AIBU to stop arranging things for my stepdaughters and step back?

Their ideal would be that I’m quietly in the background paying for and arranging everything, but that’s starting to make me feel quite used?

You ARE being used. Used by the children and their mum. And also by their father (your partner). He might be telling you not to spend your money but is he actually stepping up to be the parent instead? It doesn't sound it.

Concentrate on you and your baby. I'm praying you didn't marry this man.

After reading your updates OP, I think you would be wise to step back. Yes, children can become materialistic, but not only are the children coming to you when they want something, so is their Mum!!

In essence you are being used for what you can or might provide. The children aren't spending time with you because they want to, they're doing it, to see what they might get out of you. They've been quick to realise that you have deeper pockets than their Dad!!

You aren't responsible for providing material things for your step-children. That responsibility falls entirely to the children's parents. If their parents can't afford to purchase Nike swimsuits, then they don't have them, it's that simple. You aren't there to supplement their parents financial responsibility.

You equally aren't responsible for organising days out/activities for your step-children either. That should fall to their Dad, who should be doing this for his children. He isn't, instead he's leaving it to you, because it makes life easier for him.

Step back completely. Tell your husband that you will no longer be organising activities for his children and he needs to step up. They aren't visiting to see you, they want to spend time with him. Be straight with him...you are no longer funding his children either, because they see you as a cash cow.

Stop doing it.let them learn you are not their slave.

Yeah stop trying. I did everything I could to arrange fun outings and buy nice food and clothes etc for my DSD & she still stole from me and told her mum and grandparents lies about how badly she was treated as if she was Cinderella. It’s soul destroying.

I think they sound like two normal tweens. My children drive me up the wall asking for the next activity when we have barely finished the first, my 10 year old also uses every opportunity to ask for Nike pros of some sort. She isn’t spoilt and doesn’t get the things she’s asking for and I know this stage will pass. I don’t read anything into it as she is my own child and I know she loves me more than any of the things she asks for. Also both my children moan constantly if they are not treated exactly the same so I would just get used to the moaning about your child being treated differently and ensure their dad does what he can to treat them fairly in comparison.

I also think it’s perfectly normal that they would want to spend time with their dad over you. It sounds like you all enjoy the days out when you are together so just do those.

They are old enough to be part of the planning. Get them and their dad to plan, then go along. They seem to want you there, and that's high praise from teenagers! If they don't want to let the other one have individual time with dad, that's not your problem to sort. I would keep on enjoying the nice bits. Keep a relationship - they will value you more as they get older xx

I think that’s fine. Why are they making comments about you spending money on clothes for the baby like they are expecting the same amount spent on them. I’d tell them that they got bought lots of clothes regularly when they were a baby as they outgrew them fast like your little one. I find that really cheeky behaviour, and they clearly have expectations that you will treat them. Is that why they are sad when you don’t go on trips out as they see you as a soft touch? I’d cut back on what you do spend on them, that’s their dad’s responsibility when with you, not yours.

Another useless man palming a share of the already-minimal parenting he does off on his new partner.

I’m going to make some kind of keyboard shortcut to copy-paste that statement, given how often I have cause to post it.

You need to talk to their dad and tell him you are feeling used and you are stepping back. You also need to make it clear that this means you expect him to step up. Requests for material things need to be redirected back to “you need to ask your dad or mum”. Maybe arrange one family thing a month - a meal or cinema visit (though that might be tricky with your little one) - other than that these kids have two parents and you aren’t one of them.

Take a massive step back,what ever you do will not be good enough and you will forever be judged.

Welcome to step parenting on mumsnet 🙌

this too - you can also say baby is 10% taller than a Few months ago, if you grow that fast you will need new clothes too. Eat your veggies and see!

I think they are old enough for you ti say when they’re acting sad ‘I’m not falling for that, you act grumpy and like I’m making you do chores and you’re out under duress when I do take you out, so I’ve stopped. I can go out with lots of people who like my company, I choose that.

id say that to my dc who are 10 and 7!!

Yep, step back. They have two parents - it's their job to do that parent work, not yours.

What's actually happening?

Is your husband not taking the lead? Is he not collaborating with their mother to sort this - and just assuming you'll do this free nanny work?

Or are you diving in between them, trying to perform 'cool stepmum'?

Then there's what they might actually feel about you in the mix. Is there history there?

I think this is perfect - having a few stock replies ready will help you not get caught out - ie. in the changing rooms "right, well, we'll give that list to your Dad when we're out of here!" Or "the girls want to ask you about this DH/the girls feel they need new XYZ dear"

And I agree that consistency is important - you've drawn your line, stick to it.

Yeah my bad, I don't usually miss the finer details but I am very tired after no sleep in this fine weather last night. Thanks for mentioning :)

OP wrote they wanted to go to the cinema, while already swimming, wanting new branded swimming gear, new goggles and a McDonalds. All funded by her, and neither of the kids parents

Best leave the suggestions to their father.

I'm lucky, my stepmother is a wonderful person. I love her like an auntie. Not everyone hates their step parents!

I would say just go with the flow. Maybe ask them if there is anything they'd like to do like go to the cinema or something.

There’s plenty of people I like hanging out with in a group as they change the group dynamic, but we don’t have much in common so we don’t have or pursue a one on one relationship so I don’t think this is that odd.

Also I can see why they would feel hard done by being taken away from their dad when they’ve come to visit their dad. I’m not necessarily saying it’s wrong to facilitate one on one time with their dad, but you are very much the consolation prize to them. They wouldn’t be coming to visit you for weekends if you split up with their dad so it makes sense they’re feeling left out of their family dynamic when their sibling is spending time with a parent and they’re not.

I'd just pull gently back with a few stock phrases " that sounds nice, best ask Dad" sort of thing.
If you then agree with DH to fund the thing jointly then that's fine but he can be the one who determines what is bought.
This age kids can be very materialistic so if you keep dipping your hand in your pocket they will keep asking. If they make comments about the baby, you just agree that baby is growing fast and getting through clothes at a rate of knots.
Be consistent and kind but not a pushover. Best you can do really

MNetters will encourage you to step back and act like these DCs are nothing more than some random strangers who’ve somehow been forced to lodge with you occasionally. Beware of women who are resentful of and dislike their own stepchildren; they want other woman to have a shit relationship with their SDCs as it validates their own choices.

I’m a believer that you reap what you sow. The effort you put in now will pay dividends in the future. No one’s saying you have to be parent of the year to these girls but a bit of love, friendship and kindness never hurt anyone.

When I read you had a baby with him my heart sank.

Please tell me you’re not all living in your house?

@ByUniqueViper She thanked me by not bothering to invite me to her wedding.

That is truly shocking. Did she give a reason? How is your relationship now?

Op it sounds like you’ve made every effort with these girls.

Continue to be polite and whatever but reign in the spending on them.

Be careful with the resentment as they say it is like drinking your own poison!

To prepare for your change have a few stock answers ready when they ask for food/materialistic items

Seems to me that’s why they are sad when you don’t tag along because maybe they know their dad isn’t going to treat them or the chances are slimmer

However in some ways they are only chancing their luck and who wouldn’t

I met my stepdaughter when she was 10. I did her nails, took her for her hair cutting, converted my integral garage to give her a bedroom. Threw her first ever birthday party, took her out for tea, weekends away and holidays abroad. She asked me to do her hair and make up for her school prom, I bought her a prom dress, took her for a spray tan and her nails doing. Got her provisional driving licence and renewed her passport.Bought her clothes, nice birthday and Christmas presents and she came for tea every day after school and stayed over alternative weekends. We got on or so I thought. I did this because I married her Dad but also because I wanted to.
She thanked me by not bothering to invite me to her wedding.
So I would step back but make them feel comfortable when they're staying with you cos they probably wont give two shits about you when they get older.

It sounds like they like you and want you around but they don't see much of dad because they are with mum most of the time, so they want him around too. I'd tell DH he needs to step up and start making plans and paying for activities but still join them on the activities as a 4.