Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

Good for you I guess?????

Do those of us who had to leave a relationship because of the impact of someone's ADHD are allowed to comment?

I have ADHD and I don't have this issue.

Honestly, I can imagine that kind of behaviour becoming very wearing when you're married to it. Sounds like you definitely need to try harder to be more careful.

This x10000

Got it. OP should be given a free pass for her mistakes, OP's DH should be hung out to dry for his.

FFS how nasty his mother is seriously ill your lack of empathy is astounding for someone in his position and the shock he must have got.

When DH's dad died I phoned my sister and literally said "Name is dead". She knew who I meant. When I called my work to take time off I referred to him as my FIL.

Cultural icons get full named.

Try having ADHD for 1 day, then maybe you’ll be less sanctimonious about an honest (and minor) mistake

@colachive

Maybe the op’s dh should take your advice and ditch the ‘bellend’ he married?

Is the grace that you want other people to show towards those with ADHD a one-way thing, or should people with ADHD also be aware of the impact that can be caused by them saying whatever it is that's just come in to their brain?

People make mistakes and arguably people with adhd make more mistakes than some. But. I’m exhausted with an adhd daughter and partner and when you said the stuff in your op about how you just do things like that and have adhd - and seem to think he doesn’t get to have feelings about your mistakes because you have adhd - i was a bit irritated on his behalf. You didn’t mean to upset him, but you did, and the upset doesnt just go away because adhd. I’m so tired of arrangements going wrong and things being lost and broken and wveryone looking to me like “fix it or deal with it, I have adhd”. When mistakes get made I can understand and I can help but I still have feelings and I can’t help that. Maybe he feels the same

one of the things I am really sick of is inconsequential things suddenly being barked out like important urgent announcements. Seriously just think whether everyone needs to jump to attention to your thing, the confusion with his mum was what made this one awful but it’s maddening to constantly be bombarded with things that just don’t matter as if a hurricane is coming and we all have to leap up and batten down the hatches

The fact that you’re not tuned in enough to what your husband’s going through to casually throw that out in conversation with a second thought for it being his mother’s name speaks volumes. I have ADHD, but in this situation, I’d be so hyper focused on what my poor DH is going through that I wouldn’t make this error.

Also, nobody refers to people they don’t know by first name only like that. It’s making me feel like you purposefully provoked him.

I think so too. OP got the drama she wanted with her ‘mistake’. And only realised afterwards how shitty it was.

Your husband is a jerk.

It sounds like there is a massive backstory. Perhaps the impulsivity is having more impact on the relationship than OP realizes.

So when OP's DH reacts to something thoughtless that OP has done he's a bellend who should be discarded because he doesn't understand who OP is. Particularly as this appears to be one of many instances of OP putting her foot in it. But OP has no obligation to understand who her DH is despite the fact that his mother is at death's door. It's all about OP and OP's feelings.

Gosh, one might almost see that as a massive double standard.

This. I have a relative who says provocative things then denies having meant anything by it at all if anyone challenges her on it. It might be adhd related in that it’s wanting the stimulation of Something Happening over peace but it’s not just ‘speaking without thinking’.

Jesus, I wish some of the judgemental posters on this thread could live just one day with ADHD and realise how much effort it takes to stop your mouth saying what's just come into your brain.

Nearly all of my posts on here try to make the OP feel better. I think it’s human instinct. Most of the time if I can’t agree with them, I don’t post.

But today I feel compelled to tell you that was an awful situation. What you did was unbelievably hurtful. ADHD is no excuse or reason to blurt such a crass, insensitive thing. As others have said - who on earth is Judith Charmers to you? Is she your auntie? My judgement is also coloured by the “oooh 90 year old tv personality has died” ghouls. I hate it. Do people want to be the first one to spread the news?

Your DH is clearly preparing himself mentally for the loss of his mother and you showed you just aren’t thinking about how he is feeling at all.

This! Especially with all the “oh poor you op! How dare he be upset with you!!”

These “serves him right” comments are horrible. It doesn’t sound like he was listening in on purpose. It’s not unreasonable for him to think you were talking about his mum as that’s the main Judith he knows.

He’s had a shock, he needs some space to calm down and see you blurted out the name of someone else without thinking. It’s like when a kid wanders off and the parent is so scared and then relieved to find them that they end up shouting at/telling the kid off. They are overwhelmed with different emotions because they care a lot and don’t mean to be angry at the kid

Yes but she wasn’t talking to him. He should use his common sense and realise there are other people in the world.

I come from a culture where we wouldn’t even say our parents name out loud because it’s seen as disrespectful, but in this situation I would see that OP was in a conversation with someone else and was not addressing me.

Many years go, before mobile phones, my Dad was in hospital with leukaemia. I was at work one day in a big training session and someone from HR came in with a message for me to “call home urgently”. My heart stopped, I almost threw up, ran to a landline to call my Mum, no answer. Rang the hospital who said “oh yes, your Dad is here, doing fine, would you like to speak to him?”

I was obviously relieved but so traumatised I went home sick from work. Got to my shared flat and went inside to find my ditzy university mate who had stayed over the night before sitting in my living room. “WTF are you still doing here?” i said. “Thank God you came home, I was locked in and couldn't get to work” she said. Turned out my flatmate had had no idea my friendwas there and had double locked our door on leaving. So the message to “urgently call home” had come from my friend, who was
well aware how ill my Dad was….I was NOT impressed with her choice of words…

Maybe this is the consistent lack of thought your husband is referring to.