AIBU for being sad and upset about people's behaviour at my church

Well you are incredibly irresponsible and a fool to have walked 40min in the heat! No one except you would do that. Why were you so desperate to attend this party and please these people. And to put your child through that walk!
you’ve also said that you noticed they ignored you many times before, so more fool you for trying to please these people.
Still can’t believe you made your child walk in scorching heat for 40 min!!

It never really occurred to me that lots of people act strangely around single parents and you were obviously young when you had your DS. Maybe they've been talking about you and the adults are masking and pretending to be nice whereas the young people aren't mature (for want of a better word) enough to do that.

Religious people can be a bit weird with single parents. My DS's best friend at primary school was part of a very religious family and I had him (maybe aged 7) telling me that couples should work on their problems!! She'd keep asking if I was ok, almost in tears and sometimes she'd be really snappy. Always played Christian music when I went to their house🙄

I think they think they ought to be good Christians and be kind but it's in a very patronising way, like you're some sort of charity case and different to them.

Church communities are a special type of judgy and cliquey people. I have seen how they ostracise people who don't fit their close minded mould. Try and find friends outside of the church.and you will be a lot more relaxed about trying to fit in.

This is a bit odd OP.

You were invited to a party. It’s not usual to offer to pick people up to attend something at your house, particularly when you were able to walk. It’s a big imposition on the host who already has a lot of other things to think about.

You could have asked someone else you knew for a lift if it was an issue for you.

Teenagers and young people are not well known for making polite conversation with adults they don’t know, I’m not sure why you expect them to?

Reflect on all of this when you have calmed down. Is your gut still telling you that you are right about these people being unkind all along? If so, go church shopping. Pray on it, ask for God’s help and guidance.

It is entirely possible to find a church where all ages and stages take genuine delight in seeing each other, helping each other and facilitating participation, because to love each other, as Christ has instructed, does actually mean we must LOVE each other. We are also all sinners so they need to take the plank out of their eye before judging a single mum.

Some of these comments seem so removed from what I recognise as knowing healthy church life. The first Christians pooled all their money and resources…. A modern Christian can expect a hello and a lift!

If you do feel these people have been unkind to you and wish to move on to a new church, I’d really recommend you pray for the church you are leaving behind, forgive them, it should bring you peace and closure, and God will bless you.

I will pray for you, I am sorry to see your distress at all of this. I hope whatever you do next you find great fellowship.

Also, just wanted to say your son comes across as a lovely young man, I hope he can connect with nice people his own age.

I will always offer fellow worshippers a lift home, especially if the weather is poor, eg very hot, raining etc, similarly if there is a church event on somewhere I will usually ask if they wanted picking up.

I've come across similar disappointing issues at my church, where no one seems to notice I've not been there for months due to ill health etc. You tend to think if you are doing intimate things like praying/worshipping together, you automatically have a depth of intimacy: however in reality it takes years to build friendships (so maybe calling them 'friend a/b' is a bit premature).

Also agree with PPs saying you would have given off bad mood/give me space vibes at the party, that you are between age ranges, and that a 17 year who doesn't know you will not say hello - they are shy/not socially adjusted at that age.

I'd imagine they had full cars and couldn't have fitted the two of you in, and/or you could have said 'Sorry, can't make it' as your car is in for repairs. Nor is it because you are a single mum or 'a harlot' as a PP suggested. And you won't end up being (actual) friends with everyone.

None of this makes them bad people or all Christians bad.

Please don't let it detract from your relationship with God, and you stay if things like the worship is what you need... Enjoy the acquaintanceships, the prayer support, the kindness, the chance to be in a worship band for your son, any events you can easily get to ... And deepen friendships slowly.

(And as has been suggested to me - join a small prayer group if they are any as you get to know people better)

It's a small town. You've been there 1.5 years, the other people may have lived there all their lives. It's hard to break in to small communities with established friendship groups. Cities are easier because people are more transient.

It’s hardly an impossible standard to be nice to people and offer a lift rather than say if you want to come you’ll have to walk I’m not a Christian and I can manage that just fine

My experience is that churches can be like this, quite cliquey and all about appearances.
However, I also think your expectations are too high. You have lived their 1.5 years and considered them 'like family' those kinds of bonds can take many many years to truly materialise and you can't find them with just anyone. A church can give you a veneer of acceptance and welcome, but everyone is still only human and connections take time. I understand why you would place more weight on them as a newcomer who felt lonely, but I think you have to be realistic about how invested other people really are.

If they bump into me they are all over me but I'm just coolly civil back. They showed me who they are. I haven't attended any church since, as I fear it's all fake. I go to a prayer group not attached to any church instead.

I’m guessing OP is American with the spelling of “realized” with a Z and I picked up on the use of “mom” as well.

I’m not from the US but one of my friends is and started going to church when she moved to the UK and she made a comment once about how much better she finds it here with people being less fake and choosing to go to church rather then doing it because it’s expected, she said it was less fake and cliquey.

Of course that’s anecdotal but the people at OP’s church do sound rather cliquey.

Is there any other ways of meeting new friends where you live OP? Sometimes it’s the people who claim they are Christians that can be the most judgemental and unwelcoming to new people.
It sounds kind to say they are praying for you on paper but I’m not sure how I’d take that - I’d wonder why people think I need their prayers?

Of course that’s just me and I often question people’s motives when I don’t really know them, they could just be showing kindness.
I think I’d be looking at other ways to meet people similar interests though who wouldn’t treat you differently from others in the same community.

That’s harsh and just plain rude. What exactly has op done wrong? I wouldn’t have walked. They sound horrible op.

Are you American ? Time of posting and saying ‘mom’?

I would not invest your entire social being in the church. There are other groups and people in your new location.
Although the party is done I would not have gone or taken nor expected my 14 year old to be invited to a 9 year olds birthday party. And maybe some of your fellow members of the church thought you walking such a distance to bring him to it was a bit odd.

He needs friends of his own age.

I'm not saying this is the case but I have experienced others feeling shunned when they sort of shun themselves. Our culture is not really one of openness so you almost have to be really assertive and not assume people are going to know that you want to join in/participate/talk/be included etc.

This was a lesson I learned going into business and speaking to people on a casual basis.

Are you able to say hello to others and insert yourself into things where you want to be included?

People aren't mind readers and they probably have no idea how you feel. I can't see that anyone, in church or otherwise, would go out of their way to shun or ignore someone for no reason.

I'm not suggesting the above is the case, I'm just asking if it could be and offerig suggestions in the event it is relevant.

So is the OP, and she turned up at a 9 year old's party in a strop. Why isn't it her job to get over it?

Honestly, if the derogatory comments about Christians were said about people of any other faith, they would be deemed racist. Christians are humans, like everyone else. They are called to be like Christ. It’s an impossible standard, so they sometimes fall short.

OP, please continue in your efforts. Don’t let this experience dishearten you. I remember when I moved to an area and started at a new church, it took longer than I thought to feel I had made friends in the area, both at church as well as in the wider community. After 10 years I went to a different church, mainly because it’s bigger. I now have friends at both.

There are equivalent “Men’s sheds” for women. The one I know of is called the “Community Shed”. I can provide more details if anyone’s interested.

OP, I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Did they say to you "it's not that far to walk" while giving lifts to others who could have driven there themselves?
People not greeting you/engaging with you - it is only now you've noticed it more, so just start being observant and you will have your answer in a few weeks time.
Parties are a very busy place, so not a good example. And if you looked moody, I can see how people skipped you then.
Re: teen boys, they are often in their own world, not noticing or caring for adults. I wouldn't take it personally, not if they treat your son well. I doubt their parents would have told them to ignore you.
BUT, there is a thing about churches, although they claim they've moved on from judging people.. you being a much younger and single mum may be the reason. I know you call these people friends, but do you see ANY of them socially- over coffee, personal chat, a hobby? Or is it just at church?

Also, the hypocrisy and power struggle of them assuming they should "pray for you" REALLY rankles me. I'm disabled and have experienced weird Christians trying to pray to "cure" me. Absolutely weird and offensive. And signifies that they certainly do not view us all as equals. Nothing can cure me.

You don't need their sanctimonious prayers. You aren't beneath them. If they aren't genuine, then it's actually such a creepy and holier than thou load of bullshit to prop up their superior egos. Fuck em 😂

You turned up grumpy and didn't have the energy to speak to anyone, people were probably picking up on those vibes. Everyone else was also probably feeling hot and grumpy

They are professed Christians, so their job is to get over it.

Was this the only time you've felt they were unfriendly? You say they have been kind, they usually say hi, have prayed for you?

You turned up grumpy and didn't have the energy to speak to anyone, people were probably picking up on those vibes. Everyone else was also probably feeling hot and grumpy

Surely you must have noticed before now that none of the youth speak to you? Have you not noticed they don't interact with your son?

I wouldn't make any decisions based off one incident of lack of friendliness, see how things play out over the next few weeks

There’s a difference between not being super friendly towards OP and completely blanking her, which is what she described.