Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

He's not treating her badly. He has removed himself from the situation and is spending time with close family who can support him better at this difficult time, and who are going through the same loss. That's a pretty mature response I'd say.

Sorry, OP but you sound like a nightmare to live with. Your DH was not overreacting and your referring to Judith Chalmers as ‘Judith’ is utterly ridiculous - she wasn’t ’Elvis’ for God’s sake.
How many times you must have done things like this to make your DH finally lose it. Sounds like this was the last straw.
And being sorry just doesn’t cut it.

A relationship can also be damaged immeasurably if one person cannot accept the other.

A genuine effort to repair is to apologise and to say that she felt awful. She does not need to engage in self-flagellation.

A partner 'needing space' and staying elsewhere can be a huge thing in a relationship. I wouldn't be ok with that either unless I had intentionally done something wrong.

The hurt and damage this kind of chronic thoughtlessness and impulsivity can do in a relationship is immeasurable.

A neurodivergent person may not be able to stop themselves saying insensitive things in impulsive moments but if the relationship is to work, there needs to be a genuine effort to repair the situations that occur. So if by and large Op has been genuinely supportive of her MIL before blurting this out and continues to provide emotional support to her dh by showing compassion and understanding regarding MIL, it will probably be ok as the base line is connection and care. If OP is generally detached and dissociating from her partner's experience in, it will further damage the relationship.

I think your husband is being ridiculous.

Fgs she did apologize!

Strange lapse, OP, as even if you and your sister were huge fans I don’t get why you omitted her last name! But, ADHD etc.

On the other hand, your DH can only have thought it was his mum for less than a second before realizing the mistake. He will hopefully come back soon and you can apologize again!

I can't believe how intolerant MN has become in the past few months.

She did not intend to make him think that, she has apologised and said she feels awful. That's enough. She should not be made to feel like she's done something terrible and needs to change who she is.

This is honestly one of my first memories as a child but the exact same thing happened to my mum when Princess Diana died except it was her friend rather than mum. My step-dad shouted “Diana’s died!” to my mum and she ran down panicking to shit thinking her good friend was dead.

I think it might have been nice to add the surname in. I wouldn’t have had a clue who you meant if you’d just said Judith.

My commiserations. Dh, who I love dearly has a similar history, all good when we were younger but much more difficult for us all to manage now. It's slowly killing me tbh.

For me what comes through with OP and other ADHD / autistic impulsivity is that due to the fact the person isn't considering what they're saying, it's not just what they say but that lack of human or emotional connection in that moment and often afterwards. The words and impulse are dominating and loving connection is absent as it's overridden by the thoughtless, cold and harsh remark. I'm guessing Op's dh is suffering from chronic lack of empathy and kind consideration from his very own partner. It's exhausting.

I can't believe that people think that the OP is being reasonable. I understand she has ADHD, my adult DS has it too, but she's caused panic and distress to her DH by thoughtlessly shouting a remark. He obviously thinks his mum has died when hearing the name. Yet somehow he's at fault? Dear God!

My husband has ADHD, late diagnosed. When we got together 20 years ago he functioned fine, but as time has gone on and responsibilities have been added to our life he has worsened significantly, as is often the case. It is exhausting. The lives of our entire family revolve around his incapacity -everyone has to overcompensate for the things he doesn’t do, the children have long since learned not rely on him for anything and he is also a member of the “it’s just the way I am club”

I obviously don’t know the ins and outs of the OPs marriage but given her husbands reaction I suspect he may be similarly tired and he’s just had enough at a time when he is already highly stressed and emotional.

Yes, ADHD is awful for the people who suffer from it but it’s also terrible for the people who live with them and sometimes, as happens to everyone, things get on top of you and you snap. If she deserves grace, he deserves it too. Suggesting that her husband is BU during a time of immense stress for a normal human reaction to what is probably the latest in a long line of incidents where his feelings have been completely disregarded is ridiculous.

Which may well be just because he's irritated by her because the relationship isn't going well, doesn't mean she's doing something wrong, he may well have liked that about her before, other men could find it endearing, if a person doesn't like the way you are or how your brain works that does not necessarily mean that you're doing something wrong.

Sure. Just as he's allowed to not be ok with her thoughtlessness.

But he said ‘you don’t think before you speak and I’m fed up of you doing this’

No not necessarily, just because he's upset that doesn't mean she's doing something wrong, it could just mean that he doesn't like her very much or the relationship isn't in a good place.
People are often irritated by their partner if the relationship isn't in a good place.

It's the one who are doing the judging who are the problem. That's what is nasty behaviour.

uup. Apparently her name is Jenner? 🤣🤣

That was the comment I was responding to:

If you said "Kylie's dead" or something, most people would think of the popstar.
But Judith Chalmers is not a current celebrity and people never have used a mononym about her. It is pretty obvious in the context how he would take it.

soooo… doesn’t even work with Kylie seeing as the comment section can’t agree on which Kylie we’re talking about.🤣

BUT SHE'S GOT ADHD!

So yes OP, you knew exactly what you were doing and you are not being "unreasonable", you're being a dick.

Has anyone given any thought to the possibility that OP said "Judith" because her ill MiL was on her mind, too? I really din't think it is that far of a stretch. It's certainly nothing to be chastised for. DH freaked, understandable, but OTT, both should apologize.

I think if this was a once off mistake, that’s bad but you must be doing things like this all
the time for him to be this upset.

(still though, my gut feeling is that everyone on earth would have said her full name, and only her family would say just Judith) have you other diagnosis also?

I still can't get over anybody ever, in the 1970'S or now referring to Judith Charmers by her first name alone.

Madonna yes. Cher yes.

But Judith Charmers?!

@bridgetreilly
Your comments are not ok.

They're disgraceful actually.

We know you didn’t mean to hurt him.

But you really, really did hurt him. He is allowed to feel the way that he does about his mother dying. And while he might normally understand that you aren’t good at thinking before you speak, he’s absolutely allowed to be really upset about it this time.

That’s not blowing things out of all proportion. The ‘proportion’ is that he thought his mother had died and that you’d told him in a really offhand way.

You need to work harder at understanding why he reacted the way he did and work a lot harder at not upsetting him, or anyone else, again in the same way. It’s not okay. And it’s definitely not okay to tell him he’s overreacting.

There's two weird things at play here...

1. The fact you just announced her as Judith rather than her full name. As others have said, she's not been relevant for years.

2. Why would you even know this before him, and especially by a notification? Surely as the son, and NOK, he would be notified first if his mum died? I'd expect the hospital to call with such devastating news.

Sorry, I wasn't clear in my sarcasm. I was siding with your comment. ☺️