Are my friends ungrateful and spoilt or am I unreasonable?

This is probably a way of passing over money in a way that the taxman won't see it, and won't be liable for future inheritance tax at 40%.
I've found myself thinking similarly....

I understand why you’re jealous because I’m in the same boat as you with no parental support. My dad died when I was 12 and I left home when I was 16 because of physical and emotional abuse. Everything I have is down to my grit and grabbing every opportunity with both hands.

It’s normal and healthy for parents to want to help their children though. And we all moan about the people we live with, I definitely moan about my husband sometimes! Their children might seem ungrateful but people often don’t fully appreciate what they’ve always had, we’re sensitive to thst because we haven’t had it so we’d really appreciate it if we did.

Agreed. Its your friends attitudes that are the problem. The majority of parents like to help their children in any way they can. I dont think there is anything wrong in helping children financially. Also nothing wrong with the father fixing his daughters car. Its what most parents would do if they could. What is wrong is the daughter moaning about him, thats awful. Your other friend who does fuck all to help whilst living at home sounds horrid. I lived at home in my 20s for a while but did all of the cooking, helped around the house and paid rent. It just seems like you have 2 friends that aren't nice people tbh and I'm surprised that selfishness hasn't extended to you as their mate as well as their parents.

I agree with you.

I am lucky enough to have wonderful, caring parents who I absolutely know would use their last penny to help me if I needed it and it is for that very reason that I want to make sure I stand on my own two feet and don't take advantage of it. It's actually a much nicer feeling to be able to treat them with my own grown-up, big girl money(!) than the other way around.

They also help me out with babysitting whenever I ask and would never say no and FOR THAT REASON I try not to ask too much. Because I don't take advantage (I hope) they actively offer randomly which is lovely for all of us.

The number of adults I know - including some of my own friends - who seem to be incapable of running their own lives one way or another really annoys me too, OP, despite a different background!

I think it can be more complex than this. Parents can do things for their kids but the relationship still be strained due to various reasons.

All lovely things to do for their children, and understandable, I hope one day I can both treat my kids and help them practically whenever I can, but yes, your friends attitudes are horrible. I suppose I just can’t really see myself being friends with people so.. negative and entitled.
I consider myself to be very independent and I don’t ‘need’ anyone really but my lovely mum will buy me little treats here and there (I’m currently wearing a beautiful new dress she bought me last week!) and my older brother helps me with my car when it’s a relatively minor fix, he always offers and gets a bit offended if I decline… I pay him in cake 😂 BUT I am so grateful for them and it’s reciprocal insofar as I help them whenever I am able to, as it’s needed.

It’s arrested development and is sadly quite common in younger millennials and Gen Z in particular.

I’m 33 and I’ve been independent since 16. Whilst I realise this is not usual, I do think it’s made me stronger and more resilient than those still overly reliant on parents into their 30s. I wonder what will happen to them if their parents get sick… It’s not attractive either way, I think adults over 25 should get their shit together and be able to look after themselves.

@Thisisit26 I agree, there’s a balance between raising independent people but being there for support. My mum has always said how much she resented her very well off dad for not helping her more when she really struggled in the 80s/90s, it was almost like a point of control for him. I remember we went months without a car in a very rural area while he was sat on hundreds of thousands of pounds, I’m sure plenty of people here would say “so what”, but it hurt my mum, and she would never, ever see us struggle if she could help. And I will be the same with my children.

Until my parents passed away, this was me. I have no idea how they managed to be so encouraging towards independance, and managing your own problems. But always there.

Given they clearly muddled along as best they could in the world where girls didnt want to get married at 18, but have careers and their own homes, the worry of how this would work - no one to live and share life with, perhaps no dc! Must have been hard. Such a different way of social norm they chose to suck up and support despite misgivings.

I miss them very much. Op, your mates sound entitled. Also, make friends with people outside your age!

This is lovely and that support has carried you through even after , it’s like a different universe when you don’t have it . Having a background like that makes you stable and happier , it’s a natural consequence of having security and support in your life before.

I think you a being a bit unreasonable. Nobody knows what actually goes on in families.
My friend is NC with her parents, up to her of course. Her parents to me looked like they were very loving but not really capable of some things and not respectful of her boundaries. She cut contact in the time I have known her.
My parents were extremely flawed and my childhood was a bit chaotic but they were loving and I know they did their best. I have good, but not uncomplicated, relationships with them.
My friend probably thinks I have the moon on a stick by comparison, but she doesn’t have to deal with the same things that I do and vice versa.

I would have thought the same as you a few years ago but honestly I’m a few years ahead of you with two teens and a 10 year old and feel a bit differently. My husband and I have done absolutely everything on our own , not a cent with help or a second of practical support with our 3 dcs. Yes, it’s made us independent and resilient and totally self sufficient but honestly, it’s been stressful and wearing…..
Having absolutely no back up or knowing if times are tough I can call on a mum to let me stay a bit or just give me some support is hard. I used to look at how easy other people found life and if you have that support around you , that scaffold life is so so much easier for you so of course they are naturally less stressed and more content .
I want to be there for my kids and I won’t have a cut off at 18, I hope they’ll be able to call me at any stage for support .
I do see your point on being 30 something and the above situations , it is a bit pathetic. I think in some cases there’s a bit of arrested development going on and I think people are younger in their heads now than in reality ! I’m not even that old but I can see that at the moment but overall there parents are just being there for them . I think some of what you feel might be a bit of sadness, I remember thinking how pathetic it was that my friend went shopping and hung out with her mum a lot but I was just sad and jealous as I never had that 🤷‍♀️

My dad loved fixing things, it was how he showed his love and so I’d ask him for help with things I was perfectly capable of doing as it made him happy and feel involved in my life. So I totally understand the car example.

The holiday thing is wild to me though.

My parents often helped me and I helped them, we were very close. When they got older and eventually died when I was 42, I just got on without them, it was great having the love and support, the backup, it didn’t mean that I couldn’t live without their support, it was lovely having it.
I think it’s just one of those things that you don’t notice when it’s the natural order for your family.
My DM was an active mother for all of us until she died. She enjoyed it, we were her thing, we looked after her too.

The fact that a parent paid for an adult child' holiday doesn't mean they aren't independent.

Thinking about it, it makes more sense to give your children financial help over the years, than try to suddenly depleat assets, when elderly and even come unstuck (as on a recent thread) because you've tried to dodge inheritance tax. If my Mum had have helped with school uniforms etc after I was widowed, I could have made different choices around working/studying. I didn't need the inheritance I got in my 50's. My sister certainly didn't. It's sad to see people without help. When children are listening to what their friends were treated to be GPs/Aunts/Uncles etc and they don't have that, they do feel it. During the 90's, Mothers were becoming increasingly isolated. Parenting was never done in isolation, without outside/wider support. Some people have to pay people to do, what family is willing to do. Are we supposed to reject family?

My Mil is generous and helpful but my dh has never taken her for granted and helps her out as well + spoils her. I think that if he would have acted like a spoilt brat she wouldn't have been as lovely and generous so it's part of his education to think about others and appreciate what others do for him.

My parents haven't been present in my life so I have nothing to compare with.

But paying for it isn’t if the adult has a job.

I used to work with a 35 year old teacher who had her dad’s credit card in her purse. I said oh that’s nice , is that if you’re ever really stuck somewhere or something. She said no I get my petrol and food on it!!

You views seem very coloured by jealousy. I agree the second friend should be contributing around the house but not sure what the problem is with the first or third friend. The first friend just didn't read the terms and conditions snd her parents decided to help her. Helping out with a car is pretty normal too.

I think some parents miss the point which is our sole job is to bring up independent adults.

She literally said that in her op. That's not her issue..

I understand the eye rolling at the middle one, no 30 something year old should be in a situation where parents are still cleaning, cooking etc.

The last point the moaning is off obviously, but that kind of help is pretty standard in my world.

But the money, we are a high earning household with a mortgage and teens but my mum will still sometimes lend us money lol. Not that we can’t afford to do something, usually just to front us some money ahead of us having it to save us having to get credit, like we had a big car bill last year, rather than making us leverage other things she’s got more money easily to hand so she’ll lend it to us and we pay her back within a few months. If she didn’t do it we would still cope, we’d just either have to raid our own much more modest savings or pay interest, my mum being at a point of her life where she is much more financially fluid would rather she just help. I don’t see that as me not being equipped for the world tbh. I understand it’s lucky though, and I will be the same with my kids.

I am 34 married with a teenager & preteen. I don’t understand people my age who behave like little kids, i know someone too who expects her dad to taxi her around at 35! It’s quite frankly embarrassing.

I dont have a great relationship with my parents and as such I find adult dependency on parents a bit ick BUT its my issue because of my own challenging relationship with my parents. Families are unique snd complicated, its best not to judge people too harshly as we rarely have all the facts.