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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend not considering my place in his life?

56 replies

crimsonlake · 24/05/2026 18:14

I would value some opinions on this situation...
I have been with my partner / boyfriend for 4 years, we are in a committed relationship although choose not to live together. He will do anything for me and is the nicest kindest person.
I have 2 grown up sons who live away, he also has one son who lives away.
Yesterday was his son's graduation, I must add I have only met his son a couple of times as he lives abroad.
My bf attended the ceremony some distance away. The ex wife was obviously there and I knew beforehand she was bringing her sister and a friend along.
At the time the only issue that concerned me was I felt sorry for my bf being outnumbered on his side.
During the course of the evening alone I began to dwell on the fact which had not occurred to me before that the ex was given preference and took along 2 guests whereas my bf was expected to attend alone.
Upon bf's return today I asked how it all went and since he mentioned that during the evening celebratory meal she brought along more extra guests...
I went on to mention that I felt sidelined and as a committed couple it would have been nice to have simply been extended an invite, an invite which I nonethless would have declined as I would not have wanted to make his ex uncomfortable.
His response was 'I am not ready for that'
He clearly had not considered me at all and just accepted the situation without considering my place in his life. We have been dating for 4 years I even wear a committment ring, I then asked if his son knew how long we had actually been together? Adding he would rather upset me than risk upsetting his ex wife.
The upshot is there was no argument but after a couple of hours of strained silence he asked if he should leave, I left that up to him...so he left.
I am not a demanding girlfriend, I understand family dynamics and am sensitive to such occassions as this as I had to endure my ex h attend my son's graduation ceremony shortly after divorce.
Aibu to feel the way I eventually did?

OP posts:
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hallenbad · 27/05/2026 08:24

Not the hill to die on but hopefully your point was made and you’ll get through it as a couple.

Letsbe · 27/05/2026 08:20

Life is too short to worry aboit not being sent invites you would yurn down.

BudgetBuster · 26/05/2026 22:25

PinkEasterbunny · 26/05/2026 20:41

You're being entitled and unreasonable.

After 4 years????

Yes. She doesn't know the son. It could be 20 years... why would she be invited to the sons graduation when she's only met him twice? That would be super strange.

UpDownAllAround1 · 26/05/2026 21:19

You hardly know the son. YABU

JustGiveMeReason · 26/05/2026 20:58

PinkEasterbunny · 26/05/2026 20:41

You're being entitled and unreasonable.

After 4 years????

About thinking she has any place at the graduation of a 35yr old man she has met twice.
Particularly when it would cause tension as that man's separate parents would both be there.

PinkEasterbunny · 26/05/2026 20:41

You're being entitled and unreasonable.

After 4 years????

Mummummum55432 · 26/05/2026 19:41

I get what you mean but that was totally the wrong event to make an issue.

outerspacepotato · 26/05/2026 19:39

Double post

outerspacepotato · 26/05/2026 19:39

You've only met his son twice. Son doesn't care about his dad's GF, you have no place in his life, and this day was for him.

Your thinking about sides is an adversarial position and inappropriate for his graduation.

Your bf isn't going to include you on his family life and he just flat out told you so.

You're being entitled and unreasonable.

Goditsmemargaret · 26/05/2026 19:36

I think the graduation is a catalyst to a much needed conversation about where you both see this relationship going.

itsgettingweird · 26/05/2026 19:31

crimsonlake · 24/05/2026 18:21

Good to know others opinions, as I said it was only later that I began thinking in these terms. I would have declined had an invite been offered, just feeling it would have been nice to have had the choice.

Maybe he knows you’d have declined?

Would you want to invite someone to something important to you knowing they would say no?

Maybe he doesn’t want to set himself up to be turned down and feel unimportant to you?

ScaredButUnavoidable · 26/05/2026 19:03

What did he mean by “I’m not ready for that yet” ??

Not ready for what?

For you to be seen as his long-term partner?

PinkEasterbunny · 26/05/2026 18:59

Ilikewinter · 24/05/2026 18:45

I understand why people are saying YABU re the sons graduation, but DP response of 'I'm not ready for that yet' after being together for 4 years is odd .... no?? .... after 4 years I would expect to have some sort of relationship with DP family.

Absolutely this - you are not unreasonable to want more after 4 years. The graduation ceremony is a red herring.

HortiGal · 26/05/2026 18:52

A bit off that you weren’t included in the wedding invite as a partner of four years, have you actually met his family or attended anything as his partner?

Duvetdayneeded · 26/05/2026 18:45

Clearly he’s not that committed.

JustGiveMeReason · 26/05/2026 18:22

That makes no difference whatsoever.

I agree with everyone else on this thread, and it seems yesterday, you had come round to accepting YWBVVVU.

crimsonlake · 26/05/2026 17:12

Just as an update all is fine, he returned and we spent the rest of the weekend together.
Despite what a lot of you think, it was never initilly about me, I simply began overthinking about the other guests....
Not that I am sure it will change anyones minds and hopefully I won't be accused of drip feeding...
However I should have clarified it was a Doctorate ceremony graduation, son is 35 years old and married.

OP posts:
Feduptryingusernames · 26/05/2026 16:50

YABU, agree with other posters, if you regularly got together with the boy/ knew him better that's different. You need to apologise to your DP.

Left · 25/05/2026 23:36

I agree with others that the graduation is a red herring.

What is the wider picture like? Do you feel an involved part of his life in general?

Coffecakeicing · 25/05/2026 23:32

4 years and he's not ready for that?

Forget the graduation as that is very specific.

You are wasting your time with him.

Remindmeofthebabee · 25/05/2026 23:24

His wife’s sister is his son’s auntie. Her friends have probably been involved in his upbringing since he was little. I love my Mum’s friends, I refer to them as my auntie.

I cannot imagine in what world I would invite my dad’s girlfriend to my graduation. They got together when I was an adult and she means nothing to me. Totally inappropriate to expect to be invited.

Sam9769 · 25/05/2026 22:57

You're upset that you weren't invited but if you had been you would have declined the invitation?? Really?? So you're spoiling his enjoyment of a big event in his life over this?? YABU.

Brokentoes85 · 24/05/2026 20:23

So you were only bothered once you found out his ex had extra invites? Odd

donaldson7111 · 24/05/2026 20:03

4 years!!! Sounds like neither of you are serious about moving it forward. His actions demonstrate this

PashaMinaMio · 24/05/2026 19:21

Reading between the lines, graduation invite or not, I think your “boyfriend” was looking for a way out and you offered him the catalyst to walk away on a plate.
He might come back but I think you’ve got “stuff” to get sorted out in the commitment arena, ring or no ring.