DD with friend’s family for 8 hours only ate crisps

That seems reasonable.

I meant the friends along with my DS. I would expect DS to be helping himself to food too and telling them where things are or making something together. My DS knows well enough that if we’ve said his mates are welcome to come round to our house then that means they are welcome to treat our home like their home while they are here. But that also means I’m not ‘hosting’!

Oh @Z0rr0, I’m finding all these comments really passive aggressive and I don’t know why. I think it’s because you are doubling down on your position when the comments have shown that there is a tonne of nuance and misunderstanding, and mismatched expectations. Nobody is right or wrong here, and I’m finding your comments really jarring.

As others have said better than I can, there is a broad societal expectation that 17-year-olds are more self-sufficient than your DD seems to be. We can’t mind read, so we don’t know what her friend’s parents were thinking, but I think it’s a logical deduction that they might also have assumed this, and we also don’t know what they said to the friend before they went out. They might have been explicit and said ‘make sure you feed her’. We just don’t know.

And like others have said, some parents feel that offering food to their kids’ guests would be akin to babying them or undermining them. Some don’t feel like that. I don’t think either of those things are unreasonable, I just think that different families have different expectations.

What I do think is unreasonable is being passive aggressive in replies. You have posted in AIBU, a thread with lots of traffic and lots of opinions. When you post on here (and I have), you need to get ready for loads of people to see things differently. Chiming in with weird posts that basically infer ‘well, I guess SOME people don’t have manners’ doesn’t really solve the problem.

Then change the word "Host" to whatever you say in Britain. The same way I changed "mate" to "friend" or "buddy". Where I live, a mate would be a shipmate.

This reminded me of when I first got with my partner and we visited his sister and her husbands family, they cooked and served and not offered us this happened more than once, which made me realise some people are just like that. I'm African and growing up I was taught a visitor is a GOD rather I the host not eat but must make to offer the visitor food.
Next time send her with her pack lunch or pocket money to grab something for herself to avoid such situations

I wouldn't teach my children to sit meekly and not eat instead of talking to their friend. It's not a healthy mindset and won't get you anywhere in life.
Meek 'guessers' who can't communicate what they want just annoy people.
Shy bairns get nowt.
If my 17 year old came home saying they'd only had crisps all day because they didn't want to tell their friend they were hungry I'd tell them it's a lesson learned in speaking up.

Only on MN have I seen this concept of ‘hosting’. Is it not just having a mate round?

The friend is the host and the OP's daughter is the guest. A 17-year-old should have some concept of being a host and looking after their guest by offering something to eat. I am not sure why it is up to the guest to ask for food.

You can’t track her food at 17! She surely had money to go to the shop if she wanted! It sounded like she was on a play date the way you said you were grateful the parents had her.

Well this you need to work on

My teens are younger than 17 and I generally leave them to sort their own lunch, friends here or not. There is plenty of food in the fridge, cupboard and freezer for them to make themselves something. It would not surprise me in the least if they only helped themselves to crisps, as lazy teens tend to do.

Yes I would expect 17 year old friends to talk to each other and sort out food between them.
If the DD isn't confident enough to express her needs to her friends then that is good for the parents to know and work on with her before she leaves home.

Uber eats. Or any of the other food deliveryapps

Eh? She’s hardly a kid, though, is she?

I think shes not being truthful. My son normally says this when asked what did you eat? Kids hate that question for some reason. I’ve heard that afterschool club didnt feed them anything as soon as I say let me call so and so to check they tell me about the picnic!

"They don’t live near shops / food places so no opportunity to pop out and get something".

You expect the DD to say "I am hungry, what have to got to eat"? No, it is up to the friend to offer. DD is a guest and may feel awkward asking for food. I would.

Or the 17 year old needs to say to her 17 year old friend what shall we do for lunch? Are you hungry? I'm going to go to the shop etc.

Yes, her friend dropped the ball there (not the parents, she wasn’t their guest). If the DD had spoken up, she probably would have been told what was available. It would be very unusual for the answer to be “sorry, we’re not allowed to take any food unless my parents serve it to us”.

As soon as mine were old enough to drive "making lunch" went out the window and they and friends would drive to town for Subways, salads, pizza or sushi. Although DD1 (ASD/ADHD) and her best friend used to prepare various things - crisp sandwiches, pancakes - or during their Dr Who phase - fish finger and custard sandwiches!

I agree but the DD needs to be told she is free to help herself to anything in the refrigerator or cupboard.

The vast majority of people would. It is the norm for older teenagers to have access to food, and to be allowed to prepare it.

Not everyone would allow that though

‘Mild’ yes

’A bit’ no

But the friend's parents went out. They probably assumed their own DD had offered something. We don't even know whether the 17 year olds were happy to just eat crisps as OP hasn't answered the question of whether her dd was upset or not.

I can't understand that a 17 year old wouldn't have a "what are we doing for lunch?" conversation with her friend

It’s not a play date for kids. I’m sure the parents thought they would sort themselves out with food. I was at my friends houses all the time when I was a teen, don’t think they ever offered lunch. Dinner was different.