AIBU to refuse a holiday with in-laws

If I were you with 2 kids under two, quite frankly I’d tell my husband to go on his own and say he’ll have more fun. I’d feign a bit of illness and stay happily at home for the 3 nights with my feet up, bottle of wine and a film on TV. Tell him by the time you’ve packed everything you would need, worry about the money it would cost for these 3 days it’s simply not worth the effort or stress but you’re sure his Mother would love to have him there to herself!

You say your DH isn't financially abusive, then say you don't have any say in how money is spent? That sounds controlling to me.
With regards to the holiday be very firm with DH you are not going. He can go if he wants, you can't really stop him but you don't have to and you don't have to let the kids go. I'd just tell your in laws it's too much disruption to your children's routine, they can't really argue with that.
However I do think you have a bigger problem with your DH. Why isn't all money shared? Why is it just up to him what you spend money on? You may not be earning but you are caring for young children. If your DH can't see how controlling he is I'd go back to work

I think the issue is you are used to earning and feel inadequate/lost confidence from not earning. Does DH give the same vibes? If so, you need to change mindset. When you have a family, his money is family money, you shouldn't have to beg. 2.5 yrs is not a lot. 7 years or until the kids can walk to school is normal. I recommend part-time as a way to boost your confidence and feel less dependent.

I think it's fine to put your foot down though, maybe DH can go without you. It's already too much for the kids surely. You've already been and done your duty, doing it again is crazy. I'd go mad seeing in laws more than once or twice a year!

I so agree with this. Polite lies just dont work. People always know theyre not getting the truth and it enflames the situation. State the truth calmly and clearly and then move on, dont allow yourself to be drawn into a debate about it. Your inlaws sound enormously selfish and greedy.

Would decline the event for yourself and the DC and decline any offer to pay. To the in laws would say it’s for ‘personal reasons’.

To DH say it’s because you don’t want to incur the costs due to the high cost of his recent, unilateral decisions. Wouldn’t mention all the other things in your list.

Unfortunately with an H who behaves like this being a SAHM for any longer is unwise and risky. It’s not a privilege to SAH with an H who behaves like this.

If you’re on career break from an employer would end it and return to a job with them. If you’re not would seek a job.

Set a boundary and stick to it. If DH wants to go - let him - he can even take the children but it will not be a holiday of any kind for you and you’ve already done enough to celebrate your MiL.

Are your in-laws hard up? or your SIL/BIL very wealthy? Are the siblings in line for a big inheritance? All seems a bit OTT even for a big birthday. And your DH sounds like he feels pressure to keep up. All a bit unnecessary. It's not a competition, but sadly some family see it that way.

You are married to a twat.
I wouldn't go.
I wouldn't want to me married to that idiot.
Get back to work.

To echo others your dh should not be making unilateral decisions without consulting you. Of course you can’t afford another trip but If your mil offered to pay for the weekend I don’t see how you can say that’s controlling.

YANBU. You have 2 under 2 ! No further explanation needed.

Who on earth gives £1000 in cash to their parents as a present.

God, don't do it!! 😱

I can’t imagine ever feeling obliged to go on holiday with parents or PIL. It must be awful to have so little control over your own life.

I can’t imagine my parents or in-laws accepting money from us, it’s difficult enough to get them to accept a token Christmas gift!

I agree with the comments on here. It's all just too much. How many celebrations can someone have ?
I think it's perfectly reasonable to say sorry everyone we aren't going to be able to come on that holiday but have a great time.
X

Don’t go. She’s had her birthday celebrations. Expecting you all to go away when she’s had a nice meal out and a holiday is completely over the top.

I agree @SummerJemny that your husband has behaved appalling by giving your MiL all that money without discussing it with you first, but trying to see it from his 80 year old mother's point of view, she could die at any time, and all she is asking for is her family's company for 3 nights.

I know there was a family meal, but you can't really connect and have quality time with anyone, whilst sitting around a large table, in a restaurant. Your MiL could live to be, say, 93, and it would be very unreasonable if she continues to want family to holiday with her every year, but I doubt that she would actually be up to that anyway.

You have said that you can't afford the three nights away anyway, but you also said that you have been fine again since your husband got paid. However, if you really can't afford to pay for those 3 nights, and your MiL is kind enough to offer to pay for her son, and his wife, and her Grandchildren's mini-break, then please accept for your husband's sake, if not his Mum's. I don't see how her wanting to help her children have - what she probably expects would be - a nice few days away for them, as her being controlling?

A few things jumped out at me, the fact your DH spends such sums of money without discussing it with you and I guess that's because he is the breadwinner so he feels he can spend as he wants. I don't agree with that approach because a SAHM is also contributing and in a respectful and loving relationship both of you should discuss and agree first before he makes such commitments.

Secondly there seems to be some sibling rivalry going on where he is trying to keep up with his brothers when it comes to spending money on and pleasing his parents. That's a weird dynamic especially when you're both right for money.

Third using credit card while going on vacation, a vacation is a nice to have not an essential and if you're struggling for money you shouldn't be going on vacation. I saw your update that you had already planned the vacation before he committed the money so I guess that's on him but I wokld have looked at alternatives rather than using a credit card on vacation but it's what it is now.

Fourth you are not unreasonable for not wanting to go on vacation with his parents and family, I wouldn't as well because of of the reasons you gave and also the finances.

The fact you need to ask this suggests you have a "this is my money" type relationship which is wrong. My advice will be to take a stand and tell him you don't want to go and for MIL don't use money because as you said she will offer to pay, say you can't go on vacation because you just got back and need to settle down and that's it. She can get angry all she wants that's on her, but unfortunately the bigger issue here is your DH, will he back you or will he go behind your back and commit you to the holiday to pease his mother???

Another piece it advice, start working on a plan to have your own earning power, unfortunately in situations like this you have limited control and will find yourself going along with your DH.

This isn't about the money tho', is it? It's about sibling rivalry and you not feeling accepted by your DH's family. Tell your DH how you feel.

Just say no it doesn't work for us and stick to.it. Why should you go on holiday with people you don't like just cos they are family.
Why do people find it hard to stick up to their families.

On reading your updates OP I think it’s perfectly fine to decline such an invitation, but suggest you do it truthfully. Your original post points (in a few places) to financial difficulties / short of money but your update now says that was temporary and he got paid and everything’s fine now. I’d suggest you don’t use affordability as the reason to decline because it would be untrue based on the updates. Instead tell the truth - which appears to be that you like your kids to stay in their routine and that doesn’t align to adult celebrations and dinners and they don’t get on with your SIL kids who are mean to them (which is frankly odd given their ages and I’d expect your DH to get off his arse and put a stop to any such meanness immediately).

2.5 years ago? But they're both under 2?

Anyway. Do you not decide finacial decisions together?

What grown couple take "spending" money from their kids?

The joing account is left to you for groceries and kids clothes, so basically a 1950s marriage?

You aren't earning, but your raising his 2 kids.

Say you don't want to go on a holiday paid for by other people and whilst your at it, tell him you also don't want to pay for other people's holidays.

The free childcare you provide saves ££££
You aren't a sponger...

I didn’t earn a salary for the best part of 15 years. That didn’t mean that I had no say in how money was spent! It’s now 2026, can we not recognise that a woman’s unpaid labour, in the home is at least as valuable as the blokes work outside the home?