Page 10 | To be absolutely depressed by parenting

checktheoil · 2026-05-24T15:36:44+00:00

I don’t know if it’s just me. It often feels like it but I am absolutely depressed by parenting mine. It feels like there’s nothing good; every day longing for them to go to bed and then the same shitshow starts again the next day!

Original poster

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 08:13

FeistyFrankie · 25/05/2026 08:09

Use a reward system and remove a star/fluffy pom pom or whatever for bad behaviour

Time out chair/zone of the house

Get down to their level and have a stern word in a serious tone of voice

Some stuff I've used (have also been told it's horribly out of date, but, f it, it works)

At 3 they're old enough to understand reward charts and tend to get really into it. So they won't want to lose any of the rewards they've earned. But you also have to make sure they don't wait too long to get something for it, otherwise they'll get bored/lose interest.

Literally none of those are immediate, uncomfortable and frightening though. Possibly the last one for some children, but then you have the problem that I’ve described above; sometimes it is OK to get out of bed and find your grown up.

Mine aren’t terrible children but they are so stupid together that they forget themselves and bring out one another’s worst traits. Reward charts are hit and miss. I have one for ds(5) to motivate him with reading to me; every time he does he gets a marble in a jar and each marble is £1 but that works as it’s so specific. And it’s purely motivational.

Increasingly I am thinking 2/3 year olds are a law unto themselves! I do actually remember ds being a PITA at this age and he’s OK now; lots of energy though but that’s fine.

OP posts:

vanillachoc · 25/05/2026 08:12

SusanChurchouse · 25/05/2026 08:00

Sorry but this made me think of the Katie Kirby cartoon…..

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My DD doesn’t ask questions nicely. I get this (always when I’m trying to do something very important and time sensitive):

DD: Mummy
Mummy
Mummy
Mummy

Me: What?

DD: How old are you?

Me: I’m- (trying to answer)

DD: Mummy I’m talking.
How old are you?

Me: You ask me this 5 times a day. I’m 23.

DD: No you’re not.

Many times a day I want to tell her to fuck off.

Peonies12 · 25/05/2026 08:11

checktheoil · 24/05/2026 17:49

I do, but I’m not sure that makes life much better. It’s around 8 when they are both reliably down and then I have about an hour to eat my dinner and do anything I didn’t manage to go in the day then bed at 9. It leaves nothing, literally nothing, for personal enjoyment or pleasure. Maybe that comes later.

Why don’t you eat with them? We always eat at 6 with our toddler. Not relaxing but it leaves more evening once shes asleep between 7.30-8.

FernFaery · 25/05/2026 08:10

FeistyFrankie · 25/05/2026 08:09

Use a reward system and remove a star/fluffy pom pom or whatever for bad behaviour

Time out chair/zone of the house

Get down to their level and have a stern word in a serious tone of voice

Some stuff I've used (have also been told it's horribly out of date, but, f it, it works)

At 3 they're old enough to understand reward charts and tend to get really into it. So they won't want to lose any of the rewards they've earned. But you also have to make sure they don't wait too long to get something for it, otherwise they'll get bored/lose interest.

Did one for potty training, he didn’t care.

I do all the other things every day. They don’t care.

Original poster

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 08:09

The other thing with the Gro Clock is that you need your child to be at a stage with a certain amount of nuance. For example, DD was actually wet this morning (she is potty trained days but not nights) and her nappy was soaked through; obviously she’s been drinking more than usual in the hot weather.

So while we may all disagree on parenting styles I know no one is advocating a child being wet and uncomfortable so those circumstances it’s OK to come out of your room or call for mummy to help. But explaining yes it’s OK when you’re wet but not when you’re just bored or whatever … that’s a sophisticated sort of reasoning that two year olds just don’t have; it only really starts closer to four I would say.

OP posts:

FeistyFrankie · 25/05/2026 08:09

Use a reward system and remove a star/fluffy pom pom or whatever for bad behaviour

Time out chair/zone of the house

Get down to their level and have a stern word in a serious tone of voice

Some stuff I've used (have also been told it's horribly out of date, but, f it, it works)

At 3 they're old enough to understand reward charts and tend to get really into it. So they won't want to lose any of the rewards they've earned. But you also have to make sure they don't wait too long to get something for it, otherwise they'll get bored/lose interest.

Original poster

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 08:04

Thanks @vanillachoc . Posts like that really are helpful because when you’re on a thread and people are acting like it’s as simple just telling them to go back to bed it does make you feel lost! And I feel calmer just having read it ‘itsnotmeitsnotme’ kind of thing.

DD never used to be such an early waker; things have been a bit all over the place for a few weeks. She’s moved to a bed from a cot and at first that caused a bit of unsettled nights but now seems to have switched to mornings, it’s normally 6ish but these 530 starts are horrible.

They aren’t too bad alone but together just scream and work one another up and swipe at one another and take one another’s toys. I hate it, and I hate the fact that they don’t get me at my best. Im such a nice mum to one child 😂

@SusanChurchouse ha I relate to that cartoon

OP posts:

FernFaery · 25/05/2026 08:02

FeistyFrankie · 25/05/2026 07:52

Oh come on. There are plenty of strict consequences that don't involve abuse. Jeez

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Can you give some specific ones?

SusanChurchouse · 25/05/2026 08:00

checktheoil · 24/05/2026 17:43

@FernFaery it sounds like we’re at very similar stages actually.

Earlier today I had this barrage of questions from my five year old.

’mummy what’s nine plus nine’
’mummy what’s ten plus one’
’mummy what’s five plus six’
’mummy what’s nine plus nine’
’mummy what’s thirty two plus ninety eight’
’mummy what’s seventy three plus ninety nine’
’mummy what’s two hundred and twenty three plus ninety four’
’mummy what’s three hundred and two plus eighty seven’

Every time I’m barely given seconds to answer and my nearly three year old is asking ‘what’s this!’ (A tree.) ‘whats this?’ (A cat) ‘what’s this’ (another fucking tree) ‘what’s this’ (a leaf) and on and on and on.

And you know those things you should do? I do them.

’Ok, it’s lovely having questions but mummy needs a break from them. Let’s have some quiet please.’
‘mummy what’s three hundred and seven plus sixty four?’
’what’s this?’ (A daisy)

So when they continue I say a bit more firmly that’s enough. Still it goes on. I end up roaring WHAT when I get the next mummy. Dd cries and ds just carries on. Then they start being stupid together, climbing on one another, shoving, pushing and grabbing. I have no idea how to deal with it tbh. If I send one upstairs they just either come down or the other goes to them anyway. Maybe I need locks <tempting>

Sorry but this made me think of the Katie Kirby cartoon…..

vanillachoc · 25/05/2026 07:56

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 07:43

Honestly I don’t want to sound horrible here but a two or three year old is not going to join the dots in that way.

My DD will wake up and need a wee just as I do and she can’t get to the toilet / potty on her own yet, especially on the dark; she needs help.

My five year old yes, if you say go back to bed for a bit he will. You do get to that point, but two / three isn’t usually it.

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MN has very unrealistic ideas about what actually works to manage this sort of behaviour. I’ve never found any advice actually practical or helpful.

My 5 year old is relentless so I feel you. What I do is try to distract as much as possible - if it takes a bit of mess then so be it as long as I get some peace. For example I let her fill up the sink and play with her toys in the bathroom. I bought a rock painting kit and then we hid them in the park. I bought cheap items (she’s into KPop Demon Hunters at the moment so I bought little sticker packs and mystery figurines, and also bubbles and a football) to use as either bribes or threats, e.g if you don’t walk with me nicely or you don’t play nicely, you won’t get to have my mystery prize. It kept her curious and well behaved so that she could find out what they were, and then kept her entertained afterwards.

In regards to the sleep issue, unfortunately kids just have boundless energy that simply has to start at 4am - I went through it with DD from about 18 months and she still wakes around 5 now. I ended up sticking the telly on until my wake up time. People who moan about screen time don’t know what it’s like to have it as the only option to get some bloody sleep.

Original poster

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 07:54

FeistyFrankie · 25/05/2026 07:52

Oh come on. There are plenty of strict consequences that don't involve abuse. Jeez

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Please give me some then. An immediate one, that a 2/3 year old will get: not ‘in four hours, at 10am, we will not be going to the park.’

OP posts:

Fivebyfive2 · 25/05/2026 07:52

FernFaery · 25/05/2026 07:33

I know you mean well but bloody baking with a 3 year old? Not only will he spill and tip over EVERYTHING, I will then be honour bound to let him eat whatever sugary crap we’ve made, sending him into a hyper frenzy as I clean up the absolute mess we’ve made spending £20 to make 10 ‘cupcakes’.

As for ‘modelling behaviour’ do you think I spend my days inspiring him by leaping on sofas, tipping sand over my own head and roaring like a lion?

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TBF that all sounds like more fun than puzzles and baking anyway (maybe minus the sand over head incase it gets in eyes) 🤣

Mine is 6 with additional needs so late nights, broken nights, early starts, zoomies and repetitive questions/monologues are basically our base line.

Whilst I can honestly say I've never "hated" any stage, I will say we've had to find our rhythm to get by and it's always changing. We're currently in a caravan, having a fab time despite him not sleeping until almost 11pm (heat, different place etc making sleep even more tricky than usual) but I remember being away with him when he was 4 and almost coming home about 3 times because everything just felt like a disaster.

Original poster

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 07:52

FernFaery · 25/05/2026 07:49

Agree, we simply got smacked as kids and as much as it was ‘not nice’, it was a last resort parenting tool that stopped whatever silliness was going on at the time. It’s now illegal, so short of pleading with them or removing a toy that they don’t care about anyway, what is there? There is no ‘ultimate consequence’ any more.

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There isn’t and I kind of wish people were more honest about this. I don’t like it and I’m not saying I want a return to those days because I don’t, but I wish people were honest that this means sometimes there’s not a whole lot you can do about your child’s behaviour other than wait for them to come out of a particular stage.

OP posts:

FeistyFrankie · 25/05/2026 07:52

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 07:43

Because hitting children isn’t very nice really. And illegal in three out of four UK countries.

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Oh come on. There are plenty of strict consequences that don't involve abuse. Jeez

FernFaery · 25/05/2026 07:52

Exactly, if we actually ‘made ourselves unavailable’ what then happens when they ask for a drink or help using the potty? Do we ignore this? Because I bet my bottom dollar that would also be very frowned upon.

Original poster

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 07:50

@distinctpossibility i am slightly worried mine seem to have actually lost the ability to watch TV. DD has just been charging manically from room to room this morning. She never used to be like this. I do think she’s overtired actually but it’s very difficult to address.

Thing is with the ‘I am not available to you right now’ - you are, I mean, I’m guessing you wouldn’t ignore a request for a drink or breakfast or the toilet or whatever. And as I said earlier, asking mine nicely just doesn’t work. I really wish it did as life would be so much nicer if they just accepted mummy has had enough of questions, but they don’t and push me until I’m at my limit.

@Happytaytos you don’t and that’s just wilfully misunderstanding what I’m saying to try to make me look stupid. I tell you what, you give me a deterrent - a really strong one that any child over the age of three would be terrified for you to use that would guarantee they do not dare get out of bed or wake an adult before 630 or whatever. Not missing a day out (that I’ve probably already paid for) or losing a toy or being taken silently back to bed (which can very quickly become a hilarious game for toddlers) but something that will assuredly work.

OP posts:

FernFaery · 25/05/2026 07:49

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 07:39

Of course they do.

The thing with the strict rules thing is it only works if the consequence of breaking that strict rule is one that is so severe they don’t dare. We don’t have that at our disposal.

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Agree, we simply got smacked as kids and as much as it was ‘not nice’, it was a last resort parenting tool that stopped whatever silliness was going on at the time. It’s now illegal, so short of pleading with them or removing a toy that they don’t care about anyway, what is there? There is no ‘ultimate consequence’ any more.

Velumental · 25/05/2026 07:49

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 07:20

I can only think this post is a wind up

DD has been up since 530. Utterly miserable and wretched at the moment. Hating life.

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Is your husband asleep while this is happening? In our house if stay until 6.39 hen wake my husband who'd do 6.30-7.30 so I could get an hour extra sleep. Is that an option ?

ACynicalDad · 25/05/2026 07:48

I used to ask my mum Why? Why? Why?… at this age, it did stop somewhere between 3 and 45. It will get better, inquisitive kids is no bad thing in the long run, but feel for you now.

Happytaytos · 25/05/2026 07:47

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 07:43

Honestly I don’t want to sound horrible here but a two or three year old is not going to join the dots in that way.

My DD will wake up and need a wee just as I do and she can’t get to the toilet / potty on her own yet, especially on the dark; she needs help.

My five year old yes, if you say go back to bed for a bit he will. You do get to that point, but two / three isn’t usually it.

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Apologies thought it was the 5yo getting you up.

3.5yo definitely is gro clock OK, 2 isn't.

You don't need to smack to use a gro clock....

FernFaery · 25/05/2026 07:47

Happytaytos · 25/05/2026 07:40

Dig into why they're ignoring. Consequences for ignoring "we're not doing X that you'd enjoy because mummy's too tired as you woke her up". Fair enough if you'd consistently tried for months and they ignored it. But it's worth a try.

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They wouldn’t care. DS has already lost his ice cream privileges for the entire bank holiday for throwing and smashing a toy (I told him the consequences as he went to do it, he did it anyway).

distinctpossibility · 25/05/2026 07:45

My husband and I made a deal that I would do the wake ups every day because I am better in the mornings, but that I would get a 2 hour nap each weekend day. Also between 6am and 7.30am is 'quiet time' so I basically just zone out and DC play quietly or, more realistically, watch TV. I chose a specific phrase "I am not available to you right now" for the intense questions during this time.

I have 4 DC in 7 years but I didn't return to work until the last one turned two... during my time at home with them, my sleep was an absolute priority. My youngest is now 7 and he is (and has been for quite a while) a delightful companion, very funny and interesting and we have proper conversations, albeit about wrestling and the Titanic which would not be my first choices, but they are genuine cohesive conversations. Hang on in there, there isn't a secret cheat code you're missing, it is just hard. But do try and get some sleep!

Original poster

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 07:43

Happytaytos · 25/05/2026 07:40

Why don't you?

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Because hitting children isn’t very nice really. And illegal in three out of four UK countries.

OP posts:

Original poster

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 07:43

Happytaytos · 25/05/2026 07:40

Dig into why they're ignoring. Consequences for ignoring "we're not doing X that you'd enjoy because mummy's too tired as you woke her up". Fair enough if you'd consistently tried for months and they ignored it. But it's worth a try.

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Honestly I don’t want to sound horrible here but a two or three year old is not going to join the dots in that way.

My DD will wake up and need a wee just as I do and she can’t get to the toilet / potty on her own yet, especially on the dark; she needs help.

My five year old yes, if you say go back to bed for a bit he will. You do get to that point, but two / three isn’t usually it.

OP posts:

Happytaytos · 25/05/2026 07:40

checktheoil · 25/05/2026 07:39

Of course they do.

The thing with the strict rules thing is it only works if the consequence of breaking that strict rule is one that is so severe they don’t dare. We don’t have that at our disposal.

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Why don't you?