Would you judge self harm scars?

Would I notice them? Yes. Would I judge? No, of course not. I’d just feel sympathy.

I had the same issue OP and I got mine tattooed over! Doesn’t cover the texture but does make them invisible unless you are really looking. I did it 10 years ago and was able to wear short sleeves without feeling self conscious for the first time. I get it might not be for everyone and it is a significant investment but thought I’d mention it as a solution.

I have scars which have largely faded after a terrible childhood and zero therapy - tbh I think a lot of us women in our 40's who had abuse of some sort in the 80/90's which was just not dealt with at the time as it was before therapy was "a thing" and most of our parents were of the stiff upper lip generation.

As others have said, adults will likely be understanding but possibly worried about kids asking questions - either to you directly or to them afterwards. I have a teen dd who also self harms (she is in therapy) and I do think there should be support for us parents who have had to cope without mental healthcare as kids on how to talk to our own kids about it. As soon as I found out she was doing the same I explained how I didn't have anyone to talk to and used to do it as a mix of self punishment and emotional regulation without any thought to the future. I don't know if it is the right thing to do but I did also use the fact that when I have been in medical situations without a long sleeved top they notice them and (I feel) treat me as though everything is in my head. I will come away from Drs with anxiety or depression meds rather than a blood test for example. I had serious health issues last year and it did cross my mind that if I had not gone in in summer with my thyroid issues they would maybe have given me a blood test sooner.

A friend has severe scars from self harm. She hates them but decided to turn them into something beautiful and has integrated them into a tattoo. I think she's found her peace with them more. I don't judge her at all. I feel sad that they upset her and something she did in her teens impacts her decades later but she's survived and I'm very thankful for that

Exactly this!

This absolutely.

Realistically, a significant number of people will either have had/currently have mental health issues themselves or will have had a close family member or friend who did.

Further to my previous post I will also add in that a friend of mine has significant self-harm scars and I notice she does get stared at a lot. I might be more sensitive to noticing given I have them myself. Some people ask her about them (mostly older people) so do have a standard line for this, whether it’s ’mind your own business’ or ‘I was going through a difficult time in my life but I’d rather not talk about them’ - whatever works for you.

Just don’t discuss it with your kids? ‘I’m not certain what the scars are as we don’t know that person, but people can have scars for lots of different reasons, we don’t judge and try not to stare’ but padded out with more mum words. That one is on you, not everything needs a full explanation, particularly when it’s about someone else’s body.

Yes, this feels like an honest and reasonable reaction, and I'm surprised, actually, by all of the more positive posts on this thread. I think that, even as a person with such scars myself i would feel pretty much how @KitKatPitPat feels {EDIT: Apologies - you aren't describing your own feelings here, but general parental feelings you are aware of] , especially with children in the picture. I never found a way of dealing with my children noticing my scars. I tried to keep them hidden but I doubt that I fully succeeded. There didn't seem to be any safe way of talking about them, and so I let my children down in this respect.

I would notice. I would think “I hope he/she is in a better place; I hope if they’re not they feel they can talk to someone.”
I would crack on, but from then on my opinion would be that you are incredibly brave to have fought back and still be here. That’s the only judgement you would get until I’ve worked out if you are a nice person or not.

Honeslty I think as a 20 something peer I'd have "drawn some conclusions" and the idea "no one will notice" just isnt true.
but as 40 something I have a lot more empathy and also more understanding of the lack of permanance(?) In the world / the changing nature of things.
I think the kind of people that make those assumptions and cannot understand how nuanced life is / that not everyone was afforded a lovely childhood and decent parents are generally people whose opinions hold no value to me

Practically If you really dislike it you could look a something sheer clothing or try body foundation.
But ultimately you are fine to go about your business as you.like.

Ok….I’m sorry, I don’t want to upset you.

But honestly one of the school mums has visible scars, and I know that several of the school mums do avoid her because of it. They really don’t like that their kids have seen the scars - these kids are primary school, so old enough to query the scars but of an age where you might not want to introduce the concept of self harm. Some of them don’t know how to answer questions about the scars, don’t want to deal with any awkward conversations, so instead just avoid her and in a few cases that means that her and her kids have not been invited to group get togethers.

Before anybody starts on me, I don’t feel this way, but I am aware of it.

My kids are autistic and struggle socially as it is, so I’m always really careful to get on with as many school mums as possible and that helps them to be included in things, so for me that would be a big concern.

I just wanted to be honest with you that some people may feel that way so you know to keep an eye out for issues.

I’d also suggest that you practice a “kid friendly” explanation if any child actually asks you - in the case of the school mum I know she was quite blunt/direct when a 5 year old at school did ask her, and that’s a big part of the issue for some of the mums. When my kids asked about the scars I just told them that sometimes that can happen when people have been really ill, but that I think she’s better now, and they accepted that.

Alot of us have unhealthy coping mechanisms when we'vebeen through alot, yours is just an especially visible one. I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

As a pp said, Id just hope youre in a happier time now

I have very old self-harm scars that I usually hide, and the fear I have is that, if I were to let them be seen, people would think: Why is she showing them? Why is she cornering me into a knowledge about her former emotional life? How unfair and aggressive, to pressure me into knowledge of her vulnerability.

The reality, of course, is just that I'm too effing hot. But I can't trust people not to feel somehow sucked in to my inner life, and to feel angry about that.

Perhaps because of all my own fucked-up attitudes, I might myself feel a bit angry along the above lines if I saw another person's scars.

No I wouldnt judge. There is always a reason for self harm and I would just hope they had come through the other side x

I’d notice but I wouldn’t think much of them at all tbh, not more than a passing glance and I really don’t think it would influence my wider opinion of you.

I’d admire you for it. I have severe self harm scars and live in long sleeves all summer. I can barely even tolerate wearing short sleeves at home because I hate how they look.

I self harmed when I was in my 20s OP. I don't self harm now but at times I still want to and have to consciously make myself not. My shame is in still wanting to self harm because I think most people associate it with younger people.

I don't think you should be ashamed of your scars and anyone who judges you for them isn't worth knowing.

I think you should be very proud of yourself for having built a good life for yourself despite your issues in your younger life.

My arms are covered in them.

I was a manic street preachers fan when I was 14, and I wanted to be “cool” so used to cut words into my arm like the guitarist. I did it one summer. That was it. I was just a fucking idiot wanting to be cool with the older people at gigs.

I am now stuck with them. I keloid scar too, which is great.

I ised to live my life in cardigans. Mainly, as when I had my first child in my 20s, a midwife saw them and shouted to a colleague across the waiting area, “Christ, we’ve got a mental health one here!” (I have no mental health issues, but I was distraught after that).

Then one day, I thought fuck it, I’m not being hot anymore.

I am 46 now and they have faded, I never give them a second thought. people do look and judge though, I see them.

I’ve had some awful things said to me over the years, but do you know what, it says more about them than me. I don’t go round looking at people or judging them, I stick to my own life.

No. I would not judge. I would hope you’re in a better place.

I used to know someone with a lot of scars which sound similar to yours. I'll admit I was quite shocked the first time I saw them (I was about 18 and pretty sheltered) but she was so clearly in a better place and the scars were definitely old so that feeling quickly passed. I do remember admiring her for getting through what must have been a horrible period in her life, but that was an assumption on my part.

I would think 'at some point this person didn't have healthy coping mechanisms, and that's a really tough thing to have gone through, I hope they are ok now'.

Do you have an answer ready if anyone asks about them?

One of my best friend has a lot of self harm scars, she’s always super self conscious of them when she’s out or attending events, she’ll sometimes take a shawl/wrap for if she feels too uncomfortable. Not once has anyone ever passed comment or judgement on them. She did have one time when a woman stared for a bit longer than usual however she then noticed the woman also had some.

When I see self harm scars I don’t judge, I feel sympathy that the person has hurt themselves.