Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

OP feels awful about it and apologized to him.

She doesn't need to engage in self-flagellation. She's allowed to not be ok with his reaction.

And OP is also allowed to be hurt by his response and to deal with that in her own way also.
I would be very upset if I accidentally made someone feel that shock and panic for a moment, however I would not be ok with them treating me like I had intentionally done something badly to them.
The right to have feelings and a response doesn't stop at her partners response.

He definitely did overreact.
It's one thing to have got a shock and became upset but it's quite another to treat her as if she'd done something awful.

ND people don't have to change just to suit NT people.

OP you made a mistake and apologised, so don't beat yourself up, but equally your DH is under a lot of stress and had an awful shock, so he may need a bit of time, and he's not unreasonable to feel that way. Neither of you are really in the wrong, it's just a really difficult stressful time so nerves are going to be a bit frayed.

Yes they could try I agree, but following work I have done in this field, impulsivity & spontaneity is, if not an over-riding side effect, whilst certainly not over-all, it does appear to be a common one. The ‘looking before you leap’ (or speak), simply doesn’t factor in. Those with ADHD often wish there was a filter.

Not how the very basic concept of human perception works, the type of thing most learn very young.

You hear things like your own name, or things that are very relevant to you at that time, or your profession, or home town etc, etc clearly even from a crowd of noise where you can't make out anything else at all. Pretending this was deserved when everyone knows this basic fact is pretty childish.

This wasn't 'behaviour'.

Really I think the point is that it's very likely his mother is dying. I mean it must have been obvious that she was on the phone to her sister so why would she alone know that her MIL had died and be telling her sister. Yes, it would have have given him an initial shock. I think he is concentrating on OP's inadvertent faux pas to avoid the real issue that his mother is possibly dying.

Watching the programme in the 90s doesn’t mean that when you say “Judith” to your sister she would instantly know you meant Judith Chalmers, especially when your own (very sick) mother in law is also called Judith. It was a very very odd thing for you to say. The notification said “Judith Chalmers” yet you dropped the surname for no apparent reason. Bizarre.

For real?

its weird that you referred to Judith chambers as just Judith as if you are pals.
I just can’t figure out why you’d say this.

I guess the converse is that we cant, and wouldn’t, wish the stress of a loved one critically ill on those who can’t grasp the husband’s reaction.

It’s great - albeit surprising given the claims about having no control over words or actions - that your reactions in such circumstances have been perfect. Perhaps we could cut the husband some slack however.

Do you think people without ADHD don't have to check their mouths before they speak? Pausing for 5 seconds before saying the first thing that comes into your head is a good idea. If I articulated every thought I had, lordy help me. I have to rephrase things so I don't offend people. It's not this magic automatic thing non ADHD people have.

@CaesarAugusta but equally, it doesn't seem as if it was unreasonable of the OP to think her sister would know who she meant, or to catch on pretty quickly.

When I talk to my sister, I don't assume that she thinks of my in-laws automatically when I'm chatting, and mention names that overlap with theirs. She sees them very rarely and they just wouldn't come up much in conversation.

It sounds as if the husband was irritated by her talking to her sister on the phone, chatting away, while he was there. He might be just feeling the strain, or he might be more fundamentally unhappy in his relationship and using this as 'the reason'.

If the OP is a speech clutterer (the blurting and speed she describes are consistent with it), it's not a matter of being thoughtless and morally-deficient, but having a speech disorder.

Unless you know how genuine ADHD affects you as a person, I'd suggest you button it.
OP, you were talking to your sister I think this is a genuine mistake and your husband is going through something many of us have gone through, and us taking it out on you.

It sounds line a few things:
dh is on edge about his dmum
dh is frustrated with OP
dh used the situation to vent his frustration with op

sum: there are issues in the relationship between dh and op

Oh, but they could try. 🙄

His mother is in HDU, you should be cutting him lots of slack, apologising and being gentle with him. "It’s how I’ve always been" is not an excuse, it's what selfish people say.

That’s about as likely, or helpful, as asking someone with a broken leg to run a marathon.

Tell him to get over himself how are you expected to know he was lurking nearby eavesdropping l.
you haven’t killed his mum mate it was a throwaway comment read from a notification whilst chatting you didn’t purposefully set out to hurt him.
By fucking off in a sulk he is of course purposely hurting you. 😔

why would he imagine you’d hear of his s mums passing first or that you’d casually inform your sister 🙄 he didn’t and doesn’t

Yes. You need to apologise, and you need to learn to think before you speak. You have no excuse. For heaven's sake, you made your DH think his mother had died, and from what you've said it seems likely that there have been a few things that you've said that have upset him recently.

This sounds very contrived to me. You either made it up or did it to hurt your DH deliberately.

If its true (which I don’t believe for a minute it is) you need to stop just excusing your thoughtlessness and damaging behaviour by saying ‘My ADHD is the reason for my thoughtlessness, its just how I am’ and seek help for it and really work on the things you know you do that are hurting your family.

Who the heck is Kylie Kardashian?
I immediately thought Kylie Minogue!!
I appreciate not the point of the thread.😆

If your MIL had died and for some reason you knew before her next of kin, surely you would tell him (kindly) before your sister.
Although his panic brain won’t have registered that.

I’m surprised by some of the reactions here. Surely if his mum had died he would be the one to be notified first rather than you? I think he over reacted probably due to being emotional over the situation in general which is understandable. But I don’t think you did anything wrong either, you weren’t having a conversation with him, he just unfortunately overheard something out of context and panicked. It was a simple misunderstanding and I don’t think you deserve to be raked over the coals for it.