Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

And what specific action would that be ? She’s already said she’s about to start treatment.

I can feel your remorse OP & I'm sure you will be forgiven when your DH has got over the shock. This could be a time when you consider having ADHD doesn't exempt you from consequences for your actions. It's just something you need to work on.

Apology without action will leave your cousins yelling, “Do it properly!” Lolz.

Are you ND ? If not maybe consider that you’re coming at this from an NT point of view. OP isn’t saying she doesn’t understand his reaction - she does and has reiterated that point several times. The point here is that her condition - for want of a better way of putting it - engaged her mouth before her brain had caught up properly. It’s a common trait of ADHD in my experience and one of the reasons that sufferers spend a lot of their lives apologising - largely because the condition is misunderstood and people automatically jump to offence.

Unless OP has taken specific action to stop it happening again before apologizing, sounds like the apology will not be accepted.

My advice is unchanged. I said I didn’t blame OP and I meant that. I’ve hurt my spouse with my ADHD ways, and we’re doing well, because I’m willing to get help.

Yes, but we need to stop the accusations of 'ableist' at NT people who have to step away from relationships with ND or mentally ill people when it is directly damaging their mental health.

If you have the condition yourself, surely you understand that like any medical condition, there are degrees. OP has been clear on the fact that as yet she is unmedicated and shortly to start treatment. She’s also been clear on the reason she blurted it out, and the fact that the offence and hurt it caused was unintentional. Why would you pretzel yourself like this to try to prove otherwise ?

I agree. In OP’s DH’s case this sounds a bit straw that broke the camels’ back, but I think NT people can also be guilty of sticking around too long and blaming their ND partners for something over which they have little or no control. I think, as I said upthread, there is a tendency to lump ND conditions into one category with no nuance - as with all disability, there are degrees.

But @DilettanteRedRagger the OP has already said, further down the thread:

'I’m definitely the one at fault I know that'.

Which should satisfy the online critics.

Though am just thinking of my cousins who used to have a ritual when one was made to say sorry: 'No, say it properly! Louder! Say it like you mean it! Babier!'

I have adhd and asd and so is my whole family.
I can see why it would make someone go off on a tangent mid convo because they'd read an announcement, but it doesn't have any relevance to why someone would blurt it out using first name only when it's actually the name of the MIL currently in hospital.

I think maybe a little rush of excitement and attention for upsetting people gives OP a wee dopamine hit, like an immature teenager might.

Sounds like it's been pushed too far this time

It's not about this situation.

The reason why he's reacted like this is because this is one of many, many things that's been annoying him or upsetting him over the years, and although what you did was an accident, it's sent him over the edge.

I think you need to be prepared yourself for the fact that this could have been the last straw for him and he'll be asking for a divorce soon.

Yep.
Your MIL is called Judith? And you blurted out Judith’s dead? C’mon OP 🙄
I can understand his reaction.

No.

No.

I’ve known quite a few “certified” geniuses with the emotional intelligence of a gnat and this is usually their excuse too. It used to be my excuse as well, and then I realized, if a brain moves that fast, good news - you can train it not to speak.

So, I get it. You think this is something you can’t “help.” Good news; you can. Everyone else with ADHD makes their spouse upset sometimes too. But those of us who want to keep our marriage, we use the knowledge available and the plasticity of our brains to develop a two-second delay filter because we care, and because even ADHD brains have the plasticity to train. I am NOT trying to pretend this is an easy thing to do, but if your level of impulsivity is hurting the people you love most, it’s time to get help.

It sounds like you already have your ADHD diagnosis, so just tell your GP you need to get some counseling because your ADHD-related impulsivity is affecting your marriage. Just regular counseling. Nothing specialized needed. Any counselor that matches your learning style can help.

Schedule the GP appointment, apologize to your DH for upsetting him, and tell him you understand that this is something that upset him deeply, you understand he’s upset about your impulsivity in the past as well, you want to stop causing unintentional harm, and you’ve made an appointment to get advice for next steps with your GP.

Do not apologize to him if you think this isn’t your fault at all because brain is brain. You will do it again and again, if that’s the case, it will keep building the resentment he already had (that’s why this blew up; his emotions over his mother PLUS past resentment for your ADHD-related impulsivity excuses). Apologies require real action and introspection if you have ADHD, to make behavioral change “stick.”

This is NOT me blaming you.

I get that you didn’t mean to hurt him. I have ADHD and do the same thing sometimes. But my DH also knows I’m actively working on it in therapy and willing to try medication. It’s made a huge difference here; maybe it could over there as well.

If your dad was called David too though and currently ill in the high dependency ward, then you'd probably want others to be specific when doing a death announcement for Attenborough

If you told me David has died I would say David who, unless my father was called David and was seriously ill in hospital, in which case I would freak out!

Because his mum is in high dependency ward at the hospital and they're all worrying about that.

This thread will not be any more useful to the original poster, or to other Mumsnetters, from additional posts making the point, repeatedly, ad nauseam, again and again as if they are the first person to have noticed it, that most people would have included the surname.

We do…..!
ditto David (Attenborough)
Judi (Dench)

It would depend what emergency numbers they had and which one they used, but the first thing on your mind wouldn't be how does she know, if your partner just told you Judith (your mother) has died.

That might be a later conversation with the hospital about how did they screw up the communications.

Surely you would have used the full name Judith Chalmers. Not just Judith, he will have gone though a huge emotional upset in those few moments before you corrected yourself, no wonder he is really upset.

Yes, you were perhaps a bit insensitive in saying that sentence out loud within his hearing, but his reaction is totally OTT. Under what circumstances would you ever receive news of his mother’s death before him?! He must know that.

Well - people are a bit odd, aren't they. They're very rarely as we expect them to be. Best not to judge!

I think often the NT person in these relationships internalise this message too much and stick around in relationships that damage their mental health for way longer than they should. I know i did with ASD exH.

NT people can get stressed and depressed too, it is not exclusively the domain of the neurodiverse.

Then do you not think you should have some empathy and understanding for someone who clearly doesn’t have as much control and insight as you do, and who is only just starting the journey of treatment ? There are degrees in any disability and no two people will be affected in exactly the same way. A concept that seems to be alien to mumsnetters.

I can related to the. Dh is amazing in how he practically cares at home, helps out a lot but no emotional warmth or connection. Sadly one of my dc has similar traits. You could literally be in pain, physical or mental, and they are not able to express genuine warmth, there is just an eternal dissociation, or they just remain focus on whatever was top on their mind before.