My mum thinks my new friend is a "red flag". is she right?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5533266-worried-my-brother-will-become-my-responsibility-if-mum-cannot-cope?reply=152570585

Do you think that this could be you in a few years?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5533266-worried-my-brother-will-become-my-responsibility-if-mum-cannot-cope?reply=152570585

Do you think that this could be you in a few years?

Or the mother is the red flag, wanting to keep her daughter close for whatever reason.

Some parents don't cope well with the empty nest phase, some parents want their child to become their old age carer, some parents never built themselves a life and made their child their entire world then don't want to let them go off to live their own life. As part of that, keeping their child infantilised, overly sheltered and naïve, having the child believe they'd never cope living alone and can't make adult decisions all by themselves etc. It's not necessarily about being a caring parent, it can be about having control and power over their adult child.

The OP is in her 30s and is running basic life decisions by her mother as if she has no say in her own life, which appears to be the case when she's allowing her mother to tell her she can/can't do xyz.

I don't think OP should meet this man because I don't think she's wanting casual sex which is all he's offering.

But it's concerning that OP thinks her mother can forbid her to meet someone and points towards her mother having an unhealthy level of control over OPs life and OP being unhealthily enmeshed with her mother.

I have friends who had no idea what their kids meant when they said 'roadman'. Lack of familiarity with modern slang doesn't mean naivety.

OP it doesn't sound like you have a learning disability, so while I understand you may be medically vulnerable, and your mum's urge to protect you, you are a fully independent person in your own right and can male your own decisions.

What are you worried about specifically? If it's that you might get your heart broken, then yes that is a potential with any relationship. But with the roadman thing, are you worried he's involved in crime? If you find out he is, you can end it. You can end it for any reason at any time. Are you worried you might be vulnerable to being drawn into crime or exploited financially? Is there any red flags specific to those concerns?

When someone thinks a Roadman works on roads I think your mother is terrified of letting you out in the world .

She wants to let you go but can see how naive you are and you still need that guidance over what should be blatant red flags

Excellent Advice

I agree with this, I had the same feeling. Your mum is acting like you're a vulnerable adult, incapable of making your own decisions and at risk from everyone, it's weird. You say you "feel 21" OP but this doesn't mean anything. Most 21 year olds are more than capable of navigating romantic relationships all by themselves without parents input. Also some of us still "feel 21" when we're 50, just with a little more maturity. People don't always drastically change and feel different from one era of life to another.

You've got a bit of brain fog, so have many people with health issues or menopause, it doesn't make you incapable of adulting. Being infantilised by your mother will though. It's true that you don't actually grow up properly until you move out of the parents home IMO. Which is another reason not to consider him as a prospective life partner. If he wanted to live like an adult he'd, well, live like an adult. Not having his friends call him "roadman" like he's a teenager and living with his mum!

You're shielded and protected from the realities of life to some extent until you actually live independently. Don't move in with this guy though that would be a disaster. Find a house share, put your name down for social housing, or just look for a private rental (I'm assuming you're not in a position to buy at the moment). Start living your life as the adult that you are and you'll gain confidence in navigating social situations.

' I went to school with'

do you actually know him tho ?

which school - Primary or Secondary

what age were you
what age was he

Well quite.

I see nothing wrong with meeting him, especially somewhere public like a park.

Don't go to his or invite him to yours.

Do you live with your mum?
Do you work?

Trying to understand how limited you are by your health/being behind.

Someone at 21 would be meeting people in person. Especially someone they've known from school and not a random off an app.

I agree with @BauhausOfEliott

I agree with this.
I don't think it's abnormal for a man to be pursuing sex or a relationship. He has presumably spent his 20's and earlier life being in relationships. He's most likely got more experience. This is something that many of us in our 30's and older are used to and have dealt with and learnt from. It's definitely how it works. It's for you to ascertain what he wants from you and if it matches your expectation.
You need to go into it with your eyes wide open. I'd love to meet a man who is interested in me for me, and I'm extremely wary of men who are intensely flirty or suggestive from the get go, because I do not want to have sex and that be it. It's not for me, but in my 20's I was flattered and got my life experience by coming across such men and realising their intentions and whether it matches with what I am looking for.
There is also nothing wrong with having a casual relationship and with someone who wants just sex, if that is ok with you. It's all about thinking about the end goal and whether he can deliver.
The comment on Facebook may or may not be a red flag. The only way you will ever know is by finding out for yourself. But equally being aware that if you are very vulnerable, that you need to be able to spot red flags quickly and be prepared to cut him off if things that are alarming come to light. It's good to be cautious, but you learn from these experiences.
You have been very poorly, and your mother is probably protective. However, you must make your own decisions. It is not right for her to make your choices for you or forbid you to go for walks. That is controlling and you will not get a relationship if this is the case.
I wonder if you could join a club or something that gets you out of the house, and meet people that way. You need exposure and experience to find people and weed out the good from the not so good. It's hard to find good guys and many of us have kissed frogs before.
I hope this makes sense.

“urban subculture tied to the streets, music ie grime & drill, fashion, language ie MLE”

That would cover about 80% of the kids in DS’s school (and a lot of the parents) - they definitely are not all roadmen! 🤣

Your mum is 100% right that he is trouble.

but she is overstepping to say you can't see him.

He wants to have sex with you. It sounds as if you are vulnerable and your mum is protecting you.

He sounds like the sort of guy who is playing a few women off simultaneously and doesn’t want any of them to find out. My friend was dating a guy like this once when we were younger. She naively thought they were exclusively dating until she accidentally gave him a love bite and he went spare, evidently
worried his other women would see and realise!!

He doesn’t want to be your friend, he is after more so it depends how comfortable you are with that.

It's obvious to you that he is pursuing her for sex but I don't think it is obvious to op. If she is happy to be pursued for sex then of course that is absolutely fine so long as she knows that is what is happening, but calling it a friendship suggests that she may not realise. Also not everyone is into dating and casual sex and a see what happens attitude.

Yes that is true but it is op who keeps describing it as a friendship and so may not realise that it isn't a friendship for him, especially if she is vulnerable and naive. It's important to understand that what is in his mind is not the same as what is in her mind. The fact that op describes it as a friendship suggests to me that she doesn't understand that it isn't.

I'm pretty sure you've posted about this before under a different user name?

It's impossible to say whether your mum is controlling you or whether you are simply extremely vulnerable.

You do sound extremely immature. You say you feel more like 21 than 31 but you sound a lot younger than 21, to be honest. If you hadn't mentioned your age I would have assumed you were around 15.

OP, I'm assuming that as you went to school with him, you will know some others that know him better? Can you sound them out to find out a bit more about him? Also, maybe ask yourself if you're actually interested in him or just happy to get some attention? I do think that you are a bit vulnerable- there is a certain type of man who is really good at spotting people who they think will be flattered by the attention. Why not ask him why your comment on social media disappeared? His reaction might be quite telling - I suspect he won't like you standing up for yourself.

I'm also with your mum to a degree.

I would also share her concerns given what you've said, OP, but you are also an adult and sp she can't forbid you to see someone.

Unless she has a history of controlling you or treating you like a child, I would take note of what she is saying and proceed with caution.

Basically, it's not uncommon when someone has experienced serious health issues (even as an adult) for a parent to feel over protective well into adulthood because the parent has worried so much and for so long. But you are also entitled to a relationship and an adult life.

However, your description of yourself (in terms of being younger than your years as a result) does add an extra layer of vulnerability - which you recognise yourself.

The friendship, the gaming online together, the chatting - all of that is fine. The parts that would concern me are the comments about spooning and being 'the one'. The odd online behaviour is, well, odd. People will say it's only SM and that's not important. SM is not important in and off itself but it's quite often a barometer for a person's character especially when their online interactions are incongruous with what they are saying in person.

We know some men are particularly attracted to vulnerable women so it's pointless to pretend this man definitely isn't one of them.

Best case scenario (if you ignore the red flags), he just wants to be your friend or is hoping for a relationship with you eventually. Worst case scenario (if you include the red flags), he doesn't have good intentions. He has targeted a vulnerable woman and is hiding that fact publicly (on SM) because he doesn't want other people to see that he is doing so.

@Jellox

Don’t be silly.

People call their mates road man as banter all of the time, as posters have said.

A road man is not much different to what we used to call a chav. It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person or anything.

Exactly.

He fancies you and wants a relationship, and you are quite interested in that. This isn't grooming unless you have some kind of quite serious learning or cognitive problem that means you are unable to consent to sex. Having been ill and a bit behind your peer group is not the same thing.
If the problem is that your mum doesn't like the sound of a potential boyfriend, then tough - you are the one to decide whether to go ahead or not.

Don’t be silly.

People call their mates road man as banter all of the time, as posters have said.

A road man is not much different to what we used to call a chav.
It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person or anything.

This guy works and hasn’t said anything disrespectful so far.
OP has not said that he’s been sending her dick pics or asking her for pics etc or saying anything other than harmless flirting.