Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My mum thinks my new friend is a "red flag". is she right?

115 replies

Nachochilli · 26/05/2026 00:47

I'm 31 but I’ve been through a lot health-wise which left me with a bit of a gap in my memory and experience, so I sometimes feel more like I'm 21. We're both white and straight.

A little over a month ago, I started talking to a guy I went to school with. We've been messaging all day every day and playing games online, and it's been really fun. It feels easy to talk to him, and he's been kind to me. He knows about my health history and the fact that I feel a bit behind, and he's been fine with it.

He does flirt quite a bit, though. He talks about things like wanting to go for walks, or wishing I could come over to his to share a takeaway and watch films, or mentioning stuff like spooning. Like, he'll mention how he's taking a nap. And then he'll say "I wish you were here you could be the little spoon". He tells me I'm his favourite person to talk to and says things like "you're the one" when we realise we like the same films.. Kissing emojis at the end of some sentences. He also mentioned how I look really young (which people have said I do), like I'm 18 or 19.

He was last in a relationship 4 years ago. Lasted 6. He lives with his mum.

My mum is absolutely horrified by all of this. She thinks he is a massive red flag and is convinced he's trying to groom me because I'm vulnerable. She thinks he's taking advantage of the fact that I don't have as much life experience as other 31 year olds. She blocked me from meeting him for a walk around the estate last week and is constantly warning me that his intentions are probably predatory, not friendly.

Some odd things I did notice:

  1. He doesn't like my posts, and I commented on one of his photos and couldn't find my comment after. It didn't appear in my activity log.
  2. In his mentions, he had friends wishing him happy birthday. One of them was, "happy birth day to everyone's fave roadman". Which he liked. He does not work on building roads, he's a decorator, so I assume it's the other meaning.

I'm stuck in the middle. Part of me thinks he's just a nice guy who likes me, but part of me is starting to wonder if I'm missing something obvious because of my past. Is my mum being overprotective and reading too much into his comments, or is she actually seeing something that I'm completely blind to? I really value my mum's opinion, but I don't want to throw away a friendship if she's just being unfair. So yeah.. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable for continuing this?

OP posts:
Nachochilli · 26/05/2026 03:11

CerseisWig · 26/05/2026 03:04

I'm also curious how he has the time to message so much? Are you sure he works?

I'd be worried too if you were my dd.

Yes he works. 7 till 2, hes posted pics and videos. When he's at work he messages me less. then when he finishes we can be messaging constantly like a chat room.

OP posts:
CerseisWig · 26/05/2026 03:05

Yes I agree about the SM weird stuff. He's hiding something.

CerseisWig · 26/05/2026 03:04

I'm also curious how he has the time to message so much? Are you sure he works?

I'd be worried too if you were my dd.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/05/2026 02:58

I am with your mum, he sexualised things quickly by wanting to be in bed with you, he is saying "you are the one" despite very little contact, and he is clearly being very cagey with your SM contact.

Dont fall for this, because I strongly suspect that this has worked for him before and he is trying it on you. I am probably your mum's age (ish) and I fell for it when I was younger so she probably did too. She can't learn your lessons for you but you can listen to her advice.

Oh and ETA you absolutely will not be the only one, hence why he is so cagey about SM.

Pansykavalier · 26/05/2026 02:46

You seem inexperienced and not very worldly.

How come both him and you have time to waste online all day?

i’d listen to your mum and focus on building a rewarding life before getting involved with men.

Nachochilli · 26/05/2026 02:45

Eenameenadeeka · 26/05/2026 02:28

Well he sounds like he's interested in a relationship, rather than just a friendship. Hard to understand without knowing the health issues if that means you aren't able to have an adult relationship?

Yeah, he does seem a bit more eager about a relationship, though I did say I'm open to one.

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 26/05/2026 02:28

Well he sounds like he's interested in a relationship, rather than just a friendship. Hard to understand without knowing the health issues if that means you aren't able to have an adult relationship?

GreenLeaf25 · 26/05/2026 01:48

Being called a roadman isn’t a compliment: it’s normally someone who sleeps around, is a criminal and deals / takes drugs.

HogletPatricia · 26/05/2026 01:13

Could there be something your mum knows about him that you don't?

TerracottaWorrier · 26/05/2026 01:06

You're not stuck in the middle. It's your life and your choice.

However, he's totally trying to fuck you.

Ghht · 26/05/2026 01:03

It really depends what you want from the outcome of the ‘friendship’ then. Men who message like this are usually interested in easy contact (an easy hit to the ego and some emotional support they don’t easily get elsewhere) and sex, but nothing serious. If he was truly interested in a romantic way then he would be asking you for a date. It definitely doesn’t sound like he’s just interested in friendship either.

I know your mum is trying to protect you, but you are also an adult and you can form whatever relationship you would like. You are free to make your own decisions, but maybe take some of her advice on board. I hope that makes sense.

Nachochilli · 26/05/2026 00:59

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/05/2026 00:57

What kind of ' friendship ' do you think this is ?

friends or are you hoping it will turn into boyfriend and girlfriend ?

Do your health issues mean you do not work, as how do you have the time to spend all day every day messaging and playing online games ?

How does he have the time to spend all day messaging and playing online games - as you say he does indeed work as a decorator.

On my side? Friendship that's a "we'll see" phase where I may or may not get with him depending on how he is when I meet him a couple times. Could very well just stay friends.

OP posts:
Nachochilli · 26/05/2026 00:58

Ghht · 26/05/2026 00:57

Is there a reason why your mum is so worried, had she explained this to you? Could you explain a little more about your health condition? A bit more context would be helpful, I can’t determine whether your mum is being controlling or whether he could be a genuine risk.

Heart problems. Mostly better now, but I do have brain fog and my cognition still isn't how it used to be. She's worried he might be an abuser or exploiting me.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/05/2026 00:57

What kind of ' friendship ' do you think this is ?

friends or are you hoping it will turn into boyfriend and girlfriend ?

Do your health issues mean you do not work, as how do you have the time to spend all day every day messaging and playing online games ?

How does he have the time to spend all day messaging and playing online games - as you say he does indeed work as a decorator.

Ghht · 26/05/2026 00:57

Is there a reason why your mum is so worried, had she explained this to you? Could you explain a little more about your health condition? A bit more context would be helpful, I can’t determine whether your mum is being controlling or whether he could be a genuine risk.