Mum has new boyfriend, lost interest in kids

It’s perhaps not as dramatic but lots of women ditch their friends when they meet a new man - perhaps that has happened to you op? Being with the man and spending all their time and energy with the man becomes the most important thing in their lives. It makes sense to me that that way of being would also happen with some women where their children are concerned too. I’d imagine to answer the question if it is similar then when the relationship breaks down then the mother would have the time and energy for her children but would drop them again when the next man comes along.

Many/ most women are socialised to put men first and that having and keeping a man is the most important thing in a woman’s life. Lots of women on here say they love their husband more than their dc which is nuts to me but there you go.

My mum has done this in her 50s. Binned off all of her previously close sort of grown up children to shack up with a younger man. And yes she is a narcissist but no one saw that shit coming.

Permanently damaging relationships with her children for what will inevitably fizzle out with a fucking deadbeat.

I can't remember the author (male!) who said it but it went along the lines of "some women are more woman than mother" and it rings true I think. Their "womaness" in a sexual way is more likely to lead them into situations with men that can result in children, but they won't necessarily have the supposedly associated mothering instinct?

Isn't this just bog standard human variability?

I think you've focused a bit too much on hormones. The bonding/ cuddle hormone is oxytocin and is both male and female. In this case the female would also get an oxytocin boost from the new male.

Prolactin is mainly involved in lactation.

Imo it's just some people being damaged themselves, selfish, suffering with poor mental health, any combination of the above.

Some people are feckless shits who abandon their children. Some are women. More are men. Society is more shocked than women do it- but maybe we shouldn't be?

I think it’s likely related to a personality disorder and/or attachment issues. Basically, women who are so dysfunctional and broken that they will throw away real unconditional love for the highs and lows, because drama feels familiar and safer than proper safe love of a child.

It’s not the same because I was an adult (though if my mum had dated when I was a child, I do wonder what might have happened to me), but my mum met a man who is a convicted paedophile (he sexually abused his daughter). Basically, she had the choice of this loser or a relationship with me and her grandchildren (I’m her only child). I was an adult, but she gladly chose him and walked away from her whole family. Haven’t seen her in over 6 years. I don’t even know where she lives anymore.

It blows my mind. But she had a traumatic childhood with a narcissist brother (like a proper narcissist) who terrorised the family and her whole self worth is based on pandering to men to keep the peace. She saw a man with a lot of drama around him who needed saving and running towards that and throwing away her family probably felt really familiar. It’s what she’s done her whole life. No thought for the children left in her wake.

That’s desperately sad, but so true. I could never imagine being like this with my dd.

Women can and are just as bad as men. Who lets these evil men who abuse the kids into the lives. The mothers.

Self-centred, is that not what it's called? I know a few mothers who have put their kids at the bottom of their pile.
I was a sp for many years and yes I would've liked the company of a man, many a night but I chose to put them at the top of my pile.
Some people are just shit mothers

I think in a lot of these cases they are desperately needy, damaged women who will do anything to feel loved - and that's why they had children in the first place. Lots of women desperate to feel valued and loved think that children will be the ideal solution, as they will give them unconditional love. But it's actually the parent who is supposed to love unconditionally. Very little babies can't argue back and are entirely dependent, but children are often hard work, ungrateful, rude to their parents (and all of that is entirely developmentally normal and appropriate). You also get a lot of positive attention from other people when pregnant or with a tiny baby that fades away as the child becomes older. So I think these women become disillusioned with the idea that the children will fix them and make them feel wanted and special, but still have that desperate need for that and so go back to trying to get that attention and validation from men - and at that point the children are just in the way.

This intrigues me too OP!

Especially because they were doting, loving and dedicated mothers beforehand.

It's different to those who were neglectful and resentful from the birth of their kids. These ones are seemingly the opposite. Like a switch suddenly flicked out of nowhere.

I'd love for there to be a deep interview with several of them to properly ask the questions to gain some kinda understanding.

And no, absolutely not the case for my mother.

I’m sorry this was your childhood too. It’s shit, absolutely.
But, I remember being about 10 and thinking….i just don’t want to be anything like either of them.
As an adult, I….sort of…..get it. The divorce was messy, neither of them were particularly emotionally intelligent so they both entered into frankly unsuitable relationships with the first people that would take them. They wanted to “move on” and the children were an unhappy reminder. Not great when you’re 9 yrs old and no one wants you, but there you go.
As I understand it, they have stayed in those relationships. Miserable, bitter and unhappy is what I hear.
But me? I’ve turned out nothing like either of them. My family looks….so very different from the one I had growing up. My DC are safe, loved, and happy. I am the polar opposite of both of them. I am happy, I’m decent, I’m kind, I’d never, ever do what they did. And I’m massively proud of that.
So, I don’t know how to label it, other than “something I would never do”.

I'll bet you a pound to a penny that women who do this, have been traumatised by males growing up throughout their lives.

Maybe they were 'performative parents' and once single parent reality hit they thought their best option was to 'snag a man' first whilst intending to revert back to 'performing' as a parent.

My mother did this, on a much less severe scale. New man appeared….we were fed and clothed but utterly ignored and treated like a huge inconvenience. It was a miserable childhood but she is seemingly baffled about why we are all NC/LC with her.