Are my friends ungrateful and spoilt or am I unreasonable?

There's nothing worse than a martyr. You should have just said to her that it sounds as though it would be easier to pay a garage to sort the car out. You might have found that the Dad takes over and then everyone has to hear about it. Your friend who doesn't cook, obviously was never taught as a tween/teen and expected to pitch in. When she moved back home, agreements should have been put in place, by her parents. I think that families should be able to help each other out, financially. It's a shame you haven't had that, I didn't either. But most people with involved parents do better in life. Life is easier for everyone in supportive, extended, families. That includes the elderly. You comparing your friend not potentially being a good parent, because she misread something is ridiculous.

deleted as wrong thread

OP- I know EXACTLY what you mean. I lost both my parents when I was young.

It blows my mind how many of my friends are unable to live without their parents bailing them out constantly. My best friend (and I love her so much so it's not me slagging her off) is like this.

She has both her parents still alive and they do everything for her. They drop her son off at school, they pick him up, she goes on holiday without him, they finance her, they help her with her household stuff, they are constantly on the phone if she needs help etc. I mean, great, it's lovely, but it actually hasn't helped her at all. She is a grown woman with a husband and perfectly capable of handling her life as an adult but she is completely enmeshed with her parents.

I never had any childcare or help with my children and she once said to me - I dont know how you started your business, I could never do that!

I know exactly how I did it- because I am fiercely independent - I literally had no choice in the matter and whilst its heartbreaking to me my parents arent here, the only tiny benefit has been that its forced me to become highly capable and resilient in my life.

Evidentially, these parents that you speak of didn’t encourage their children that if they wanted something they needed to save up for it…….like generations of others have done and still do! My siblings and I had to earn our pocket money by helping with chores as did our own children and now the grandchildren. It isn’t slave labour or exploitation, it is teaching and encouraging them to value things. Showing them that things don’t just drop in your lap at the first request.

I am married with a good job and a family, but my parents still love to help us if they can. Whether childcare when kids were younger or financially to help us out with specific projects or future savings for kids. To be clear we don’t ask, they offer. They treat my sibling and I equally.

Take the reprimand. It was justified

My parents are amazing, I'm in my 40s and still get a lot of support from them, mainly emotional but also financial - I don't actually need the financial support but my parents are kind and enjoy treating us

I will do the same for my dds, fund cars, help with house deposits, they already know they have you full support and a home for life. And we all appreciate and are grateful for everything.

I'm sad you didn't have that support, it should be the norm. If your friends aren't grateful for their parents and any help they get I suspect they aren't great people in other aspects

I also think it's very odd to be so dependent on your parents at that age.
However, it's also very odd not to be in contact with your own parents!

Both people I know who have gone non contact with their parents due to their supposed abusive upbringings have scant reason to complain.

I have to question the parents in these situations (other than the car fixing dad - I think that's normal). My kids are adults that still live at home but are expected to pitch in with chores, do their own laundry etc. They pay some keep but I have drummed into them that this is the cheapest accommodation they can get and as such they should be saving in order to become fully independent.

I think you sound jealous that other people have family who are wiling to support them. My family would do anything for me.

I left home at 19 and have been completely independent ever since. But I came from an upbringing where I didn’t get picked up from nights out or driven to hobbies. I had to organise myself completely from about the age of 13.
I would have loved parents like some of my friends have who do drop everything for their kids/ bail them out/ clean their house. My mum once babysat (a very rare occasion) and my draining board was stacked high as I hadn’t had time to put pots away. I got home from the hospital about 5 pm needed to jump straight into cooking for 3 kids and she had laid all the pots over my hob and side to make a point they should be put away the same day. So I had to move them all to be able to cook.

Unfortunately my dh isn’t a drop everything for the kids person (also refuses help from his parents even if it’s me it makes life harder for not him) I try to be but Im disabled as is our youngest child so o have a lot going on. Both elder dc in-laws are fab though.

do you feel better for that?

I don't think I could be friends with people like this, their immaturity would just piss me off immensely.

i probably think that way because my dad died at the age of 50

i guess you feel the way you do @secretgoose because of your relationship with your parents.

actually i find it nice when i hear dad's doing stuff for their adult offspring

My mum kicked me out at 18. We get on fine but she's never been an 'active' parent. Neither has my dad. They will occasionally give me money. But I don't ask for it. But that's all the 'help' I get. They aren't there emotionally at all. I think what you are describing is spoiled kids BUT also represents how some people are actually parented and feel comfortable asking for help. This is something I can't do. Your cases are extreme but I find it odd when my MIL wants to make me a cup of tea! I'm like, 'nah your alright I'll do it myself! '

it took me years to realise that some parents are actually up for this stuff! Now that I have my own kids I can see how little parenting actually happened in my house. We were just sort of left to get on with it. Then left at uni age and never returned. Interestingly my siblings and I live miles away from them now!

so YANBU thinking your friends are a bit childish. BUT I totally get why you are jealous at the same time!

I see your point entirely, BUT it’s worth being aware that many parents can’t let go of the parenting role. They need it for their own self-esteem, so their child is never made to fully individuate, or learn life lessons on their own!

In a way, it’s a form of parental neglect to try to stay SO involved in your adult child’s life, and not empower them to go out into the world.

I think in therapy sometimes it’s called enmeshment?

Therefore, in a way, your mum (harsh as she undoubtedly was, and I’m very sorry for you in the situation) did also (whether intentionally or not) give you the freedom to learn on your own terms and carve out your own identity.

I’m torn OP - I think your friends should obviously be grateful and also help out too.
My parents had tough lives and very little support but now they’re still so supportive of me and my family and drop everything in a heartbeat to help us. We don’t take the p and are very grateful and I love how close we are.
Hopefully, as you know what a lack of support etc is like, you’ll know what you’d have loved and be able to offer that for your children.
My DH had an awful childhood. He literally housed his mum and sister at 18 and paid a mortgage. He wasn’t used to parents being parents but he knows he’d never expect that of his own kids and wants them to be able to have their own lives, with us supporting and helping them rather than the other way around.

I left home at 17 and got very little help from my parents. I'm very independent to the point I find it impossible to ask for help.

I've been much more supportive and generous with my children, knowing how the opposite feels. I do have boundaries though.

I don't see anything wrong with multi-generational living, as long as it works for everyone. It's common in many cultures. That said, my parents are never living with me.

Same left home at 18. I find any adult reliant on parents really odd and childish. But maybe it’s because we never had that.

Well, we don’t ask to be born.

Everyone is different - have you travelled much, talked to different people about their live experiences, read books?

it’s a big world out there. I have a friend who who has an amazing career and travels the globe. She lives with her parents in her forties. It works for them all. Lots of people have different approaches to life. Not everyone moves into their own home at a young age. It’s great you and your daughter have chosen the path of young home ownership (I did the same), but why judge others who take a different approach?

i can name a few ridiculous life choices, and living with your parents isn’t one of them.

Ok, I get it - so your extra relevant information is that you know she assumed her parents would save her from losing £50.

Edit - just seen your recent post clarifying