AIBU to want one child-free weekend after two extra weeks together

He wants to spend as much time as possible with his son, which is normal (I’d be the same if I didn’t have full residency of my kids!). You don’t feel the same way, because he’s not your son. Also normal. It’s not an issue of either of you being unreasonable, more just that you aren’t compatible. It’s a shame, but better to find out now before you get too involved.

WTF?! @Feis123 🤣🤣🤣

This is the issue when taking on a man who has a young child in tow...
When the child is with you, who is doing most of the care? You, or the child's dad?
That should give you an answer as to whether this turns out to be a deal breaker or not.

Yes he us unreasonable.

hes unreasonable not to allow his child to spend the weekend with his mum when he hadn't seen her for a fortnight.

he's unreasonable not to WANT to spend 1/52 weekends with the OP on their own. IF he wants a relationship & not just a live in nanny for his child.

When it's the two of you and his child who is doing the bulk of looking after the child, who plays with him, who does bath/bedtime, who cook/cleans up after him, sorts the laundry/sorts child's clothes? Who arranges days out/entertainment, who takes the kid to the park? Is your partner present or is watching TV/scrolling his phone while you entertain his child? As someone else on here has suggested I'd be making sure I was busy for some days when he's with his child, just leave them to it, don't help out. At all. Go out and do what you want. Explain the child is there to spend time with him not you. Be fully prepared for the relationship to deteriorate rapidly. If it does, it was never about him wanting to be with his child, it was about roping you in to make his life easier and get you nicely tied in to raise his kid. Don't be an idiot here op, this is your life too. You didn't bring this child into the world. He did.

Molefox has it, I think. Op is being told to put her boyfriend’s child* before her own and her family’s needs at all times he is with them.

*not that child’s needs, but what the father has decreed are his needs

@Feis123

no. Life is just too short to stay in a loveless unhappy marriage just for the kids. Would you want your own offspring wasting their lives in that way??

Yeah he does.

won't parent his own child alone, ever.

won't allow the child to spend a weekend with his mum when she's been away for a fortnight.

Sounds wonderful

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

I think the point you (and others) are missing is that the father of the child is getting arsey because the OP doesn’t want to spend the weekend with them. She would prefer to have a weekend off which he has not agreed to - that’s his choice I suppose like you you @sprigatito he may just want to spend more time with his son (if we’re being kind and giving him the benefit of the doubt) - but why then is @Claudiaas not entitled to go and spend time with her friends or do something without them. He is insisting they spend all their time as a 3. I’ve been away from my 2 year old for more than a weekend without her father and he respected that and wanted me to enjoy myself! That’s the but that I can’t get my head around. It’s not simply just a case of dad wants to spend time with his kid and SM Wants 1:1 time with dad. The father here is telling OP that she should only make plans with her friends and family who live 2hrs away when his son isn’t there!

I think it’s absolutely crazy that you spend every single weekend with your stepchild and you feel you can’t go and visit friends and family during that time. When do you get the time to do something for yourself? Can you pop into town for an afternoon? Go out for lunch or a swim or a walk on your own? What about go out for a drink with a friend on a sunny Sunday afternoon now and again? OP, if you can’t do any of those things, or anything else you want to do, you are in an abusive relationship.

I’m guessing he needs you there to make the dinner, do DSS laundry, suggest and arrange activities, so he can be present but essentially opt out of the hard work but get all the credit for being a great Disney dad.

Bullshit. He’s not her child. If she has her own child and her partner doesn’t like her visiting her family and friends because that would mean not being available 24/7 for him and your child, then she should dump the controlling lazy jerk, take her child and leave. Same situation here, except it’s not her child so she should dump the jerk, and leave.

@Feis123 you have a history of making very weird posts on relationships and sex. Very weird. So I will just skirt over your posts and I suggest others do the same! *

A child does not give half a shit about marital bliss or otherwise of his or her parents, as long as these parents behave in a civilised way. All the child cares about is mum and dad and the child, i.e. full family. I understand it does not suit the selfish narrative of contemporary parents, where it is 'us before them', but in a normal world it should be 'them before us'. This obviously does not apply to abusive marriages, but all that shit 'ohhh, I fell out of love/she put on weight and does not look at me the same way my secretary does, etc. is just that - self-indulgent, selfish shit, not worthy of a human being.

That doesn't mean you can't enjoy a weekend away child free when a family member has offered to have them (& in this case it's the child's mum who hasn't seen him for a fortnight!!)

you are being totally reasonable, don’t worry.
in my opinion your fella the whole ‘just two incompatible people/needs’ argument when he also threw a tantrum at your suggestion for him and the son to go away just the two of them. that’s what moves this into unreasonable (him) territory. he’s not allowing you any option which isn’t to be there with him and his son that weekend, which is too much.

I think there’s nothing wrong at all with wanting to take advantage of a child free weekend. I have DC and we’ve enjoyed the occasional child free weekend. It’s not like you are complaining about having the DSS every weekend or anything. Your BF getting the hump if you’re not around when he has DSS is a bit of a fed flag though, quality 1-1 time for them is important, in the same way that I or DH spend time 1-1 with DC.

That's what we hope but not always the case. My in-laws never had our children overnight, only our nieces (a whole different story). My parents on the other hand were fantastic so we got lucky that way. I know many couples where they are on their own with no help from family.

I can see why you feel it’s reasonable to want a weekend to yourselves after an unusually long stint with a child who isn’t yours. I can also see why your DH thinks that’s unreasonable - that’s his actual child, not his stepchild, so the normal, default number of weekends he’d expect to see him is “all of them” - the time is split because the parents aren’t together, not because he doesn’t want him half the time.

This is why stepfamilies are often fraught and sometimes don’t work out. You don’t have the same relationship to this child and neither of you can really understand how the other feels about him.

If I only saw my dc 2/7 then I wouldn’t give up any time I had just to have time without them. I also wouldn’t date someone with a 5 yo because I don’t want to be around someone else’s 5yo more than a few times a year. It’s not a case of one of you being right and the other one being an arsehole - you just want different things and have different priorities.

Because then he'd actually have to look after his own child 😳. So he's told her she's selfish & needs to go as a 'famiky if 3'

hes just a lazy twat getting free childcare at the OP's expense

I think some people on mumsnet can be very harsh as soon as you’re a step parent. Honestly, this relationship won’t work for you. Time to cut your losses and find someone else.
My husband and I have 3 joint kids, no step kids etc and when we have grandparents visiting (as they’re abroad) or we visit them, we take a break without the kids. It’s rare as we have no family nearby but having an odd weekend as just a couple in a year is not out of the ordinary.
Some people here just like to be nasty when it comes to step parent and step kids.
it’s crazy that your DSS’s mum never has him on any weekend but you’re being called mean for just wanting a weekend alone.
Him also making you feel guilty when you go and see your family, etc is a massive red flag 🚩

Fuck that. I don’t spend every weekend with my own children let alone someone else’s. And he gets arsey if you want to do something alone? Not a chance I’d continue this relationship, it sounds suffocating.

OP the fact he won’t solo parent his DS is a massive red flag - he wants his DS with him as much as possible, fine, but also you need to be there too so you can be a family for 3? Nope.

This is a man who wants you around to help him parent his child.

So he and DS can go to the caravan but you’re not going to. In fact I’d make plans for at least one day of every weekend for the next month, repeat over and over - DSS is here to spend time with his dad not his dad’s girlfriend. You two need quality time. DSS is here to see you not me, I’ve got plans. DSS has two parents and I’m not one of them.

You may find your DP doesn’t really enjoy having to look after his DS all by himself and also doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a women who is stopping doing free childcare.

Oh I know you! The one Who posts stuff like I said during the first few dates that I am not dating, I am future husband interviewing. On the first date I also said that I am not sleeping before marriage, I am not looking 'to have a good time' which usually equals for a man living with him, giving him sex and other comforts without any obligations on his part, etc. I also specified my sex preferences during those few dates. My fully English friends called me a 'freak' and I could not give less of a shit.

and And how vile to read on MN - 'I am a woman, I sent sexy pics and sex videos to my partner'. Aye, sick fuck you and sick fuck your partner who enjoys it. Shame those videos and sexy pics don't go to your children/bosses/friends/neighbours by mistake. Sick fucks. The lot of you who do it.

and basically seems to have a very very unhappy family home life BUT holds her head up because she and her husband haven’t split up. Sounds blissful, just heavenly for the kids 😆

Obsessive for wanting to be an active parent in his son’s life and spend every available moment with them?