AIBU to stop arranging things for my stepdaughters and step back?

Tbh they sound like most teenagers. Give an inch and they’ll take a mile.

Dh needs to step up and tell them to stop asking you as you aren’t made of money. Present a united front and parent together as you would if they were own and taking you for granted and being ungrateful.
You have enabled their behaviour so far. Get on the same page as dh and start setting boundaries and get respect and appreciation for what you do. They are old enough to understand budgets. So get them to choose options within the “family” budget.

OP, the mistake some step parents making is thinking by spoiling the children they will love them.
The truth is it doesn't change them.
They are either open to a relationship with you or not.
It can grow with time, but often it remains cool and distant no matter how much you try.

I have several friends that are step parents and I really wouldn't wish it on anyone.

They are nice kind woman but whilst the relationships don't have drama at all, it remains a really thankless job, largely due to the men they married.

One has a step daughter who never bothered with her at all, despite efforts for years, until she realised my friends retirement from nursing was perfect timing with her returning to work from mat leave. Suddenly she was calling her Nanny Hillary 🙄.
That stopped very quickly when she knocked it completely on the head with her step daughter and husband, and said childcare would be zero part of her retirement.
She didn't have sny children herself and certainly has no intention of being tied to providing free childcare.

My other friend has a boy the same age as my eldest, 25, she just had one child.
Her two step children have never bothered with her or him, again despite her best efforts.
Despite her efforts they prefer their mothers family on all occasions, whichbthey grew to accept.
She came into a huge surprise inheritance from her single godmother, a life changing amount, that she never in her dreams expected, last year.

Despite her telling her husband she didn't intend to share the news, he told his two daughters.

They are in their late 30's and when they suddenly started visiting and being very friendly towards her, she knew immediately that he had told them.

She refused to discuss it in any manner and told her husband every bit of it will be going to her son.
She is not sharing a penny.
She has been kind, generous and welcoming for 30 years to his children, and will continue to be, but they are not getting anything from this inheritance.
They are very hurt at not sharing it and seriously feel entitled to a third each apparently.

Things are now very strained in the family.
He chose to break her trust, cause huge upset about something that was her private business.
She is rethinking the marriage at this point.
This inheritance will set her son up for a very comfortable life on top of his professional career, when he inherits.
She feels under zero obligation to share this inheritance having shared everything 50/50 with him for 30 years.
She never begrudged helping fund his children, thankless though it was, but it definitely doesn't extend to her inheritance from her godmother.

Don't be used OP, save for your child and their future needs.

Don’t say yes to any of these requests otherwise you’re rewarding them to keep chancing their arm. I would just try to ignore them and let them wash over me (like I did with many of my own children’s many requests for stuff when they were young!) or if they are persistent, tell them to ask their dad, or put it on their birthday list!

Very sensible. The have decided you aren't important to them. Just get on with your own life and make sure you don't become skivvy.for them and DH.

I felt same about my stepmums and stepdads (have had multiple of both 😂) but this scenario is different, my mum wouldn’t ever dream of messaging my step mum to by me things and if she found out I’d been asking for expensive stuff form her she’d have been embarrassed. My dad was an arse in many ways but he wouldn’t have let me ask his wife to buy me expensive things that he or my mum won’t/don’t/can’t buy.

I’ve been in your shoes and I send you sympathy. Utterly agree with step back and look after yourself. They will grow up and go further away one day, and you might even really like each other then. Good luck!

OP, have you not clicked why they "act sad" when you're not going on the outing with them?
They can't get anything out of their dad like they can you. You don't go there is no Mcdonalds money, no new goggles money, no new clothes money. They do not want you there for any other reason than to spend your money.
I say this as nicely as possible because you seem a lovely caring person : Stop being a pushover. Buy nothing from now on till their bday / Christmas. Let their dad do it. You have your own baby to buy for and if they don't like it, that's too bad. They can ask their mum or dad for it not YOU

This.

Yes please do. I have a step mother and I did not want to be her friend or hang out. I already had two parents I didn’t need a third.

One thing they will remember later in life is if you make an effort, when they were awkward teenagers.

Not normal at all.
Some children are like that.
Goodness knows mine had their moments, but nagging for stuff wasn't something they did, much less asking anyone else.
It is very rude.
They sound dragged up and are following their awful parents, who are using the OP.

It’s not perfectly fine though it’s rude, they are taking the mick and using OP for her money and kindness.

Horrible indeed.

Any requests for money or for paying for things, going to Mc Donald’s etc need to be met with a uniform “ask your Dad”, I think.

I don’t think you should pay for anything directly, only through joint funds with him where agreed.

Sounds perfectly fine to me!

I would take a big step back, do my own thing when I wanted, and join in when asked and if available.

Then stop quoting me.

The Dad does plan things but they think they can manipulate OP into getting more out of her because they are taking the mick.

Their dad does arrange activities, but for instance, if he books swimming they’ll ask me in the changing rooms if we can go to McDonald’s afterwards, and mention that their swimming costumes are too tight and that they really want Nike ones, and say how much they’d like to go to a film that’s just come out, and please please can we buy some goggles because theirs are broken?

I'm not interested in back and forths with anyone.
It's on their parents to pay for them and arrange outings. It's horrible of the father to not bother doing these things.

It’s not standard actually. It’s rude.

They aren’t toddlers, they know exactly what they’re doing…asking OP for McDonalds and new things out of earshot of their Dad on purpose because they think they can use and manipulate her. Happy when OPs spending her money on them but otherwise want time
just with Dad.

That Is horrible.

Not horrible, just standard for children.
Regardless, hopefully OP will prioritise herself and her child and leave the man to enjoy time with his kids when they visit.

Yet they are very interested in OPs money and time when she arranges fun activities for them.

That is horrible indeed.

They don't at all. Most kids at best are uninterested in a parents current girlfriend/boyfriend/new spouse.

OPs partner/husband is using her for money and to parent his eldest kids for him.

They sound horrible.

Try reading the OP’s posts again.

If you are not married, I hope you are not, then definitely rethink this relationship where your income is being used to finance this user and his family.

I think they sound like typical children. My parents are still together, but lots of my friends have had step parents that they were at best aloof with growing up, but since we are now all adults most of them are now equally close to their step parents as their actual parents.
I understand the struggle as I have step children myself. I remember the time around having my own children was particularly difficult, as it did change the dynamic and they got a bit jealous (although they were very excited for their new siblings and they are fantastic with them).
In terms of the hobby - for them to even pretend to be interested sounds to me like they were trying to bond more with you. For lots of children, joining clubs, particularly once they are a bit older, is very difficult as it can be hard to join in with existing friendships.
I'd say carry on as you intend to by being welcoming and polite and continue inviting them on family trips, but lower your expectations around what you are going to get out of this relationship in the short term. Also, establish boundaries about what you are prepared to pay for and stick to them.