Are my friends ungrateful and spoilt or am I unreasonable?

we are an ungrateful socieity overall... libraries provide free access to books and free internet, etc.

Sorry what?!! The cost of libraries is more than repaid in what they give back to society in terms of literacy, access to education and learning, community, support with returning to the workforce, social contact, support for writers, access to books for children and those who could not otherwise afford them.... yes in many ways people are spoiled and ungrateful but that's got nothing to do with library services!!

I have a mother with dementia an and am estranged from my father. I look at all the help my working friends get and feel quite envious. I work to but less hours as I do everything plus have my mum to deal with. When they whine about their parents not being available for this or that I have to bite my lip.

My mom does a lot for me NOW... But my dad isn't in my life... So I do sympathize with you. However, I am always grateful for what my mom does. I'm 36, there was oh about 2 decades where she didn't do squat for me... So I think it's honestly a guilt thing for her... Or something she's working through on her own treason she likes doing for me... And a lot of times it isn't technically for me... It's for my kids but it feels like it's for me lol. So I get it I wish I had a dad to do the stuff I see dads do for my friends... And I too get jealous. You should speak up and tell them about themselves!! Maybe they just don't know they are being buttholes lol.

Why don’t you just explain what you mean?

@StripedTee - see what I mean?

Families and family relationships vary and all situations have pros and cons!
My husband died aged 48 yrs and it changed the dynamic in our family,my adult children(one lives at home,one doesnt) and i have a closer relationship as a result of that loss.We support each other practically perhaps more than we did previously. Some would find it too much ,some would be jealous of the support.

He isn’t a saint, he’s a martyr. What kind of adult pisses and moans their way through something they have offered/agreed to do? That is manipulation at its finest.

Families do stuff for each other. They have different dynamics that you are not privy to. I’m not sure why it’s so problematic to you how other people live.

This constant “I moved out at 18 and never got any help from my parents” is a ridiculous narrative. I moved out for uni, moved back, moved 600 miles away and moved back for a bit because my flat had tenants. I moved away again but moved back for a bit when a house I bought turned out to need a lot more work than we thought. If something went wrong now and I needed to, I could move back again. I could have managed all those things on my own, but having family to help made things easier. Having a safety net had allowed me to take risks which have largely worked in my favour. I will be providing the same safety net for my own daughter. I am hugely aware of this privilege and feel very sad for those who don’t have it. I refuse to be judged for it, though.

I am a successful professional

I think there is a difference between living at home as a housemate (paying bills, doing your share of housework etc), and living at home as an overgrown child.
I say this as someone who was kicked out at 18. I would like to support my children in some way when they're adults, but it's already been made clear to them that if they stay living with us when they're adults, then they are housemates and will be expected to contribute as such.

Of course not, it was unnecessary and hurtful

There are many forms of independence. I’m married, I depend on my husband in different ways in daily life. It’s healthy for adults to enter into relationships that are interdependent and that offer mutual support. I’m also financially independent - I could run my life and provide for my kids without his input if need be.

That’s very different to expecting my parents to continue with financial and practical help when I am well into adulthood. They’ve done their job, they raised me to adulthood able to make my own decisions and to live with the consequences of those decisions, to be autonomous and to care for my kids and my home, with my husband as their parent.

My DD has complex needs, she will need a lot of support well into adulthood and that’s ok, as her mum I’ll always be there for her but it’s a source of sadness that she won’t be able to be fully autonomous and independent because, as her parent, I want that for her. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, all things being equal, to want your children to be independent adults.

Yeah, this would annoy me too op.

I had parents who went out of their way to make it clear that that they wouldn't support me, either financially or as it turns out emotionally. I swore that I wouldn't follow their pattern.

I choose to help my DD financially (she is in her late 20's). We gave her money towards a flat deposit last year. I pick up skincare that I know that she likes and take her and her partner out for dinner. I love being able to do it. She definitely doesn't take it for granted.

Top comment. They will never understand. (And yes, I am married, the main breadwinner, but I am not independent).

You are not being unreasonable. You are absolutely right. There is ungratefulness overall in our society. Nobody is grateful to have clean drinking water, OK, let us forget about it, but nobody is grateful to have abundant running hot water and flushing toilets - 10 years ago on the Isle of Bute we viewed a house for sale with an outdoor toilet and it drove it home how ungrateful we are for what we have. On the same Isle there was an abandoned cottage with a glass house where we used to sneak in as children (we always shut the door behind us when we left) and we saw that there was no shower, not hot running water there, they must have washed in the sink.

We are an ungrateful society overall - children don't have to work (think of the third world), libraries provide free access to books and free internet, etc. etc. It is no wonder we take more and more for granted, including our parents. Your friends are pathetic, you are not being unreasonable. And your desire for loving, caring parents is not unreasonable either. And neither your thought 'If I had parents like that, I would have never treated them so shoddily', is not unreasonable either.
Modern adult children are often disgusting - my friend who brought up her child single-handedly and went without, recently decided to surprise her only child, on a hospital university placement in hospital accommodation 1.5 hours away from my friend (she has no car), by public transport. She brought the child's favourite takeaway (child was saying on the phone of no time to cook, etc.) from a chain of takeaways, by public transport, to her accommodation. I asked my friend what the reaction was, the 'child' must have been surely delighted by the food and the unprompted thought behind it? She said, the reaction was 'you forgot the sauce'.

It's laughable how many on this thread are claiming to be completely independent, but then concede that they're married! There's nothing independent about being intertwined with a spouse.

They'll probably look after their parents in their old age whereas you won't have to

Ok then.

I don't see the difference between a regular monthly amount and a one off large sum. I am sure it happens a lot. Most people aren't going to talk about it.

As someone also with a shitty parent, I know exactly what you mean. It’s people with wonderful parents who take them for granted, it’s the attitude of the DC not the actual acts of support.

An in-law in particular drives me insane - doesn’t she know how wonderful her parents are?? How could she treat them like that?? When you’ve had parents that don’t love you, the rejection of perfectly decent parents is a big trigger 😂

But that’s exactly what it is, it’s a trigger and it’s my issue (and yours in this case). I remind myself how lucky my in law is to not ever have to learn the lesson that I did or have that aspect of my life experience. And for me, how lucky I am to have these in laws 🫶🏻

I suspect some of themes from this discussion will be very prominent in another trending topic today, which is NEET (Not in Employment, Education or training). From my own anecdotal experience, I know of 3 friends/acquaintances who have teenagers, in one case, a grown man living at home, who do absolutely nothing. They don't work, are not in college. They don't even sign on (presumably because that would require them to look for work). The parents in these cases just support them, seemingly ask nothing from them, occasionally get annoyed that they get up late, stay up late, make mess and do nothing around the himself. I can't get my head around it. Nationally, I see fro. The data that the majority of NEETS are boys. What's going on with parents of boys do we think? My experience is that boys seem to have fewer demands made of them by their parents (for what reason I don't know, maybe parents fear thry will be pressuring them?), and a lot respond to this by doing absolutely nothing and sponging off them.

I don’t know why you don’t get it

Financial help to buy a house is one thing; monthly assistance to pay bills though? The thing is the sense of entitlement. One friend in particular moans about her parents not offering childcare whilst at the same time taking their money every month.

Those that think adult children should never receive money from their parents do you not think that happens a lot nowadays? Not everyone talks about it but many receive financial help to buy a house etc. It doesn't mean they aren't independent adults.

I have friends- aged in their forties!! - who still depend on the bank of mum and dad on a monthly basis. Fucking ridiculous.