My mum thinks my new friend is a "red flag". is she right?

Op did go to school with him

It’s only a red flag if all this is online and you’ve never actually met him and never see him in person.

This all sounds too intense for the early days of a new friendship/ possible relationship, but I think the biggest red flag is the combination of flirting along with saying you look 18/19. Maybe you do, but it suggests to me that he's attracted to you because you seem young and potentially vulnerable.

You're not going to gain life experience without engaging in life. Assuming that your mum is mentally well (not narcissistic, selfish and controlling as a personality) then she wants the best for you and wants to protect you from emotional pain. That's normal, and she's probably feeling it all the more because you've been through the mill with your health. But we only learn about ourselves and relationships by having them and making our own mistakes. I don't think he's grooming you. I also don't think it sounds like the start of a long term relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to end it before it's begun. Ask your mum to give you her thoughts on specificly and exactly what she sees are issues, listen carefully, and carry on as you wish with your eyes wide open to the fact she might be right so you can protect yourself but also learn yourself.

My advice to you is to enjoy this relationship to exactly the extent that you want to. With a few warnings and caveats...
He wants sex/a romantic relationship with you

It doesn't sound like you're the only one

The extent of the messaging between you is intense. Why not reduce that and free up some of your time fir something else - a hobby or group where meet other people

Do not allow yourself to be isolated from your mum or friends in this or any other future relationship.

I was going to post this. It also seems that he’s deleted your comment on his social media account so his other friends wouldn’t be able to see it.

I feel your Mum is wise and trying to keep you safe. Continue the friendship by all means but this man isn’t good news for you!

OP what is your health status now? Are you well enough to be in a relationship, live independently or work?

It would be sensible to focus on establishing whatever degree of independent living is possible first before thinking about relationships. First things first, one step at a time.

He definitely wants sex. It doesn't seem to be a relationship he is interested in with you or he would have asked you on a date.

Your mum is probably being overprotective but it sounds like you've been through a lot and I'm sorry to hear that.
Read up on how to spot an abuser/ predator, they always have scripts and I agree this guy is throwing up red flags.
Take care

As an adult you can have relationships that your knowingly go into, it doesn’t mean you are being groomed if you choose to pursue but realise it’s unlikely to be a long term commitment, that’s why your mum worries. Be very careful if you do proceed re protecting yourself

He is as others have said pursuing you for sex and probably isn’t serious about you. The constant messaging is a sign of someone who is immature and a bit childish (and probably with a phone addiction).

This all sounds fairly standard dating behaviour and something people do routinely nowadays. If you were in another situation I would say go with it and just have your wits about you.

But you do sound vulnerable and inexperienced. Its hard to know if your mum infantilises you on purpose or if she is genuinely concerned you are being groomed. Only you can know that. I would be careful with this bloke though. At best he sounds shallow and unserious. He’s not looking for a genuine relationship. If that’s what you want thats fine but I sense you want more than that.

He’s trying to have a relationship with you, you are a grown adult and that’s what adults tend to do. He doesn’t “like” your posts because he’s not an insecure teenager or celebrity and has a job. I have no idea about this guy and have heard the term “roadman” as a negative as it can be connected to drugs but sometimes it’s more indicative of hanging out on the streets dressed to a certain style and into certain music using a lot of the slang of that culture.

grown adults messaging endlessly isn’t the norm, we meet up, go out and yes more.

Roadman does not mean dealer or gang member, it’s just London/urban street culture. He reckon OP peng ting innit bruv, man’s fryin her line.

Yes this guy sounds like a walking red flag but then so does your Mum.
I would prioritise seeking more independence (if your health permits that).
Are you in a position to move out so that your Mum isn’t quite so involved in everything?
If you want to persue a bit of fun with this guy then it’s totally reasonable for you to be able to do that without your Mum being “horrified”.
Saying that, I think most of us who have been through the wringer a few times recognise from your description of him that this guy is not relationship material.
But if you just want a bit of fun and can do that without getting emotionally involved/hurt then go for it, live a little!

It sounds like he may be a bit of a player. He wants a sexual relationship with you and it's possible (although not definite) that it will be a short term thing for him rather than developing into something serious. Your mum is trying to protect you from getting hurt if he dumps you in future.

However, that doesn't make him a groomer or abuser. Maybe you wouldn't mind a fling? Not every man has to be "the one". It's up to you really whether that would bother you.

This is not a friendship. He is pursuing you for sex. You do sound vulnerable and I think you should step back from this. Do you have any genetic condition that is related to your heart troubles? What heart problem is it?

I’m going to make a HUGE assumption here on your life that may not be true… but is your mum babying you and that, alongside your medical history is the reason you feel behind? I understand she is protective of you, as you sound like you’ve gone through a lot. But stopping you at 31 years old doing what you want I think is over the top? Could your mum be potentially holding you back? My friend is 32 and her mum babies her a lot - she’s never had a relationship and is very inexperienced in life and I feel her parents are a big reason why.

I think the guy wants to be a lot more than friends, wether his intentions are relationship or just casual he is definitely not wanting to be just a mate.

I think the OP sounds hugely vulnerable — lives with her mother, seems very enmeshed with her, doesn’t work, has significant health problems, admits herself that she’s naive and lacking in life experience.

This ^^

Well if you do want a relationship with him then it sounds like be wants that too, if you don't then I would back away a bit from him as he clearly wants one.
Noyhing in his messages is odd for an adult relationship or sounds predatory, but it does sound very much like he wants to the relationship to progress.
Are you ready to have an adult relationship? If you are still unwell to the point where you still need your mum to make decisions for you then potentially you might need to take it very slowly, if he is willing to wait for you then he sounds like he could be very genuine.
Have you seen 50 first dates? Its thr Adam Sandler movie about the girl with memory issues and the guy helps her every day. The dad of the girl is very against it until the guy lroves himself. Maybe watch it with your mum and have a conversation after, it mught prompt her to think about how she feels and how she will cope with you becoming more independant.

Be careful @Nachochilli. He’s a boundary pusher.

He hasn’t been forthright enough to ask you out. He’s sexualising comments, being inappropriate in a way that wears down your defences. He should either respect the friendship or ask you out, but he’s pushing at the boundaries.

Which tells you that he won’t respect your boundaries. Whether it’s fair to call this grooming (which is a term usually used for older predatory men and younger women/girls), it is a pattern of behaviour used to groom. I think your dm is bang on the money here.

What's the harm in meeting him so long as you do it safely in a public place during the day etc.

I get your mum is looking out for you but you're 31 fgs and need to take a chance now and again.

If he's a player - I don't think he is actually - Roadman is just a nickname where I live - people use it just for banter.

Meet up with him - keep an open mind. You never know !

Good luck x

It’s difficult. You don’t gain life experience by hiding away from all the problems. But I don’t know if he is an abusive man or not.

My 21-year-old son and his friends occasionally tease each other using the word ‘roadman’. They are the opposite of roadmen in real life, it is just part of their banter. So it may be the same for this man, who knows.

Ps. Where I live, a roadman is a wide boy, flirt, likes to think he’s the Big G etc. it doesn’t necessarily mean he is up to criminal activity! I think the real problem here is that you don’t seem to trust your own judgement. But then your mum interfering when you are 31 cannot be helping that. Enjoy and good luck.

Absolutely this!!!

I can’t see much that gives red flags, that OP doesn’t.

They went school together, so he’s real.
Yes he messages a lot but then so does OP.
The conversation is flirty and he obviously wants sex - but that’s not a red flag, that’s literally normal dating.

I’m confused as to how OP is so ‘vulnerable’.
I’m guessing she has been babied a little, which probably makes her a bit naive but at 31 she’s still going to be cognitively an adult, even a young one.

If she was early 20s and immature, then I’d understand the vulnerability side of things as she’d be acting like a teen.
But at 31 with no additional needs, I wouldn’t really class her as vulnerable. She just acts younger than her age.

It does read like they’re 2 teenagers but he works and has friends etc and so I don’t think he’s that much of a concern.

This madness, he is not grooming you, he is flirting with you. And you are 31. This is okay (if you want it!!!) unless you have a learning disability and have a younger mental age, or do not have capacity to consent to sex, I genuinely do not see what the problem is. And why is your mum dictating what you do and who you see when you are 31? If you are enjoying the flirting, go with it.