DD with friend’s family for 8 hours only ate crisps

@Z0rr0 I’m happy to be a generous person who likes to make food for their kid’s friends. I guess I’ll lower my expectations as far as others are concerned.

Sure, when they are 10yo that is ‘generous’ (aka to be expected). However, when they are 17yo, it’s not generous, it’s just odd. It’s not about lowering expectations, it’s about knowing what is normal for 17yo’s in this regard.

She’s 17yo. At 17yo mine were expected to sort their own lunch when/if they wanted it. If they had friends over then I expected they would sort their lunch together, I wouldn’t be doing it for 17yo’s.

Surely, if she was hungry she would have said to her friend ‘what are we doing about lunch’. And yes, I have one with ASD (noting not ‘a bit autistic’ as you either are or are not), and that doesn’t mean they are stupid. If a friend said to them ‘I’m hungry, what are they doing for lunch’, they would have taken the friend to the kitchen and shown them what we had. If they were at someone’s house and hungry, they would have asked their friend.

Not sure why you're making Such a big deal of this non issue. You're not willing to take on board any of the views that at 17, the young adult should be fending for themselves wnd
not waiting to be presented with a lunch

She should not order an Uber to a friends house unless it’s something the agree on together, that’s just weird. She should raise with her friend them having a sandwich or something.

It's not an issue of 'generosity' though as I'd be willing to bet those other parents had 'generously' ensured the bread bin had rolls or bread or wraps or something for the kids to use to make lunch, and I'd bet they'd made sure they had sandwich fillings in etc. The fridge was probably nicely stocked with lunch stuff like yoghurt, fruit, salad veg etc.

What you are framing as 'generosity' is actually just you holding your DD back and harming her independence by doing everything for her. ND or not she needs to build the skills to look after herself like having the confidence to be able to prepare really simple foods like a sandwich.

Why would she need to cook - can she not do basics like make a sandwich or toast? Most kids can do this at junior school age?

I left my 17 year old at home whilst we went on holiday for a week (his choice not to come), he would have literally died in that week if he had framed like this.

It sounds like the parents went out and just expected (perfectly reasonably) that the 17 year olds would sort themselves some lunch. Your DD should have said to her friend, are we having lunch or what?! She isn't a young child she needs to learn to speak up for herself.

@Z0rr0 The responses on here are predominantly from parents of nt offspring, pay them no heed , they have no comprehension of the situation for your daughter, ‘forgive them for they know not what they do’

If the parents don’t know your child is waiting for an autism assessment then they’re unlikely to think that at 117 she needs prompting to think about food at regular times or would struggle to advocate for herself in a strange environment.
this is a learning curve for you and your daughter where you can now start practicing appropriate interventions and perhaps plan a survival pack for similar situations in future, maybe some role play around planning for food breaks with friends prior to the activity , or getting food In beforehand or taking her own emergency food such as protein bars and a drink in her bag.
its an awkward age for kids who might have extra needs, they want to fit in and conform and not be seen to be making any kind of fuss, but this can be to their extreme detriment if they don’t learn how to prepare or feel able stick their neck out in these situations where maybe their friend also doesn’t think laterally about things like mealtimes.

I was expecting this post to be about a five year old. The parents would have assumed the “kids” would sort themselves out.

Very misleading OP, I also assumed we were talking about a young child on a play date, not offering a 7 year old any food all day would be out of order. But 17?! I have a 16 & 18 year old and either they offer their friends food and get it for them themselves or they go out.

Well, that's more or less what I said. Even the National Autism Society discusses 'mild autism', and it's distressing for family members of severely autistic people when people DON'T make the distinction between those who are mildly, or a 'bit' autistic and those who need 24/7 csre, sometimes residential.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism#The%20spectrum

If food is bit spicy is a it's still spicy but not severely spicy.

I don't even involve myself in my 13 year old hosting friends, he is more than capable of sorting lunch for his mates. When he was a bit younger I'd check in on ideas and make sure he knew the options but these days he knows as well as me what food we have in (well better idea really because the elderly greek neighbour always waylays him to give him food from their families shop).

You expected the parents to make lunch? 🤣🤣🤣 They aren't five year olds on a play date.

This. I know with my DD when she has friends to visit, I have to remind her to offer them snacks and drinks. She isn't a big eater and offering food to other people doesn't seem to be on her radar. 🙄

If my 17 year old has friends over she will make them stuff, it’s only a pizza or noodles or a sandwich. The parents probably thought they had fed themselves while they were out , but obviously their child was too lazy to make something so offered snacks instead . 17 🤣🤣🤣

You have guests and you offer food. Pretty basic, really. 🤷‍♀️

Im such a foodie and like to feed people. I would have been mortified if she was at mine and only ate crisps. However I would have also expected my own child to make them food as the host. This could be the problem, if the teenager couldn’t be bothered and the parents assumed they would sort it between themselves

Dd is 16. I would always offer something if she had friends round.

Toast, the answer is always toast!! ( and nutella)

I have seen so many posts infantilising 16+ year olds on here lately and find it so confusing.

I turned 16 in 2013 so appreciate it was a few years ago now but I was working weekends at that age and going to college where I had to sort my own lunch every day, shock horror! My 14 year old nephew also just got his first job working in a cafe and I hope by 17 will be able to sort out lunch for himself without relying on a friends parents all day.

I don't think I even met the parents of most of my friends throughout secondary school let alone had our lunch organised by them, dinner yes but they would have usually been at work or out themselves in the day, not home to supervise us. To be honest if they were at home, we would have probably taken ourselves out!

*there

So now we have men and 17 year olds who are incapable of feeding themselves without the matriarch being their to hold their spoon.

She’s 17?? No wonder people are going off to uni at 18 with no life skills. My mum didn’t know where I was in the day at that age, let alone if I’d eaten or not, it was assumed I would sort myself out if I wasn’t around the house (it was the same with my friends and this was only 10 years ago).