AIBU to stop arranging things for my stepdaughters and step back?

Honestly I think this would be the same for your own children or someone else’s - if they are being demanding and greedy, you shouldn’t support them in it. Then that’s even more obvious to me since they aren’t even your kids and aren’t interested in treating you as another parent. Pleasant but distant is totally fine - leave your husband to it, it’s his responsibility.

I think it’s fairy normal for kids this age to act a bit disdainful of activities adults plan. Even if it’s fun and they enjoy it when they are there, it’s like they are hard wired to act like they are much too cool for it.
Are they complaining and disruptive when you are there? Or do they seem to have a good time despite moaning initially? Cos if it’s latter, I’d be inclined to put it down to tween sarkiness and press on. Especially if they seem to enjoy your company and are disappointed when you aren’t around.
Not that I really think it’s down to you to be planning activities anyway. How do stepmothers seem to end up the default parent for stepkids as well as their own? Are men really that useless?

my daughter HATES not getting any time alone with her dad , his ap is always there no matter what and it’s caused my child a great host of problems !
is it out of guilt you try doing things or did the relationship start after things ended with there mam ? There dad is responsible for there care when they are with him and not you , you shouldn’t be imposing on there time either my daughter would say she wanted the other woman there but only cause she knew it appeased her dad

Wow, they really do see you as an ATM don’t they!

they’ll ask me in the changing rooms if we can go to McDonald’s afterwards, - don’t know, ask you dad when we get to the pool, it’s up to him
mention that their swimming costumes are too tight and that they really want Nike ones - ooh yes that would be nice I agree (if followed up that you should buy it - oh you’ll have to ask your mum and dad)
say how much they’d like to go to a film that’s just come out - yes sounds great, ask you dad. Unfortunately, Id need to babysit.
please please can we buy some goggles because theirs are broken. - you’ll have to ask your dad.
there’s a lot of comments about how the baby gets more clothes and so on - yes, babies do grow fast don’t they!

They sound like they are being brought up to be grasping unpleasant individuals and you are doing them a favour to put a stop to it.

Funny how these guys with children always target a solvent woman.

So sad. Women offering themselves up to be used.

They are sad when you go because the organiser/ATM is gone.

That's all.

Go away and stop organising and paying for anything.

Have some self respect.

Even his Ex is using you...ffs.🙄

Children aren't stupid Op, they work out quite young whose a soft touch and is most likely to give them their own way. Let's be honest, even their DM knows you're the one with the money and isn't above asking you for stuff for the DC and that shapes their attitude to you, ask @CrossWit for what you want.

You wanted them to like you, sadly, they do like you but their Dad's who they come to see, they want your lovely days out but with Dad, not you. Men can be lazy about planning, tell him in future you'll be happy to give him ideas but the paying is down to him.

Pull back by all means Op but don't make it too obvious, now you have your own baby you don't want the DSD to think they've been replaced by the baby

Are you married to the father?(Because you'd be financially linked legally if married)

He's ripping the piss out of you, him and his ex leeching your bank account and time.
Are you not angry?

Over the years, they and their mum have come to me to ask for material things, which I direct to their dad

Fuck that right off.

This from @TFImBackIn When you come out of the changing room, say, "DH, the children have just asked me for MacDonalds, new swimsuits, new goggles and to see a movie. They seem to think I'm made of money." Say it in front of them and let him deal with it.

Whats the saying about sunlight, say it out loud so everyone can hear it or something? Expose it and make it understood by everyone that requests made in private will be passed on in public.

If they don’t like that your baby is getting new clothes, say his mum is buying them (ie you) and they have a mum and a dad who can buy them things. Then leave it up to their mum and dad to either buy things or to explain why they can’t buy things. Either way, it’s not your job. It’s one thing to be generous, it’s nice to be generous, but this isn’t generosity any more, it’s requests and expectations. It’s up to you to pull back because no one else will. Why should they?!

Use those weekends to take your baby to visit relatives or friends. Or to go to the beach.

This sums it up!
Step back.

Furthermore, from my experience, kids need private time with their parent. Give them space.

He’s got plenty of experience now of days out and activities because you’ve shown him. Enjoy your time when they’re in your home but their dad needs to spend time with them on his own doing stuff. Of course the one staying with you feels hard done by. They want to see their dad, not you.
Stop spending on things because they’re all using you.

Yes the girls don’t see you as a parent, you’re a purse and they are exploiting your good nature, I’m sorry. Tweens and teens can be very manipulative.

I’d direct them to their dad every time and when they complain about the baby tell them “I have personally spent thousands of pounds and a lot of time on both you girls. You don’t need to be jealous of a little baby. You’re growing up now, and if you want to get treats you’ll either have to ask your dad for a gift or offer to him that you’ll do chores in exchange for some allowance. You don’t really want me to treat you like babies, do you?”

There's a thread like this every week.
OP, good advice in PPs.

So if you have a baby to look after, tell your “D”H he needs to step up his parenting, and liaise with his ex about his older children needing clothing, etc and paying for all their items. Take a step back. Close your wallet. Your H really saw you coming. As did his ex. The kids are just following their parents’ example. Did he move in with you into a bigger/nicer house? And all of a sudden, everyone in this scenario decided you were moneybags?

You have chosen to have a child with a user and his children have learned this from him.

Take responsibility for your choices.
You know this is the case.

It's all rather grubby and grabby.
You deserve better.

Your child certainly deserves better.

Stop paying for anything.
Bank this money for YOUR child and rethink the relationship.

You really do deserve better.

Their ideal would be that I’m quietly in the background paying for and arranging everything, but that’s starting to make me feel quite used?

yes, I'd feel the same.

DH and his DC are taking advantage of your generosity. I would take a huge step back.

Build your relationship with them as an adjunct to him being with them. You’re talking about girls here and you probably have a much more instinctive sense of what is going to appeal to them. Set it up so he can lead but no reason from what you said as to why you shouldn’t join in. I’m much better understanding my SD’s wants /needs, but ultimately she’s very much a daddy’s girl.

They are using you and they have their mother's backing. When you come out of the changing room, say, "DH, the children have just asked me for MacDonalds, new swimsuits, new goggles and to see a movie. They seem to think I'm made of money." Say it in front of them and let him deal with it.

I wouldn't buy them anything except a moderate Christmas and birthday present.

They are not your children, stop paying for things that their actual parents should be covering, be generous at Christmas and Birthdays, reset their expectations and focus your energy and finances on your child.

Sounds like you need to take a step back. Every time they ask for something to say, 'Ask your dad'

Keep your money and preserve your tume and energy. You shouldn't have to be used, in order to be tolerated. Pulling back may just highlight to them that you do contribute alot to their upbringing; and more importantly, that ingratitude doesn't 'pay'.

Let dad arrange and pay for days out. Are you the higher earner by any chance?