Are my friends ungrateful and spoilt or am I unreasonable?

Isn't it the parents fault for babying their adult kids.

That doesn’t mean your parents have to bail you out of every predicament. There’s a point where adult children should be able to manage independent of their parents. There’s idea that people into their 30s still expect parents to help them financially, provide childcare, help sort their cars etc is infantilising. At what point do you stand on your own two feet (you meaning generically not you specifically).

Yes, i know a couple of people who lived with their parents until their 40s/50s when parents died. The parents probably did a lot for them when they were younger but by the time the adult children were in their 40s it was the other way around if anything.

I can never get all the criticism of people who opt to remain at home with their parents into their 30s and even 40s. It is their choice, so if it suits all concerned, what is the matter with it? I lived at home well into my 40s - loved every (nearly) minute of it, whilst still leading a perfectly normal life outside, with jobs and boyfriends, etc. It was a far nicer home than anything I could have afforded. My parents were wonderful, and no, they didn't give me money just because I asked. Yes, my father did buy me a new car, but I had to pay him back every month until it was paid for (and quite right too!).

You’re not wrong OP!! I moved out when I was 20 and since then I’ve paid for absolutely everything myself.

My sister however is 10 years older than me and my parents only stopped paying for her car and phone and god knows whatever else extra when I moved out at 20. She had been married with kids for years.

In fact I do recall one Christmas receiving my Christmas money from parents and buying a TV licence with the money. Sister had a tantrum that she would have to use her Christmas money to cover the cost of a repair for a scrape she put on her car herself and Dad paid for that for her.

The thing about threads like this is you get people who genuinely do not get it and also don't get that they don't get it.

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I'll be honest, my half brother lived at home with my Dad and stepmother until he was 38. They did everything for him and he resented their level of control, they moaned if he was out of work andcontrolled aspects of his lie. They paid for his car insurance repairs (the car was their old one when they upgraded) he lived for next to nothing.
I left home at 18 and never went back, I can say hand on heart that I never envied him at all- I thought the level of support was unfair, because I got none, but I never ever wanted to be in that situation .
The difference may be that I am 13 years older than my brother and family situations shifted in those years.

You are not being at all unreasonable BUT it is up to the parents to step back and let their kids adult and that gets harder to do the more entrenched things are. Standing back and letting your kids face the consequences of their own decisions is one of the hardest things to do, especially when you know you could easily make everything nice for them. I wonder if seeing this makes you feel sad about what you didn't get? If so, I get that - it must be painful to see your friends take for granted something that you never had.

Maybe the parents offered! Maybe they are well off and thinking it's better to give money now than later and potentially pay inheritance tax etc. Who knows.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with someone living at home at 34, paying for adult child's holiday or a dad fixing a car.

Adult living at home needs to grow up and do things around the house.

Holiday friend, yes they should learn how to manage money but I wouldn’t say they are ungrateful, just lucky to have parents like that.

Car friend, she probably is grateful and loves her dad, but she can still also find him annoying for moaning.

That’s great, give and take is the key. It’s what makes the world go around.

See, that’s the difference. Your Mum freely decided to help you out without you putting pressure on her, and you are grateful. I’m sure if your Mum ever needs help you will be right there. It’s the sense of ungratefulness and entitlement of OP’s friends that is the problem. They expect everything done for them as of right but never do anything to help their parents in return or seem appreciative. No problem with adults living with parents as long as they behave like adults and take equal responsibility for the household. When they act like grabby toddlers it is a problem.

I’m the same with my adult kids and adult grandchildren. I like helping them for ‘extra’ stuff. They don’t ask. I offer,

In return they support me in other ways, as I’m a widow, abd struggle doing done stuff.

It’s what families do, I thought. 🤷‍♀️

I would expect friend 1 to pay her parent back as soon as she can. After all, surely when she booked it she expected to pay for it before she actually got on the plane? Not paying it back indicates she basically pressured the parent to give her a free holiday, that’s different to a parent making a free choice to treat their child. It’s not clear from the OP whether her friend did pay it back or not.

I left home at 18. Never had or expected any help with my children and now our children are grown up. One still lives at home and will have to live with us forever. If we can help them out in any way shape or form we do. Because I never had that and I always vowed that I would do it differently.

This its so weird! I don't want to be so dependent on my parents, I like my independence!

Agreed.

Also have you considered some people just like to help others.

My mum has a bit of extra money and gives me and my sister £150 month to help with bills. We are very grateful.
Everyone is able to help each other out where they can whether it be fixing someones car or DIY etc. It's just what we do in our family.

X

What baffles me is the short-sightedness of these parents who do everything for their adult kids - they aren't helping them at all. In a few years time, the parents won't be around and then what will the "kids" do? It's a parent's job to teach responsibility, independence and resilience..... which some indulgent parents are absolutely failing to do.

I think you are a bit jealous because your friends are getting heaps of unconditional love and care and you didn't get that. I understand, my parents are shit and I feel the same. My DH parents would do anything and everything for him and initially I did scoff a bit but now I get it, they are showing their love. And they get to act like kids a bit longer while we were forced to grow up.
Yes people should be grateful for help and all that but that is their parent/child relationship. Lucky them.

A couple I know, 34 and 32, are getting married this weekend. They're the typical young professional higher earners, one's a planner and one's a surveyor and haven't a clue about anything practical. Their parents baby them. To be fair they can cook using a box and instructions from Hello Fresh. They go away and drag their retired parents down to their house and dog sit, and also get them to fix the car, do jobs in the house etc. They're taking the absolute piss because they can afford to pay for this sort of thing. I'd be embarrassed.

YANBU. I’m on really good terms with my mum, but I haven’t asked her to do anything like this since my very early 20s. I knew how to put air in my car tyres etc from young, and always worked part time since I was 16 to pay for holidays with friends, which I paid for entirely over 18. I never ask my mum for money for anything. She kindly contributed some towards our wedding and a new carpet for part of our first home, but she offered, I never ask.

I felt a strong urge to be independent from around 14/15, and felt like I was too old to be back at home briefly after uni. I won’t be encouraging that sort of lack of initiative with my own children, that’s for sure! They need to learn how to think and problem solve.

Not if friend 1 has a habit of chucking money into things they haven’t read and then need bailing out of. I plan to be a supportive parent of adults but in my book supportive is saying oh well I guess you can’t afford that holiday would you like to come over to dinner?

I think all your examples make me cringe OP, so I see your point. It sounds like the parents are also complicit even the last complaining dad as he attended to sort the car (all the parents' actions are clearly kind)

My ILs are so enmeshed with each other that FIL is completely useless if MIL isnt present to sort everything. She then complains she has to do everything. Its an environment she has created over 45 yrs. She tries the same with DH, he bats her away. She has more success with his brother. I find it weird..as someone said upthread some parents want that dependency.

I have a friend in her 40's with a husband, and they are exactly the same, parents gave deposit for house, in last couple of years so they both had plenty of time to save, money twos cars etc.

Ha indeed, my mum gave us £1000 for Easter this year 🤣