To be absolutely depressed by parenting

You’re not at all confused. Is your DH working full time and you 2.5 days?

Interesting that I’m seeing a condom ad pop up as I scroll down and read this thread.

The OP has very clearly and politely asked that we don't go on about her husband or berate her for his failings. As she's having a hard time and can't snap her fingers and make him a wonderful supportive partner, maybe we can honour that request?

I have to say I’m totally confused about how your DH could be unaware of how hard work your kids are… mine is totally aware of what little monsters ours can be (because he’s there experiencing it) and we roll our eyes and commiserate about it after they’re in bed.

And again, here is your DH issue, you’ve said you could tell him how you feel but no good would come of it. That isn’t what a good partner should do.

You keep deflecting and trying to steer the conversation away from your “darling” husband but that is a huge issue in your situation.

A partner should be someone you can lean on, someone who shares the load, someone who wants to know when you’re struggling, someone who wants to work together to solve the issues at hand.

Hello OP - I want to say your post has really resonated with me, especially the DP parts. I have been very miserable as a mother, with two girls and a 3 year age gap. From 1 and 4 to 3 and 6 was absolutely grim. They are 6 and 9 now.

I tried to explain to my DP but, honestly, I feel it was inconvenient to him and his time consuming hobby and he doesn't really "do" guilt. DP also earns probably x10 what I do (both professionals!), though I am PT as we just couldn't manage homework and dinner from 6pm onwards when I was working a longer day.

My DP isn't a monster, he is good fun, generous, makes our dinner every night. No-one is perfect, but he left me flailing when I needed more from him. Even now, I find parenting a boring, lonely and often incredibly stressful experience.

That said, I don't regret having two because despite the fighting (and there is a fuck ton of it) they do play together and occupy each other (and give me long periods of peace now). I love them but I think I am probably situationally depressed by parenting. No point in teaming up with mums who are my friends and their kids, because frankly it isn't much fun and I think I am pestered more?!

The squawking of my 6 year old and her whining are also destroying my nervous system. This week I am practicing saying USE YOUR STRONG VOICE every time...and it seems to be working a little!

Phew sorry it's a lot. Good luck to you xx

Yes but that was in reply to someone claiming their kids watch TV quietly while they sleep in. I don't know anyone who would leave a 2 year old entirely unsupervised while they had a peaceful lie in, do you?

It’s been worse for me, frankly. The fighting, the screaming, it’s just awful.

4 and 7 years old is widely different to 2 and 5 years old. You get that, right?

I get you OP. My two are both under four. Recently I seriously considered divorcing my husband, whom I love dearly, purely because it would mean I would have every other weekend entirely alone. Everyone says nothing is harder than the teenage years but honestly I think if I could only sleep through a few nights then I'd be able to tackle anything.

See mine is the kind that absolutely does 50/50, gets up with them at least half of morning etc. but I still feel the same as you.

Today has been pretty awful. They just want the TV on, any attempts I make to get them to play - just more fighting, screaming and hitting. And me losing my shit. The sound of DD screaming out DS name in an awful high pitched shriek is actually destroying my nervous system. I’m in fight or flight 24/7 and nothing works.

DS woke up at 2am and just randomly started yelling.

There is no place in my life where I can just be for 5 minutes with guaranteed peace. Not one. They dominate every waking hour and all night and I’m constantly on edge.

Even typing this DD has just let out a blood curdling scream from the next room and is now yelling HELP HELP over and over

Very little about this is fun or happy.

Ok so here that would just mean within seconds hearing screams, hitting noises, very likely spilt food everywhere (DD can’t even reach the food cupboards), the dog running around, and general carnage. I can’t even imagine this happening for mine who are a similar age.

I don’t baby them, I’m fairly strict, but the fighting and messing about is just so awful and relentless they would never be able to do this without hell breaking loose.

It's not a misery game ime. It's a "this shit is hard and sometimes it's really hard, I'd like you to know that". I genuinely feel better when I've shared something, even if the person can do nothing about it. Not everyone feels like that, it's OK if you don't want to share and find it easier to offload online. Don't be purturbed when people share ideas that worked for them, it really did work for me to talk about it. My H realised how hard it was the more I talked about it too. It wasn't misery games at all, it was him understanding the role I was playing in our marriage.

I'm also now questioning some of my parenting choices because I have a very sassy 10yo who (at times) is an embarrassment with his behaviour in public. It gets easier and harder in different ways. Solidarity through the shite, look for small wins every day.

OP I've 2 teens now, and bloody hell are they challenging, but I say to people time and again I'd take teens all day long rather than ever go back to the baby and toddler years.
It's the sheer endless boring relentless difficultness that is just bloody hard. And yes "this too shall pass"... But not soon enough!
I have a brilliantly supportive dh. He did at least 50%. I went back to work quite soon so had time away from them. I still found parenting the little ones exhausting, and unrewarding. I spent day after day just going through the boring motions. And looking back at it I'm sure I was never depressed. I just didn't enjoy it. I was sleep deprived and spent the majority of my waking hours negotiating over something utterly stupid or breaking up fights. Or at work.
As they get older, you will gradually get more time where they are less needy. And you will also likely start getting more sleep too.
The thing that was an absolute life saver for me was getting up and out of the house early, (hello swings in the park at 7:30am). And finding and hanging out with friends with kids a similar age. Do you go to groups, playgroups, music groups etc? The ones where you take them and sing along (which I hated but it meant at least they were stimulated and learning and not asking me what noise does a giraffe make). Eat lunch out somewhere (just packed lunch from home on a park bench or cheap community centre type place) then home for some well warmth CBeebies time. CBeebies time was when I could sit down have a cuppa and stare into space.
Sorry this is long. I wanted you to know you're not alone. My youngest tells me often that she hates me and she wishes I was dead. I'd still rather that than daily calm negotiating through gritted teeth for her to please put on her socks and if she does she'll get to choose a special sticker for her chart. Fuck that for a laugh.

It's crap and boring. You are doing your best.Soon they will be able to toddle downstairs and watch something for an hour.

Exactly. When ours wake up early (age 4 and 7), my husband and I just stay in bed. They either play together or watch TV, the oldest gets them both breakfast, they have a whale of a time. I think we're good parents and there's absolutely nothing wrong with kids entertaining themselves for an hour or so. My brother and I used to love our Saturday morning cartoons and cereal.

Maybe we're lucky because ours get on really well, although we worked very hard on their relationship right from the get go, I know there's an element of luck in temperaments too. Our oldest is very sensible and even tempered, our youngest is out of the "having to be watched every minute" danger zone and will follow his brother's example.

Asking questions like that is just a way of attention seeking when they have nothing else to say. Be firm on it. I often said 'asked and answered' if the same question is asked twice. Then say 'no more questions' after a reasonable number (4/5) and literally don't answer them, no eye contact and ignore them. I really think it should be OK to say I need quiet time just like we tell them to ask for quiet time when they get overwhelmed. Kids will push and push and they don't care if you are tired or exhausted because they only think of themselves. They won't care if you sit there sobbing from exhaustion. You have to be really firm on setting the boundaries. This takes mental effort which is difficult when you are already stressed. Schedule 5 mins peace time, get a timer. If anyone disturbs you during the time, reset it. It will take a few difficult days and then you'll have created a routine where you get 5 mins to yourself

I don't knowit it helps in any way OP, but I'm 42, don't have kids, and my life is also terrible, full of stress and struggle

Or if you have a child who likes rules. I have one of each: one child will follow any rule he is given and even the threat of a consequence is enough to deter him, and the other child… The other is going to be a barrister I’m sure 😩😂

You keep saying that you don’t want to hear that you have a DH but you quite clearly do and why don’t you want to face that?!

Having an unsupportive partner is possibly more isolating and infuriating than having no partner at all.

I can’t imagine not being able to tell my husband that I was struggling and I can’t imagine telling him and him just shrugging his shoulders like you’ve said your husband would. A proper partner would hear you and ask what can we come up with together to make life better for you. Could be the smallest change that would help.

Stop burying your head in the sand and trying to ignore the glaringly obvious.

I literally don’t even want to hear ‘awww hun; it gets better, you’ll miss this…’ as it makes me murderous!
Same @FernFaery. My eldest is 12, when is it supposed to get better? 5 years? Another 10? I don’t know if my mental health will survive another 5 years of this. I’ve tried so much to change the dynamic. I’ve worked really hard. I was a sahp until oldest went to school. Low screen time home too. Spoiling them. Punishing them. Devoting plenty of one on one time. Supporting them at school. Encouraging after school activities. Allowing them the freedom to pursue their hobbies whilst not putting pressure on them. I literally have nothing left to try except running away and leaving them to it.

It did help leaving him with them for two days including one overnight.

After that he understood!