DH hobby - AIBU?

OP has already said he has a teen, yet has always played cricket.
The teen joins him at cricket.

Why would the OP think it would be different for his 2nd child ?

I can't believe what an easy ride this twat is getting on here.

"cricket is important to him". Yes we all get that, we all have things that are super important to us. Some of us write novels or make art, some are great swimmers and runners or team players or actors.

But guess what, when we have children we have a few years where the things that we find fun and important to us personally... just aren't the most important things we have to do. It's maybe 5-10 years in total, could be up to 20 if we have a lot of kids, out of maybe 50 years of having healthy discretionary free time, as an adult. Having children isn't something you're forced to do. But if you do make that choice you need to accept that your hobbies really are less of a big deal for a while. Things you want to do - meh!! It's as clear as crystal the nature of the responsibility you have taken on, and the time and energy it requires, if you are a person of any character whatsoever.

I mean yeah you still CAN be an elite sportsperson or whatever but it then falls on someone else to do your share, whether you are a father or a mother.

It's exceptionally twattish to assume someone else will pick up your Saturday slack in parenting, and then when they mildly complain, belittle them and sneer that they are somehow not "independent". Well sunshine, you aren't "independent" in a family with a young child, you are "interdependent". Your wife may not want to go off by herself in a tit for tat way, she may just want you near to be with her and your shared child, sharing the parenting and bringing some weekend energy and fun. Going off to cricket and assuming OP will hold the fort is so selfish and pathetic.

He should be saying "I really want to play, it's x days, here's how to make it less burdensome - are you willing to look after little Hugo for those days? What could make it easier? OMG thank you so much! If you are willing that's so amazing, I will do all the Sunday mornings and get us a takeaway Sunday night, and let's book weekend away in x date. I am so lucky to have you". Tbh that might be all OP needs - basic tiny bit of respect and acknowledgement he doesn't have a right to assume she will do it.

This man is doubly pathetic because he ALREADY CHOSE TO HAVE TWO FAMILIES. Knowing how much time one family needs from him, how much children need from their parents after a divorce, he went off and started another.

And he's sacking all his children off now to play a stupid throwy ball hitty bat boys' game in a white jumper. Instead of thinking "How can I help my first child know I am there for them and how can I avoid the mistakes of my first marriage to ensure my new child is not left in the same position, how can I carefully devote every minute of my free time to the child I have injured by leaving them?" he is just going ME WANT PLAY BALLY BAT GAME like a whiny toddler.

I loathe him more, the more I think about it!

So why is it ok for a father of 2 to opt out of parenting on Saturdays? She's the default parent, not as easy as that to go find her own things to do with a 2yr old in tow. Telling her to get over herself, whilst condoning his lack of commitment to being a father is shocking.

I wasn't excusing shit behaviour, I was just saying why men think differently about it. I certainly don't condone their shit behaviour whatsoever, I'd have thought my issues with DH would have made that very clear.

It may not always have nothing to do with which sex you are but I had to give up my sport when I was 4 months pregnant and wasn't able to go back to it when my children were young. That's great that you could, but it's not possible for all women.

What special about Saturdays? Sunday is traditionally family day isn't it?

He has a hobby that you knew about when you got together. Leave him be. You are not attached by a chain. Go find your own things to do and get over yourself.

That’s just excusing shit behaviour. It’s nothing to do with being a man or women. I’ve played a lot of sports growing up, men and women who belong to the clubs I do usually play every other weekend when they have young kids.

Me and DH met through sports and neither of us do the level of sports we used to because both of us value family time and neither of us are selfish.

Presumably he was playing cricket every Saturday before you married him and had a child together? Why wasn't it discussed beforehand?

Just go out every Sunday for 10 hours and leave him at home with your toddler.

If he wanted to spend family time with you, he would do so.

Don’t have another baby with him.

This man seems to work a lot of Sunday and Rugby isn’t the entire day. It’s a different load, to be clear. If your hobby takes up all your non working time, then your family should move on and find someone who cares about them.

You need to dump family time for a little while and give him an understanding of solo parenting time. Go out Sunday. And book yourself the weekend away solo the first non cricket weekend post the season. Say firmly you’re an independent man, I don’t understand what the issue is. If he says but ds! You say excuse me? You have never mentioned ds when I’ve said you being away every Saturday is hard. You said I was an independent woman, you compleltey failed to acknowledge that we had a baby and you aren’t taking responsibility as a dad or acknowledging the effort solo parenting is. You’re a dad too and you need to facilitate me being an independent woman, unless you just meant shut up and look after our baby woman?

dump family time for a while. Make sure he solo parents for some time every weekend. Loudly explain the load he’s putting on you if he’s just babysitting and hes not also looked after the house and washing and cooking like you do. Insist on respect for you, because currently that’s not there and there’s no long term happiness for you without it. When he’s willing to talk you need to draw some firm boundaries.

Women marry men expecting them to change. Men marry women expecting them to stay the same.

If you marry a man who already has a child and hasn't given up their hobby, don't act surprised when he doesn't do it next time round either.

That's really judgemental.

I think if parents are happy, kids are happy. If the parents have an agreement that they take turns in doing the hobby they both enjoyed, what on earth is wrong with that? It's really important to keep a balance in life and can help stop parental burnout. How many times on here to we encourage mum's to get a few hours to themselves when they are shattered and stressed? Loads.

How much parenting does he do with toddler, his teen? When you weren’t on the scene how much did he see his older child?

DH has played rugby since he was five years old. I wouldn’t stop him from playing.

I work full time so enjoy having DD to myself on a Saturday. We do family stuff on a Sunday and I also do my own hobby whilst DH spends time with her.

So basically every Saturday of the warm weather

As a fellow cricket widow I completely agree with you. I don't agree that it's "only" 4 months. That 4 months also happens to be the only decent weather in the year. And it's 50% of the weekend for 4 months. My DH now plays for a team who is less competitive. It means he doesn't have to play every single match and you don't get penalised for only playing certain games. They can all dip in and out a bit more. They are lower down the league admittedly but it makes it workable with a family.

When you said that he chooses to go off and do his thing which is the most important to him above his kids and why you made excuses about him saying you cannot ask a man to stop his love to parent the kids he says he loves...but clearly loves something else more.

So you both didn't parent much then? Yeah it benefits you a lot. Kids not so much.

I am really surprised that nobody has picked up on DH saying if he gives up cricket it will ruin his life. Sorry, what??!! Spending time with his wife and child would ruin his life? The only thing worth anything in his life is cricket?

This is a disgusting thing to say

I guess you knew what you were getting into? If he doesn't mind missing the odd match for important things, like a family holiday, it's ok imo. As long as he keeps a balance. I presume nothing in the winter, so plenty of time together then.

Can you arrange to see your own family and friends on the occasional Saturday? Have fun with you and the little one with good company. Won't feel like you're missing out so much if do your own thing too. You don't have to visit him at a match, nor do you have to sit at home waiting for him. Turn it into something positive!

They have a young child together. You seriously think nothing should change for him?

Sorry what's because it lasts all day?

I guess my DH fails then as he doesn't play sport, he "just watches some blokes on a football team kicking a ball around".

Don't worry tho, I do stuff for myself on Saturdays and Sundays :). This is the first weekend this month when I haven't been out both days (or all three) at my sport (which I guess is just watching (supporting) some runners, jumpers and throwers flinging themselves about on an athletics track; I like it tho).

It's a short season, so you don't have this all the time. I'd accept it for the four months a year, as long as it would also be okay for you to have a hobby too, if you want one. I wouldn't go and watch the games though, unless you enjoy them. That's hard with a 2.5 year old to entertain at the same time.

My DH is a runner. When he decided he wanted to run marathons, he took off training most of Saturday but it was all year round. I decided if he was going to do that, with the expectation we'd be waiting for him to be available to do anything mind you, that I was just going to get on with my own life and not wait for him. The first time I took the kids out and we had a great time without him, he didn't like being left out one bit. He soon changed his schedule when it impacted him.

First marathon, I was at the finishing line. He told me what time he expected to finish, so I made sure I was there to take the photo of him crossing the finish line. He finished an hour and a bit later than he predicted, which was really hard with the crowds and trying to wrangle the kids. I told him he could do his runs (which weren't always marathons) but I wouldn't be at the finish line as it was just too hard. I also didn't fancy the early morning starts, very early, to get to the location, fight for parking too. Somehow he decided he didn't have to do these runs when he realised we wouldn't be hanging around for him. Not sure why it was so important for us to be waiting to stroke his ego at the finish line for him to want to do it.

In other words, let them have their hobby but you can set boundaries around and it not let it impact your life more than it has to.

Sport and exercise are really important to me and my husband; I understand the wellbeing side of this. We have a baby but neither of us does activities that take us away so frequently for whole days for a large portion of the year. This is partly luck - neither of us loves cricket, golf or similar sports - and I understand your husband having a passion.

That said, @sanctuary86, it really isn’t fair that you’re solo parenting every Saturday for such a large portion of the year. I would suggest that you sit down together and look at the season in advance and make a plan, and that this includes something like:

1. One or two games that he will miss, without complaint, so you can go on holiday.
2. A couple of Sundays that you will have completely to yourself (and get some things arranged for these). I know you’re keen to prioritise family time but you may be less resentful and more present for this on the other Sundays.
3. A regular Sunday morning slot he has with the children, even if just to make them breakfast or do a short activity for a couple of hours, while you lie in/have a walk/ do a gym class.
4. A couple of whole family Sunday days out, so you know you’ve got nice things planned.
5. A couple of times when you will come down to the club and watch for an hour or two with the children - you may find this actually enjoyable when you have a fairer plan in place generally. (I enjoyed going to see my Dad play cricket when I was a child, but I was lucky as the ground was rural so lots of running around was possible and there were other children there).