If I die, your dad would just drink himself to death

Why shouldn't she have said it?
I think you, as an adult, are a bit unreasonable to suggest this was dome kind of inconsiderate transgression. Your poor DM, having to manage your DF's drinking, and looking at a future where she might not be around to mitigate the circumstances. You're a grown up, she's done raising you and is perhaps looking to include you in a bit of forward planning, if not directly for support.
Be kind to your DM and embrace her sharing. If she's testing the waters for reaching out for a bit of support from her adult child, you don't want to be the one pouting and complaining that she's inconsiderate and that you DF ought not to want to drink because of you and DC. It comes across as if you think they still owe you the kind of parenting we normally reserve for much younger, more dependent people.

I agree with others that you are getting a bit ahead of yourself, however, it is a fundamental misunderstanding of addiction to think people drink themselves to death out of selfishness. My dad drank himself to death because he was an addict, he was an addict for many reasons, which I won’t bore you with. There but for the grace of god go I, as they say. I understand the instinct to be angry but it’s misplaced imo.

Hang on, he hasn't done that yet, but you are already angry with him because of what your mum said. Perhaps he would not be able to put you and your DC first after losing his lifelong partner and companion; another way of looking at it is that he wouldn't be able to save himself, let alone anyone else. It's very sad.

She knows him better than you do.🤷 And statistically she should outlive him anyway

My dad said he going to overdose if my mum dies first. As awful as it sounds i think it would be for the best.

hate to say it but mine did exactly that. He had always drunk a fair amount but when mum died it got a lot worse. He died 2 years later.

Mum and Dad separated.

Mum smoked herself to death, Dad drank himself to death. Dead with 18 months of each other despite being in different countries.

Op jlou post is spot on he will have to live day to day without his life partner where as you have your family .
I think drinking in older age is.a good time to take it up.
Old age isn't fun

My Mum, who was younger than my Dad, used to say that my Dad would never cope without her. Well she did die 1st & whilst my Dad was devastated, he did cope with the help of his children & grandchildren. We had two extra good years with my Dad, we got to know him better because our Mum wasn’t there to curate the conversation. My Mum was a fantastic person & I miss her so much but she did kind of dominate the room at times. I’d say enjoy your time with your parents now & deal with any issues when they arise.

"She shouldn't have said it - she probably was just having an internal dialogue that she absent mindedly shared"
She can share what she wants. She might be feeling the strain of being gatekeeper, as she ages. She might be sharing that his drinking is building.

That's a great saying - I will try to remember this as I can be a worrier. Xxx

I think your Mum needs a will. I've seen men latched onto by younger, addicted women and the family is cut out. I've seen people having to keep away because they can't have the grandchildren around the addiction. It's good that your Mum has brought it up, it can start other conversations. If their is family jewelry that she wants to go to any of you, it needs to be talked about or documented.

YABU. I know that if god forbid my mum went first my dad would be bereft, despite having four children and six grandchildren.

I think it's a different relationship. You have your family - your dh and your dcs and life revolves around them with occasional thoughts towards your parents. Assuming you do not live in their house and discuss every decision with them. It's not the same kind of intensity of relationship and you wouldn't want it to be - you wouldn't want your father to be as involved with your family as he is with your dear mother.
She shouldn't have said it - she probably was just having an internal dialogue that she absent mindedly shared. And it must be hurtful to feel you are not the centre of your Dad's world, your mother is and I think that's normal for a couple who have had a good relationship - their companionship is next level (what a lovely thing for them both) but you can't compete - and neither should you want to - you should want to be happy living your own life and have them happy to be living their own lives - not interfering with yours 24/7.
Enjoy your parents for the youth they have at the moment...both dh's mother and my mother are in their 90s, old, in pain and lonely without their lifelong companion - they want to die, we don't take that as an insult to us and our kids, that would be selfish of us.

That’s his choice then

My DF is drinking himself to death, and I do feel angry op. That the drink has been more important than his grandchildren for the last 20 years. But nothing we can do.

Phases of drinking more.
Still sounds to me like someone with a drinking problem.

It doesn't sound harsh at all.
Unfortunately grief often is selfish and people forget they're not the only ones going through it. That's why it's very important to try and have people around you who aren't grieving.

OP i am so sorry.

Try not to worry. You probably cannot change your mum or your dad now. They are living their way, it's their choice to some degree.

AND Unless your mum is ill or a lot older than your dad it is very likely your mum will outlive your dad.

I am sure your lids abd family are great, Spoiler focus on them. It does sound like your dad is an alcoholic and your mum has made peace with this.

My PIL will be the same. FIL is 20yrs older and not in great health. We pretty much know that in the very likely scenario he passes away first, my MIL will be very close behind him. She has been a functioning alcoholic for probably 30 years, and he definitely controls her drinking to the best of his ability.

It's crap because she has grandkids from 0 to 14, 5 kids, pets etc that she does love. However, i genuinely don't know how she'll function on a daily basis without him.

We don't dwell on it though. A marriage is just a different type of love when your kids are grown and have their own kids and lives.

You say he’s not an alcoholic. But if he needs another adult to control his drink intake then yes he is.

Well if he’s already a drinker he’s not likely to outlive your mum anyway. Try not to worry.

I recommend alanon for you and mum OP x