To be absolutely depressed by parenting

You will. I look back and think some days were hard but overall it was OK. Probably rose tinted specs and all that. Fellow teacher here too and my H didn't understand the 6 weeks not being a break. We had a mega row over it and every year since I've booked them into childcare for 2 days of the 6 weeks to have a break, even now they're older.

Do you use Reddit? There is a sub Reddit called regretfulparents which is excellent for venting. Lots of people having bad days supporting each others, not much advice but lots of people experiencing the same thing to chat to.

Yes I also have 2 friends going through IVF and others that have been trying for a number of months with no success, I absolutely couldn’t vent to them. My other close friend is a struggling skint single mum with an abusive ex, it would feel tone deaf.

I agree that focussing on your DH is unhelpful, it's the default on MN quite often.
Otoh he might just make the right supportive noises which, while they don't do anything practical they just acknowledge that you're in it together.

Fair. I find it works offloading works best when it's mutual and you take turns and that's not always available.

Is there someone else in your life that might be a better option for offloading?

Maybe telling the GP instead of your husband might work better in that case? It’s very hard to make a plan for coping with all of this if you are suffering from depression, which it sounds like you could be, on top of the day to day toughness of it all. Good luck xxx

OP, my boys were very busy. I gave them endless refills of spray bottles to spray the flowers, plants and walls. They loved it. I definitely got peace.

One day I told them to wipe the walls and kitchen cupboards with the spray bottle and cloth, and they did.
I didn't care. The were busy and quiet and the mop up took no time.

Sand pit and water pit at the end of the garden was great too.

Everything is shit when you are exhausted.
Be kind to yourself. It will pass.

This is so accurate, every word. Exactly the same here.

Posters are probably imaging a chaotic house here with a depressed mum where discontent breeds bad behaviour even if I don’t realise it. Honestly nothing could be further from the truth. We have a reasonably tidy house, low sugar, low screen environment, I encourage them most of the day to play independently, trying to strike the balance between coming up with ideas and assisting while also fostering independent play skills. Every day they have at least a couple of hours of fresh air and usually much more. I wake up every day with the mindset that today will be different and we will all have fun, and I try very hard to be gentle/firm/kind, but it isn’t enough. It doesn’t matter what I do, the whining and fighting and screaming starts within seconds, and carries on for the entire day. I can’t leave the room for even 10 seconds to pour a glass of water without hearing MUMMY HE/SHE HAS being screamed out. Then of course after 6+ hours of this I shout as it does stop them for a few minutes before it starts up again.

I would say we have 2 ‘good’ days and 5 bad ones at the moment. Today has been ok. But coupled with being screamed awake at 6am every morning for literally thousands of mornings in a row, whilst also dealing with the fucking nightmare that is bedtime robbing me of any kind of evening every night, and yes my patience has worn thin tbh.

I literally don’t even want to hear ‘awww hun; it gets better, you’ll miss this…’ as it makes me murderous!

You sound like a determined coper, but presumably you married DH because he knows you, and wants the best for you, so maybe you need to be a bit vulnerable and let him know how you’re feeling, without knowing how that conversation might end?

Even if you can tell he doesn’t “get it”, it’s still important he knows how low parenting is currently making you feel, as he might just be able to support you, somehow, in feeling slightly less alone and depressed at your situation. If roles were reversed you’d probably want the chance to try to support him.

I had a short period of depression (different issues) after my first, and found it extremely hard to verbalise, especially to my husband, so I don’t speak as someone who did this naturally. But I’ve learned over the years, for all his faults, he does really want to help and sometimes really can, often unexpectedly.

Sending love - I know the feeling of just wanting to enjoy the kids, but not being able to. It’s hard.

So he knows what you're going through. So he is a sounding board after a crap day. Sometimes letting it all out can make you feel better. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. I can't imagine not telling my husband if I felt like you do. Luckily he was of a similar opinion that life with 5 and 2 yo is pretty shit and we're a team that works together to make it less shit.

A big part of coping with this rough stage is looking after yourself, somehow, and having a plan to support yourself mentally. That would start by discussing this with someone who cares about you, presumably your DH? You’ve made it really clear you don’t want to discuss him/his contribution, which is fair, but could you answer the point about if you have told him how you feel? Have you told any friends or loved ones? It doesn’t sound like you have any IRL mental health support, and sometimes you have to reach out to make it happen, but it is so important. It could make you less unhappy.

I'm getting so irritated on your behalf reading some of these idiotic and/or sanctimonious replies, OP.

Those parents don't have it figured out, they just have different children. This is an absolutely shit stage for you and you're a trooper for getting through it, even if you don't have a choice. I hope they enter an easier stage soon.

Mine are 15 and 13 now. The 15 year old is in town with his girlfriend, the 13 year old has just rolled out of bed. I asked her if she wanted to do something and I'm waiting on tenterhooks to see if she deigns to grace me with her presence.

My point is this is not forever and at some point you will look back and marvel at how quickly it went. I know that doesn't seem at all possible but it is true.

It sounds like you're doing a great job. No one would be happy getting up at the crack of dawn to tackle constant fights and questions. Unfortunately it is a matter of putting your head down and trying to get through it as best you can.

One bit of advice would be to consciously decide at some point in the day to let go of the schedule and the jobs and just be with them and enjoy them. IME a lot of stress and annoyance comes from the knowledge of what's to come - tiredness, mess, endless hours of nonsense. If you give yourself a break from the future now and again you can breathe for a few minutes and just a few positive moments can make the whole day seem less of a grind.

If they're struggling to get on with each other, modelling/rewarding cooperation can also help. My two used to tell on each other all the time - I told them 'You're supposed to be plotting together against me, not dobbing each other in.' In other words, they should be in cahoots, not working against each other. Even giving them one very small job that they have to complete together to get a reward (e.g. DD pass DS a toy to put in the toybox to get an icecream) can start to build the idea that a sibling is co-conspirator, not a foe.

I remember the main lesson I took from lockdown was don't give parents well intentioned but shit advice involving things that take several multiple more times to set up and clear up than the child is occupied for.

Oh OP, I'm sending you some virtual support.

I was just on the bus with and I felt sorry for the mom behind me...

Mommy, what's that?
Mommy, what's that tree?
Mommy, what's that building?
...
And the final straw (for me) - Mommy, what's that man explaining to the other man?

How the hell should Mommy know that, son?

I was saying to my mom and daughter that I'm so happy to be well beyond that stage.
You have ny sympathy 💐.

🫣 sounds like every single activity I try and plan for mine. Buy it. Set it up. Pray for a moment of peace. They either a) immediately break it or b) fight over it forcing me to intervene and either punish them, stop the activity or for me to sit alongside said activity, helicopter parenting to ensure it’s “smooth” running. I then have to tidy it away.

Honest to god mine would fight over a pen. I don’t think any single activity has peacefully occupied them for “hours” in 12 years.

We were up and out early this morning because, well, every morning we are up early. Agreed on a bike ride. DD’s bike had a flat tyre much to DS’s delight. He teased her over it, she hit him in return then they are full on fighting on the driveway at 8am.

#makingmemories
#itgetsbetter
#youwillmissthis