To be absolutely depressed by parenting

So agree. I used to adore doing the weekly shop on my own in peace. Suddenly examining the ingredients and closely looking at food became most enjoyable.

I was so brain dead it was all i could do.
Likewise i Suddenly enjoyed flicking through house magazines, even old ones with a cup of coffee. It demanded nothing from me, so was a rest.

Me and DH compete over who gets to cook and do laundry while the other watches the toddler as they're the fun tasks 😅

Fucking nothing better than making dinner in peace. Especially something like a risotto that MUST be stirred constantly for 20 minutes so I can't go help look after DS 🤣🤣

That’s fair enough to you but I’d rather stand on Lego than go in and kiss them for my benefit and risk waking them up!

My DH ( and I when I got back late) would go up and kiss them good night.

Try again re the cleaner? I have a great person who comes as and when. I pay cash, it's not cheap but it helps my life and MH.

Understandable but I’m not sure what anyone can say really. Your problem seems to be that your DH isn’t helping enough and won’t talk about it. It’s not that parenting is depressing per se.

You in turn don’t want to talk about DH so what would like from this thread?

Oh wow this used to be me but trust me there are SO many good ones. And that’s without including all the 12 rated films (The Meg for example). We watched The Faraway Tree recently and honestly it was just so great as an adult who read all the books as a child and a parent who read them to my children when they were small. Even my teenager loved it.

Anyway, sorry OP, I digress!!

Could you get a cleaner? Are you the teacher partner? If so, that explains a great deal.
It's hideously demanding.

I remember my kids at that age, 3 and 5, both girls. They did not stop talking and asking questions, pretty much whatever we did. Any play between them involved a lot of talking, narrating and more questions. Not abnormal and nothing wrong with it, great they were so expressive and developing their language. But it is VERY wearing when it's all the time and you have no headspace to think your own thoughts because of all the questions. I'm an extrovert and don't have a lot of need for quiet time or silence but those years really tested me! Meanwhile, many other children those ages would play quietly - also normal.

I don't have any words of advice apart from get out with the kids when you can, preferably with friends who have kids similar ages so they can entertain each other! My dd are 12 and 14 and still talk a lot, but not as persistently, and obviously they are in their rooms a lot. Even so, on a car journey I sometimes ask for 5 mins of silence etc!

Hi OP. Small kids are awful at times, anyone who says they aren’t either had the perfect child or they just had one! I think what’s being missed from people asking about DH is what he does to support you when he is there - because reading the whole thread you’re trying to pour from a very empty cup. So what can you do to feel less like that? Even just putting the kids to bed and going out for a bit once he’s home. Or finding a hobby one evening a week that lets you feel like you.

A friend of mine her and her husband trade off on a Saturday, barring any family plans etc. She’s off 9-12, her kids don’t exist to her they’re with DH and she’s off. After lunch he has his 3h and it makes them both feel less murder-y. She will read, watch tv, sleep during her time usually although it can also be the window where we meet for a kid free coffee! Her husband I’ve seen him head out for a run or to meet a pal for a beer or something. It wouldn’t work for everyone but it’s an idea.

Being a teacher with small kids must be hard, you’re the default for all the holidays! Does DH take time off for some of them too? If you can afford it maybe one day a week of childcare for each kid? You’d have 2 days with just 1?

I hear you it’s hard and relentless and frankly quite boring! I have 3; 6, 4 & 1. The 4 year old is absolutely the hardest!

You asked what your DH could do. He could do any number of things, was my response, but the number one thing he could do is talk to you about how you're feeling.

No, it was the bit where you wrote:

HE CAN’T FUCKING WELL DO ANYTHING

I thought this was a reply to me suggesting counselling etc. But I think you meant it for someone else who was suggesting him helping with bedtime. So crossed wires.

But yes, him refusing to discuss it does sound shit, so that point stands.

Sorry OP, that sounds shit. No other way to put it really.

So immediate divorce isn't possible, I get that. But maybe if he won't do anything, including discuss this, it's time to get a long term plan in place. To 'get your ducks in a row' in mumsnet speak.

For different reasons I am divorced - I think when kids were small we realised deep down it probably would happen one day but couldn't do it until about 10 years later. By then financially it was just about doable and kids were much older. Not that it was a 'plan', as such, and we really tried to make it work. But just offering my experience in case it's helpful.

Why would I want to watch kids films? I’m an adult.

He could have held down the fort while you went out, folded clothes, made some food, literally a million things. He could have chatted to you about your day, like a partner.

I'm not really understanding why you're so resistant to discussing your DH.

I’m really not trying to be obtuse, but help me picture the scene:

Your DH gets home, you’ve had a nightmare day. There’s no “how was your day?”
You don’t say “god it was hard work today, they were being little monsters, blah blah”.

You just say “yes had a great day, how was yours?”

What happens when you’re both at home? Do you get to have time away from the kids at weekends etc?

@checktheoil it isn't about unloading stress - it's about negotiating another way of life that suits you all better. About asking him to step up when he can. Discussing, not unloading. Maybe you could try couples counselling if he really won't discuss it?