My mum thinks my new friend is a "red flag". is she right?

Its not quite that as not really anything to do with sleeping around. Its a bit like a wanna be gangster. Who probably sells drugs, and hangs out in the street a lot causing trouble.

Why are you telling your mum about him?

You’re a grown adult and don’t need to tell your mum about who you’re talking to.

You do have to be careful of men and she is right to always be concerned, she’s your mum and is always going to feel over protective.

But there’s nothing to suggest he’s bad.
He sounds a bit immature but then so are you.

I don’t understand the grooming comment - yes he’s being nice to you in the hopes that you’ll have sex with him - but that’s different to grooming, that’s just regular dating.

Go and meet him and don’t tell your mum.
Meet in a public space and don’t go anywhere else with him.
Then come home and talk through it with us and then decide what to tell your mum.

Apart from your health problems, is there anything that makes you more vulnerable?

Did you go to secondary school and was it a mainstream school?
Did you go to college or uni or anything?
Have you ever worked?

Don't know why, usually I am on mums' and grandparents' and dads' side when questions get asked, but I just got this feeling you have to run away from your mum, pronto. Just move somewhere - even if the man is a red flag, even if you will get burnt, just separate, please and live your own life, otherwise you will wake up one day and be 60 and will ask 'what the fuck have I been doing with my life?' P.S. You are not the only one with the health issues, other people manage, you will too, to live independently.

I don’t know what your mum’s intentions are but why would she be interested in keeping you to herself and away from a prospective healthy relationship? If you’re 31 i don’t think she’s in her dotage and desperate to keeping you by her side for her own purposes.
As a mother to a daughter your sort of age i would trust her on this.
And yes, if you - who really want this to be a good thing - are listing all these red flags, then I think you already know the answer to your question.

I would be very cautious. I think messaging all day every day is a big red flag. It is too much too soon and I don’t think it’s a good basis for a relationship because it speeds right through the getting to know you stage. I would listen to your mum and I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants to rush into a physical relationship when you meet.

I’m 31 and remember boys like this from school, always turning every conversation into some sexual thing, talking about spooning when the conversation didn’t really require it etc, it’s pretty cringe but they were 16-19 so I’ll let them off. Point being he clearly hasn’t grown up if he’s still talking to women like this, and he will undoubtedly be talking to other women. None of this makes him a bad person, just means he’s not grown up and is likely just looking for a hook up. I think guys like this are incapable of having a platonic friendship with a woman. Anyway, Just go in with your eyes open, you can see him if you like, just meet up in a public space as although you knew him at school, it’s been years so you don’t really know him.

the roadman comment was probably a joke, actual roadmen don’t go around publicising it. The insta comment you left was deleted by him so he’s definitely chatting to other women, or doesn’t want his friends to see your comment which also points to not having grown up, given he’s 31.

hmm, just from your description (which given you like him, should be in his favor) I do get a worrying feeling.

Maybe just keep him waiting. If he is just looking to take advantage of a vulnerable person, he will move on when he eventually realizes that he isn't going to get what he wants. Let him wait and wait and wait, and see how he reacts. A genuine good, caring guy, the type that would probably be right for you - given your vulnerable position - would wait.

But if you start to get pressure, guilt, etc. to hurry you along, that will give you a pretty clear sign that he isn't in this for the right reasons.

Did you know him before you got sick? What was he like at school? If you have been very ill (which it sounds like you have been) your mother is understandably protective. She may be overreacting or her instincts might be spot on. Could you invite him over to yours and your mum could meet him or would that feel weird? Have you any other friends to bounce this off?

Yeah no don’t waste your time. Lives with mum even though he works? Why? Most people would be in a houseshare rather than live with their mum, unless they can’t or won’t look after themselves. You’d probably end up being his sex-and-housework fairy rather than a partner in an equal relationship.

Roadman is also not a good tag! My 15yo uses it as a derogatory term.

Your mum can express her opinions but ultimately you are the person who needs to set your own boundaries to protect yourself (which can be hard if you're not really sure what the "expected" response is, having not dated much). I'm a parent to a daughter who I feel is more socially vulnerable and I am afraid of men taking advantage when she's older, but I also need to accept that when she's an adult I cannot make her decisions for her. I will instead prepare her to stand up for herself, and to evaluate situations to ensure she is safe and can get out if she feels less safe later. He may not like it, but you're able to respond with "I don't spoon [or any other slightly sexual comment he makes] with guys I'm not in a relationship with", to make your boundary of no casual sexual contact clear. I'm a neuro divergent adult myself and the guys who people might not have thought had the best intentions were always the ones who turned out to be most respectful to me. Often the men who other people approved of because they had better careers or education levels are those who were quick to try something physical with no forewarning. How old is this person?

@Sodthesystem has it spot on

He wants sex and then he will move on. Massive red flag

Have you googled 'roadman'? There are far too many search results suggesting drug dealer/gang member.

That's surely a big enough red flag for you?

What are you wanting from this relationship?

He's clearly after sex. So if you're wanting a proper relationship I'd run a mile because he's making it clear he's not interested in dates, just trying to get you into bed. If he wanted a proper relationship he'd be asking you out.

If he's deleting your comments on social media he probably has a girlfriend already and doesn't want her to see.

Men don't spoon their female friends, especially ones they haven't met in person! So if you're just looking for friendship I'd run a mile too. Otherwise you'll only get hurt when he ghosts you after he eventually realises you're never going to shag him.

On the other hand, if all you want is a fuck buddy, he appears to be up for that.

I wouldn't call it grooming. It's just a man trying to get sex, they do shit like this. Try to make out they're all sensitive and not just after sex even when they are. Just because you've got health issues doesn't make everyone a groomer. What are men supposed to do except flirt and drop hints? Hardly going to write you a letter about their life history and apply with their CV are they?! 🤷

I'd be put off by the roadman comment regardless of whatever capacity you might be interested in him though. It might be a joke by his friend and he could have just liked the comment to acknowledge the happy birthday part, but it's odd. It's not the sort of thing decent people call each other, I don't think, so it would put me off. I only like decent people, the other kind comes with too much drama in their lives and if it's not them having issues it's one of their friends. Life's too short for that nonsense.

“He lives with his mum.”

OP, I assume he’s your age if you were at school together. It’s a red flag that he still lives at home - what sort of self-respecting young man who apparently has a job is still living with Mummy in his thirties? I’d be very wary, OP, because that’s far from the only red flag. He knows you’re vulnerable and is preying on your innocence - talking about spooning and saying “you’re the one” when this online relationship is barely a month old is too much too soon.

Yes. This would have me running for the hills. Together with the fact that he supposedly thinks so much of you but deleted your comment. And also the fact that he lives with his mum which is very unusual and would make me wonder - does he have no money because he spends it on drugs?

You’re isolated because of your health, and you’ve fallen in with this man because you don’t have anyone else.

Trust your mum. There are plenty of other men in the world. And there are several red flags in what you’ve told us.

Focus on yourself and getting as much independence as you can. Speak to your doctor about what’s safe for you, get support from a disability charity, get on with education and work (as much as you are able). Build a social life of in-person, non romantic friends. Then you will meet and have a choice of dating lots of people, and a stable foundation from which to explore new relationships.

I'd ignore your mum you need to live your life and deal with these men on your own so you find your own way

If you need friends join some hobby groups in person so you are re socialising yourself

Presume he wants to have sex with you then string you on into a situationship

If he wanted to date properly he'd be asking you out properly
You are using him for comfort/boredom/a crutch as you're in the habit of talking online all day. Perhaps cut it down
Either meet him to see what the vibe is like or cut him loose
He has stated his intentions so you need to think about the next move as otherwise you're wasting your life talking all day to a man you won't meet, it's dumb

Re the road man comment, does he dress or talk like one? Whys he still live with mum
All seems a bit childish

This. I don't think he's after a proper relationship or he would just have asked you out.

But you are 31. Why is your mum.still vetting your activities? How are you supposed to get any life experience if she won't let you?

Roadman = drug dealer / gang member. Don’t think it has anything to do with sleeping around.

The comment is probably a joke though.

I have never heard the phrase before. Thanks for that explanation.

Well he clearly isn't interested in just being friends - he wants a sexual relationship. Friends don't talk about spooning with each other.

Appreciate you know him from school, but at 31 school was a very long time ago, so he is essentially a stranger.

People can be very different online to real life, and its very easy to hide things when the relationship is just online.

Perhaps your mum is worried if you meet up with him, you would be easily pressured into doing something you might not be comfortable with.

For example, meeting him for a walk sounds innocent. But his intentions may be that it wouldn't just be a walk. He might then invite you back to his house, to 'play games' - and then try to get sexual with you. Would you be able to deal with this / set boundaries if this is something you didn't want?

In the interest of speed, I'll bullet point

1. Talking all day every day, is love bombing. It's not healthy. Google love bombing. Also ask yourself how he has this much free time for someone he's never met. I know you could argue "well I do too" but honey, it's not healthy. It fosters a sense of false intimacy and makes it harder to call things off if you meet and don't actually like him much.
2. He has no interest in being your friend. He is looking either to sleep with you or for a relationship of dome sort, which may not necessarily the kind you want.
3. Deleting your commets on his page implies he has either a girlfriend or is seeing other women he doesn't want yo see your posts. (If it's true what pp said about roadmen meaning player, that would check out). Normal people wouldn't delete your comments for no reason.
4. Him talking about you going over to his house and spooning when he has never met you, again implies he is looking for sex.

I do not know if its fair to say he is grooming you. I also don't see the harm meeting him so long as it's in a public place. But not for a walk round the block. No where near either of your homes. Tell him he can take you out to lunch. Players don't like being seen socialising outside with other women so meet publicly lots if you keep seeing him.

I think your mum is right about him being a red flag but you need to find out for yourself. Do not sleep with him for a long time.

And read up on how to spot abusers. Continuously throughout your life. As that's useful knowledge to have.

This guy clearly thinks this is the start of a romantic/ sexual relationship. You seem less interested in that.

It also seems very intense. Like he is trying to wear you down/ love bomb you into something you are less enthusiastic about.

Hm, this is a tough one.

Is your mum usually someone who looks out for you without babying you and whose judgement you trust? If so I think you should listen to her.

If she has a tendency to be a bit controlling and overprotective, and you trust your own judgement more than hers, that would be a different story.