Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

But in that second her DH wasn’t behaving rationally. He heard his mothers name and died in the same sentence and of course he isn’t going to assume it’s Judith Chalmers, he is going to think the worst as he’s already stressed and anxious

AI reply.

Nobody is going to send her a message on her phone from the hospital to say her mil was dead. They’d inform him first as next of kin and not by her text. He's stupid. Overreacting and illogical.

My adult son has ASD and ADHD. I still expect him to have some thought for others and he knows he can't go through life annoying and upsetting others. It's important because, to put it bluntly, he would be terribly upset if it happened to him. He's had to learn that others also have feelings, to empathise and to try to engage brain before opening mouth.

My partner had ADHD and while he doesn’t blurt things like this out, he is often just very blunt. However, being an adult he knows this isn’t something he can just do, and makes efforts to think before he speaks. I’m afraid OP, having adhd isn’t an excuse to simply take no accountability for your actions. You need to engage your brain, especially if you’re aware you have tendencies that can impact people around you. I speak as someone with their own neurodivergencies who also has to be self aware at all times. It’s exhausting but it’s necessary in order to be considerate to the people around you.

The problem is from other people's perspective you are what you do. People can't read your mind and often won't be sure what your motivations are. It's easiest to make decisions on who we want around us by their behaviour.

I get that this sucks for people with limited control over their behaviour.

What an ignorant thing to say. NT enough to write something? Can you know see that writing is totally different from speaking?

I don't need to imagine

I am autistic with ADHD (audhd)
I have had countless hours of therapy and medication and a lot of time to self teach

The responses to this post shows just how little understanding and empathy there is for ADHD. Luckily my partner knows my soul and knows I would never intentionally hurt him even know my mouth blurts out things before my brain has engaged. It’s one of the worst parts of this condition, people misinterpreting and judging you for being mean and thoughtless when you are anything but, op will be feeling awful now. If this happened with my partner he would be upset but he knows I would never hurt him so would forgive very quickly,

Imagine you had a condition that made you act in ways beyond your control, that made people think you were just thoughtless. How would you even begin to address the fact that people dismiss your difficulties because it’s too hard for them to try to understand and so they prefer to label you as thoughtless.

Huge hugs to both you and your husband OP. I'm sure you will be giving him those hugs yourself and saying the biggest of sorrys to him when you have the chance.

I can't believe the poisonous comments on this post. Accusations that the OP "knew exactly what she was doing" are highly ignorant and make me fear for my children's future. There are far more helpful stances to take on neurodevelopmental differences which everyone stands to benefit from.

I live with 3 ND people - DH, and both DDs - and sometimes things happen which no one intends but are very difficult to live with, particularly at times when I have my own shit to deal with such as caring for my parents, bereavement and recurrent miscarriage. Ultimately we stick together by focussing on the strengths we each have, and the ways these make us a beautifully unique family.

You didn't do anything on purpose OP, and one sticky moment doesn't take away from support you - and only you - give him during what comes next. Chin up, he needs you xxx

And the sister getting it immediately while OP did not, is the difference between someone who has ADHD and someone who does not.

You mean neurotypical people don’t react like that. OP is ND and ADHD quite often does involve people blurting things out inappropriately because the thought is expressed before the brain has time to process it properly. It’s not premeditated, and clearly not pre planned because it was asa result of a news update on OP’s phone.

So your sister gets it, but you don’t. Yeah, can see why he’s had enough.

Tell me you have no clue about ADHD. This is the most exhausting part of it for me. People making out you are nasty and thoughtless when you literally have little control before something is out your mouth. She didn’t plan this and had no bad intention behind it. Op just apologise and try not to give yourself too much of a hard time, I know how you will be feeling

I suspect they would, yes. This thread is rapidly becoming a masterclass in the lack of understanding of what ADHD actually is and the prevailing belief that it’s just an excuse for bad behaviour is astounding.

The blurting is a separate issue from exactly what you blurted.

You called Judith Chalmers “Judith” as though she was a member of your own family. I wonder whether your sister wondered if you were referring to your mil.

The fact that your DH has gone to stay elsewhere means that he thinks you did this deliberately imo. Or that you have other issues and this pushed things over the edge. Going to stay elsewhere rather than sleeping on sofa/spare room is quite major.

It was an accident, you were talking with your sister and had your head in your family back ground, you apologised. His obviously very on edge but with all honestly I don’t think you did anything wrong and his completely over reacted, maybe apologise again but that should be the end of it. There’s more to his reaction than this that prob needs addressing though

Just FYI, this is still up and has now been featured on the Mumsnet Facebook page.

my eldest has `ADHD

Then you really should know better than to suggest OP ‘knew exactly what she was doing’.

Accidental my arse!

No one reacts like that to the death of a celebrity that hasn't been heard of in decades. You knew exactly what you were doing.

Yes

Oh Christ he really has over reacted something similar happened to me. My kids and I were at my mums having tea. My brother in laws dad was called Paul, my kids dad (ex husband we were still married at the time) is also called Paul. Well my mum just blurted out to me “Paul’s dead”. The kids all aged between 10 and 5 said ‘what daddy’s dead’ we actually all found the funny side immediately even the kids. It’s just one of those things. The kids still laugh about it ‘remember that time Grammy said Paul was dead and we thought it was dad’

i think your husband has had a massive overreaction

When your neurotypical partner is experiencing the worst kind of trauma, if you love them you do need to mask. There's no getting around it. You can't expect love, tolerance and flowers round the door, disability or no disability when someone is in the raw stages of grief they are struggling with their own day to day existence. I know as this was me a year ago

Upu tnink in a population of £70million, there is only one judith in high dependency??