To be absolutely depressed by parenting

When he got in at 8, did he take over the general wrangling and bedtime at that point?

I get it OP. Mumsnet really loves piling on the DH as if 1) you can change a man and/or 2) divorce solves all problems.

Well if you can't discuss it (why??) that shows something is very seriously wrong with your relationship. I guess you know this.

I'd say that's probably why you're having a horrible time, and tbh almost anything would be better than that. Sounds hellish, and no good for the kids either. It's not normal to not be able to discuss things.

I’m a teacher with a non teacher husband. I was also part time for years so I totally get it. I remember the weeks off being looooong and my husband worked very long hours (out at 6:30am, back around 7:30-8pm). His attitude was that my days off with them were sort of like a job - in that anything that fell outside those hours was split 50/50 (sleepless nights, early mornings, lie ins, clearing dinner away, cleaning I hadn’t managed to do, and anything at the weekends etc). He was also good at being supportive when I’d had a tough day - glass of wine and listening to me moan / giving me a cuddle sort of supportive. He knew that my time ‘off’ was as tricky as his job. I think that attitude made me feel less alone?

I will say though that my two have never bickered really, so I’ve always found the two together easier than one alone in many ways. I think the dynamics just worked, and we were always out and about which helped. I didn’t love the toddler years but I don’t remember hating them - I just wouldn’t do them again. I’m not sure how old you are, but I had my eldest at 27 and my second at 30 so I was fairly young which might have helped!

If your relationship is so bad that it's a case of put up with it as it is or it's over then that's the problem. Small children are difficult - that is normal. What you're struggingling with is trying to deal with a normal level of tiredness and difficulty while in a relationship that is giving you little to nothing. Do not underestimate how incredibly draining that is.

In terms of what your husband should be doing - when he comes in, he should take over. You should then go and lie down, or go out or do something not involving children. He should also have responsibility for at least some of the admin and daily grind of parenting.

This is very true in the young years, but then you can revisit that list as they get older, add all your things back on and they will actually be more fun with your kids than before:

Pub trips (you can definitely train kids into liking the pub providing you don’t expect them to sit for hours)

Days out

Holidays

Meals out (more people to share food with!)

Plus, you get to add fun stuff you wouldn’t do without kids, but that you discover is actually great - eg watching kids’ films in the cinema; picnic evenings in the park in summer

But OP surely the only answers to the DH thing are not 'do nothing' or 'divorce'? Can you discuss him helping more? Be firm about what you need him to do?

Also as someone asked above do you think you might be depressed?

I found parenting toddlers hard but at this point (3 & 5) not a relentless misery by any means, and one of mine was also very tricky at that age.

What do you have for yourself? Hobbies, friends, etc? What's happening with your career?

" I'm not a fairground ride you know"

@FernFaery Totally understand what you’re saying about no-one cares about you… little kids just think their parents exist to serve them 🤦🏻‍♀️

My DS is 5 and he still can’t quite grasp that if he climbs on me or elbows me that it hurts me, and he should apologise/ check I’m okay. He really can’t fathom it… I think it’s because kids see their parents as indestructible and it would actually be quite unsettling for them to think their of their parents could get hurt or be not okay. That’s what I tell myself anyway.. maybe mine just has no empathy..

I feel like nobody cares about me

They are primed to survive. I remember one of mine took to dancing about in his cot at about 2am. I told a young GP and the look on his face was a picture. He asked me how on earth I coped.

We really are twins, I’m due on in the next couple of days and the white hot anger I feel at virtually everything and everyone is awful.

I said to DH last night that once the kids are adult age and able to do things for themselves, that’s it. I doubt I’ll ever really feel like ‘putting anyone else first’ and will be pleasing myself, everyone else can just look after themselves. I feel like my entire life has been spent compromising on what I want to cater to other people, I’ve actually had no time to just be myself and do anything I want to do, or even be a little bit selfish (long story). Possibly 1 year when I was 24, but that’s it.

The kids came through at 6.30 as usual, and promptly started screaming and fighting over who had the most of my duvet. Of course they scrambled over me in this fight so I got elbowed hard in the right boob. Im covered in bruises from stuff like this and I really resent being a non-person where it doesn’t matter if I get injured.

I feel like nobody cares about me

People who have active, involved grandparents who take the kids overnight once a month have no idea they’re born, literally. It’s a completely different parenting planet.

I think it's child abuse. will tell you it's great parenting

Please don't be so unpleasant.

It was years ago but I'll try to respond. I was more or less on my own with them. Small age gap between. We had a routine and set bed time. Of course you can't make a child sleep and one of them cottoned on to this. Endless demands for stories and drinks and so on. I just stuck it out , over and over again.
I really sympathise, its awful.

I have an acquaintance who puts her child to bed, since she was 5 months old, at 7pm and does not open the door until 7am. Ever. Doesn't matter how much she screams. They literally close the door and never go in. Said child is 3 now, climbs out of her cot in middle of the night, trashes the room, takes off her nappy etc. They NEVER go in. Door is locked, they have a baby camera to check if she actually hurts herself badly.

I think it's child abuse. @bafta16 will tell you it's great parenting.

Very good point.

Great to hear about the sleep OP. I was convinced I had PMDD when my 2 were that age as the PMT rage I felt was awful. Worse than any post birth hormones etc. It was like my body stored it all up for the toddler years. If it help, my hormones really calmed down when the youngest was 4 so it was obviously linked to having small kids and the stress.

I think that poster’s assuming (correctly IMO) that if you’re struggling that much with your kids (who are past the most difficult baby/toddler years) then it must be because your husband isn’t pulling his weight. Most people with two parents in the family don’t find things this hard

It was very hard but I tried to be consistent and firm. It is incredibly hard.

I’m with you on this OP. I find morning hours more refreshing, always have done.

Ok so what does that look like? What did you do if they got out of bed and messed around?