To be absolutely depressed by parenting

How? No one in a safe location dies from a tantrum?

This. I think sometimes kids need to just be told things in simple language. As an adult I'm not a fan of something being phrased like a question or an option when to the asker there is only one answer that's acceptable. Do you want Weetabix or shreddies? is an option. Do you want to put your shoes on so we can walk to nursery isn't.

I think kids sometimes need a kind of polite bluntness and to be told what's going to happen or that you don't like it when they grab your hair and I agree that you have to not react to the tantrums.

Have you tried a sticker chart to reinforce the positive? We're using one with my 6yo at the moment and it's like magic.

Have a "big" reward at the end and require a hefty amount of stickers to get it. Then reward for good behaviour repeatedly in the day. Eg "well done, you got your shoes on when I asked, here's a sticker". Start with it as a bribery tool "anyone who gets their shoes on in the next minute gets a sticker" and graduate up to it being a genuine reward for choosing the behaviour without the draw of the sticker. (hope that makes sense). Deliberately give out a lot to start with. Say 100 are needed for the reward and give out 7-10 on the first day.

I also want to reassure you that they won't hate you. They really won't, and you're probably shouting for less than 1% of the day, it just feels a lot.

I think you need to 1) not ask, but tell and 2) don't be so afraid of tantrums. No one is judging you (well, no one who is a parent). They need to learn that when you say no, it's no.

OP I don't think that all parts of gentle parenting work for everyone. The bit I had to drop was the twee phrasing and wanky scripts. I realised that it didn't work and worse that I was far more likely to lose my shit and shout at them off the back of saying something like "would you like to put your shoes and coat on before we go out?" and them not doing what the books said they'd do in response to a polite request. I can relate to the powerless panic feeling.

Was DH with you yesterday?

The example with the apron would have been no painting without one on. Let her tantrum, carry her to the car if needed. I remember marching my then 5yo out of a national trust, through hoardes of picnicking families whole he was screaming to get him in the car because he'd been so rude.

Your kids aren't your colleagues. They're learning about life and don't need the ambiguity of things sounding like a choice. "X it's time to brush your hair so we can go to the park". That statement isn't rude but isn't a question. If refused, follow up with "no hairbrush, no park. You have a minute to choose". Gives you a chance for a cool down in between.

Give them a go, they’ve helped me - I don’t snap in the same way I used to, I’m a bit calmer now and not feeling so ‘jagged’. I’m on 20mg fluoxetine - low dose.

Today we’ve had constant fighting (over toys. One will snatch from the other, the other will hit, then the snatcher will swipe all the toys over to ruin the whole game). DS just wants constant attention in a way that’s incredibly suffocating - he climbs on me relentlessly, not for a cuddle but just to do it. He threw his whole plate of untouched dinner on the floor then had a huge tantrum. Every meal time, ever car journey, every bed time is just fraught with stress.

I keep repeating to DH that once my youngest is 18 everyone can just sort themselves out and I won’t be providing the very high level of support everyone on here seems to give to their adult kids. I need to know there will be a time when I don’t exist simply to serve other people.

Have you tried SSRIs? Not because there’s anything wrong with you, because truly I think anyone would be depressed with chronic sleep exhaustion and being screamed at 24/7. But because they blunt the sharp bits and help with the anger/panic emotions.

Your own 2 children are not too much for one person!

How has your weekend been OP? I’ve been thinking about you, and hoping you’ve had a better few days.

Hope things get better for you OP! Bowing out of this thread now.

My second was like this.
Broke my heart with his madness.
Gorgeous little face on him, not a brat, just mad, reckless and absolutely fearless.
He nearly broke me.

He was knocked down, ran into traffic🙄at 10 and through the luck of god and the lovely man that wasn't going fast he survived it relatively unscathed.

We were absolutely shattered for weeks after it, months actually if I'm honest.

But I think the shock of it copped him on and he just calmed way way down. 15 years later he is a very successful young man and my pride and joy.
Has never ever done any risky behaviour at university etc.
He's a rock of sense really.
He nearly broke me though as a child!
I was very firm, brooked no bullshit.
He knew I meant what I said, which i thinknis very important.

They will push you and push you.

Well that was very dangerous and i would hesitate to pull in and roar at him so he knew it.

20 years ago my son kept opening his seat belt, bright child.
I kept saying no and stop it, pulling into the side of the road.
Final time I roared at him up close.
Terrible parenting.
I burst out crying.
Rang my husband to come home early as i was fxxking done.
He did.
Son never did it again.
Some days are really hard.
I don't regret roaring.
Doing dangerous stuff is not acceptable.

@checktheoil If I lived near you I'd take the children for an hour or 2. DBS in place obviously. I think some years ago there was a scheme to adopt a Grandparent.

Throwing potties? Blimey. Keep going.

Parenting small children is mind numbing. There are pockets of joy, yes, but I honestly think you have to be a bit brain dead to love every minute (or a liar). I look back with rose-tinted glasses now and honestly I feel like I did enjoy it, but at the time I was pretty fucking bored a lot of the time. The only saving grace for me was my two were pretty easy together.

It’ll pass though OP, I have a 10 and 13 year old now and I actually think they’re great - like hilarious and interesting great. I’m not sure when it changes but they go from being weird (cute) little creatures that need you for everything to actually being functioning humans you want to spend time with. I’d do the baby / toddler years 100 x over for this part: it is 100% worth it!