things. He is this way and will continue to be this way. He’s better since I asked for a divorce (I didn’t blame him btw) but still kicks off - once recently because I continued to watch a show he didn’t want to see (he’s happily watched it in the past) when he came back with a takeaway. Full on tantrum and sulking. If I’d had MN it might have given me the self belief and validation to leave a lot earlier.

He's starting "the script"....

He's having an affair...

Ooft, this sounds like the tip of a very large iceberg. He’s a controlling arse basically. Does he have any redeeming qualities, or is it time to call it quits and be happy living without judgement op?

This sounds like the type of shit my narcissist brother used to pull with his (now ex) wife.

He’s a wanker

Wow
dick
head

It sounds like he just wants to pick fights with you for no reason, maybe to make you look bad and him feel better. He needs to FO.

Honestly op he sounds unhinged

If this is a new thing, then I’d factor in a possibility of another woman that he’s planning on leaving for.

My ex behaved very similarly in terms of the tone and even the exact word ‘embarrassing’ over such tiny and objectively not-embarrassing things in the months before he left.

One of them was over how I ‘babied’ our son. Who was four months old.

I know its always said but, could there be another person involved and he is finding fault with you so he doesn't feel bad. Im sorry but you should get rid as life is too short for you not to enjoy it.

“he was super keen to say he is allowed to feel embarrassed about what l have done … He then went onto say l should not ever feel angry at him, as it is the same as him feeling embarrassed.”

Unreasonable much? So according to his argument, he is always in the right: he’s embarrassed by utterly inconsequential things such as your turning down a can of cider, but woe betide you if you are angry with him for big cock-ups such as leaving the freezer open. Frankly, he jolly well should feel embarrassed about that - what an idiot. OP, I fear you’ll get nowhere with him, because he sounds utterly unreasonable. He should also understand that anger and embarrassment are not the same thing. What’s the rest of your marriage like?

They are very stupid things to get embarrassed about. They are so minor, it sounds like he doesn't like you anymore, or at least no longer appreciates you.

when l was annoyed about him leaving the chest freezer open the last time we went on holiday, despite the waste and issues it caused.

I wonder what happened there. What was your response if you try to be objective about it

He sounds a right cunt. I’d tell him to get to fuck.

Tell him things you find "embarrassing" about him. Tell him he laughs too loudly at people's jokes or he acted nervous around X. Tell him he sips his cans weirdly. See how he likes it.

There We Are Then - every time - he sounds unhinged!

Has he always been as mad as a box of frogs or is this a recent development?

What a bizarre dickhead.

He’s the idiot!

Life is short. He needs to agree to couples therapy or end your marriage. This might sound extreme but he will get worse and the kids will suffer too hell

He can feel embarrassed if he wants. They're his feelings.

And as his feelings, and as an adult, they are for him to manage and not spill them out all over you.

You're right in that he is projecting his feelings all over you, trying to make you responsible for them, which you're not, and he is being (or trying to be) controlling.

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong, and he can choose to feel any way he likes about it, but not talking to you and silent treatment is emotionally abusive, or at very least indicative of extremely poor emotional maturity.

Is he a massive push over in life? His responses seem people-please-y to the extent of being a complete doormat.
There's zero obligation to accept "help", "favours" or "offers" that one doesn't want, and you appear to have declined perfectly politely.

Hate to say OP but sounds like resentment not embarrassment. Resentment is like a black mould to a relationship. It's really difficult to come back from.