DD with friend’s family for 8 hours only ate crisps

I’m imagining that scene in the film Mean girls where the Mom inserts herself in the bedroom with the teen girls saying I’m not a regular mom I’m a cool mom and wants to talk about boys.
Mine would have been mortified if I’d been knocking on the door saying do you and Katie want drink or shouting upstairs time for lunch now girls. They are 17.

Me neither, but this girl was a guest of the DD, the parents weren't there all day. In that case I'd expect my DD and her friend to sort tjemselves out.

THIS!

Don't be a helicopter parent

Also, in the heat, many people don't eat much !

Please don’t, the commenters up in arms about how guests should “source their own food” or “sort themselves” are grim and definitely not what the world needs more of! I can’t imagine not offering a guest something to eat if they were in my home all day, regardless of their age. The family is weird, you are being completely reasonable!

If she is autistic (can’t be just a bit autistic) one of the traits is alexythemia - not recognising your one body signals for things like being hungry, thirsty, hot, cold and also emotions. As a parent of an autistic teen I have to remind her to eat frequently. So I’m guessing OP’s teen might need reminding to eat if not eating to a schedule like in school or with family.

My 13 year old has friends round and I offer food and remind her to offer food and sometimes they pop out and buy from local shop.

No they can't. That's a terrible way to live, all day on crisps, then big early dinner. Not healthy, not nice

I don't know. I remember going to friends houses at that age and I wasn't offered lunch

Your parents would have been furious if you were hungry and asked for some toast or banana? Really? That feels like such a massive overreaction to me.

Yeah. I thought the 'child' was 7, not 17.
17 is a young adult, not a child.

I think this is a bit weird. When my daughter has friends over during a meal time. I always check what they are doing for food even if they are sorting it out for themselves.

I am younger than Gen X and my parents would have been furious if I had have asked for food at a friend's house as a child! Terribly rude. Some of my friends did that at my house and were harshly come down upon, as a child it had been drilled into me how terribly rude it was, that I found it shocking at the time.
It might not be the case so much now but I absolutely wouldn't dream of it. At 17 though, I was earning and would either just eat once home or buy something myself.

At 17 I think it was on you to make sure she had £ to buy food in this situation OP (I am making the assumption that you support her, it doesn't seem she earns)? I would've sent her to the event with a tenner to grab a sandwich or something.

It’s not healthy or sustainable though. And definitely shouldn’t be encouraged or normalised.

A toasted muffin and some crisps (what OP described) isn’t healthy or nutritious. Something like that can can cause energy crash outs and dips in blood sugars.

Yes, it would be helpful to have different names, I think. Again, you've more or less agreed with what I've said. Can't see anywhere I've dismissed mild autism

I’m also boggled. The parents weren’t hosting the girl. The person issuing the invitation was the 17 yr old friend. Up to her to offer her friend some lunch or arrange something between them.
It’s absolutely nothing to do with the parents who sound like they just cracked on with their day and went out (as you can do when your child is 17 not 7)
If I invite my friend round of course I’d offer food and drink.
By end of yr12 they make their own arrangements. Mum is it ok if I invite Jane over on Sunday. Yes. They then sort themselves out eg may go out or may make something. I always had food in freezer (quorn nuggets and fries) If she asked specifically I might put ingredients on my shopping eg she might say me and Grace fancy Caesar salad on Sunday could you get some chicken please.
What I wouldn’t do is take it upon myself to insert myself in DD’s business. Calling them to come down and have lunch with me sat there dishing up food my dd would have been mortified. I had a very open house and got on well with DD’s friends (one calls me her second mum) but at end of day they aren’t my friends and deserve to be allowed to spend time together as they please. Fast forward a year and they’ll be seeing each other at their respective universities and sort their own food out.

Tbf most adults can cope with breakfast, some crisps during the day and a big early dinner

If your daughter was at my house I absolutely would have offered her some lunch, snacks on tap and drinks!

But this is Mumsnet, where I’ve learnt that competitive undereating is very much a “thing”, where people don’t bother with breakfast or lunch and can go all day without eating.

Sadly, I think your daughter was at the house of this type of family.

At 17 I was working, driving and had been cooking most own meals. She could have ordered take out or suggested it to her friend if she was hungry. 17 is fully old enough to sort yourself out or at least speak up and make suggestions. If she can't do this then I think that's your fault for doing everything for her so she hasn't learnt these skills yet

Why are people struggling with this. If I invited friends round I would offer them food and drink of course. If my teenage children invited friends round (so my children are hosting) my children would offer food and drink. What people are laughing at is the idea that the friends parents should have provided food. The dd and her friend are adults and should have sorted themselves out. No decent parent would be checking in on their 17 year old! That would be embarrassing for everyone. Decent parents would have raised their children to be independent enough to deal with this themselves. My mind is well and truly boggled at the idea of wanting this much involvement with a 17 year olds arrangements with their friends.

When I offer my daughters friends (also 17), a sandwich or something for lunch- they just cringe and say they are going to go to our local co op for a Meal deal, or just want crisps or chocolate? So no 8hrs wouldn’t surprise me with no lunch, just feed when home! X

BUT I must add that’s bang out of order not to offer food but at 17 I doubt there will be lasting damage.

17!!!! At first I sympathised because I imagined a hungry little 7 year old. Now I’m laughing my head off. Ridiculous that you have posted this.

As someone from a culture where people tend to be chronic feeders, I can never get this idea of extending hospitality and not making feeding your guests a priority. Friends were coming to my house having big hot meals, as well as snacks, and even their parents were offered food at pickup. Same with my friends from similar cultures. But it's not a priority for everyone and I have learned to gage when I need to eat first for certain invites and I ain't been wrong!

You're not alone OP. If i had a group of friends over, I would never dream of not offering food and drink?

It seems exceptionally strange to invite anyone over amd not offer anything, even something basic like cheese amd crackers or fruit, to eat.

Her friend's family are tight and rude.

You are not weird.

MN is a vipers nest.

Did the parents even know they were "hosting" a guest? Or was your DD just there because she was doing something with her friend?

The weird drip feed about your DD's age suggests you knew that her being 17 would significantly shift people's opinions. I think the biggest issue here is your DD's lack of independence (which, from what you've said, is probably because you seem to think she needs cared for in the same was as a 7yo).

If my 17yo's friend was in the house and I was cooking, I'd offer them something. If I was carrying on with my day and had my own plans, I wouldn't be going out of my way to 'host' a 17yo who happened to have been in my house, on the basis if my own 17yo can fend for himself with access to my fridge then so can the visiting one

I would expect my own 17 and 18 year olds to sort out their own lunch from what is in the fridge/kitchen, and make something for their friend at the same time. It probably wouldn't occur to me to make them something special if we weren't spending the day with them.

At 7 or 8 years old I would definitely have fed them.