Accidentally made dh think his dm had died but is his reaction too much?

She did that already--in the OP.

I'd also expect someone listening to one side of a conversation to realise from the intonation that his partner wasn't saying "Judith's dead? " as if it was news she has just been told, as opposed to "Judith's dead!" which was news she was imparting to someone else.

According to the OP, she does blurt things out sometimes so he presumably thought it was something that could happen.

Generally on threads like this the op is Seeking mumsnet “hes a bastard!!” validation and the poor you martyrdom crown!

This sounds completely deliberate on your part.

If this really happened and it just slipped out because you didn't think/can't control it/have adhd/whatever then surely you can see objectively that because his mother is called Judith and is in hospital right now that what you did caused your husband to panic, and his reaction is valid and shouldn't have to be downplayed because you think it's too much.

What I don't understand is why you've created a thread about him over reacting, but your allowed to not think before you speak/put your foot in your mouth and its all okay but hes not allowed to react and needs to reign it in.

Because the BBC spam you with so many minor stories.

I dont think he overeacted at all. What a horrible experience for him.

You were thoughtless, and you know this. But you then don't seem to want to accept the consequences, so I'm with your DP on this, OP. It can be hard work living with someone blurty.

Yep, it’s embarrassing the twists and turns that are being made for op on this thread!
“how DARE he be upset by thinking his mum has died!!! Doesn’t he know he counts for nothing and it is only you that matters!! Poor op! You are absolutely in the right to be upset and complain about his lack of care, compassion and sensitivity here!!” 🙄

You seem genuinely upset that you caused him such distress but as others have said his reaction is understandable given the circumstances. If he doesn’t want to talk, why not write him a sincere apology note and drop it round discreetly. Let him know how sorry you are for causing the distress - probably best not to mention ADHD - and how sorry you are that his mother is so ill etc. He will need your support if the worst happens. Good luck with mending fences.

Saying sorry isn’t really a quick fix for someone’s pain.

I agree with you loislovesstewie

He’s a man. That’s all that matters for many MNers.

Agree with this.

He is allowed to be upset in the circumstances without OP minimising his feelings because she doesn’t like them.

@BronzeHare and @knittedbatman I identify with both of you.

I agree that it is utterly and completely exhausting. When my children were small I couldn’t even guarantee they were safe (gates being left open, hands not being held, etc).

It looks to me as though OP’s husband is reaching a point where he just feels he can’t go on. Let’s hope not.

Apart from medication OP, meditation is also very good for calming your thoughts and slowing down generally. It’s something I’d strongly recommend.

I think that's odd too, but to be fair if we are getting forensic about it, I also wouldn't expect a man to automatically think of his mother when someone says her first name unless he and his partner routinely referred to her as Judith. Even somebody else asking after her would normally say "how's your Mum?" not "how's Judith?" In fact, the fact she said the name at all suggests that they did not routinely use it as a couple to talk about his mother.

I'd also expect someone listening to one side of a conversation to realise from the intonation that his partner wasn't saying "Judith's dead? " as if it was news she has just been told, as opposed to "Judith's dead!" which was news she was imparting to someone else.

He's obviously feeling very fragile about the situation and his reaction was completely understandable. It might just be a result of the current situation, or they may not be well matched. I wish both of them well, anyway.

You did this on purpose, surely? I can’t figure out why though. No one refers to a celebrity by their first name unless it’s Cher or Madonna and even then if your MIL what called Cher you would say ‘the singer Cher.’

Also, he should have known that you weren’t referring to his Mum because how the hell would you know she’s dead without him knowing himself? The whole situation is weird. For whatever reason you were trying to upset him / wind him up and he knows that.

I watched Judith Chalmers avidly as a child and thought her and the programmes she presented were awesome but I couldn’t even remember her name yesterday for a moment when her face flashed up, she hasn’t been in the public eye for a very long time. This wasn’t ADHD, it was something else.

That’s not great but it’s more understandable because people did call Princess Diana just Diana.

And she was very much talked about at the time and your aunt wasn’t ill in hospital either.

Foibles, not double.

I think it's possible that there will be shown to be a link with Tourettes. The major differences seem to be the level of controllability and the level of offence of the words. From what I experience and what I read about Tourettes, the compulsion to speak is shared. The brain simply activates the mouth, it's done before you can think about it. The only solution I have found is simply to stop talking to people. Writing things down for a forum is a great solution.

For the people making some very valid comments about relationships, it's really common for someone with ADHD to link up with someone ASD. My partner is, my best friend is. The traits of each allow them to never feel, or to ignore, or to tolerate the double of the other.

Were you on first name terms with Judith Charmers?
She’s not exactly a figure who was well known by her first name.

Your poor husband just got a fright.

I had a similar situation when the Princess of Wales died. I popped into my parents flat and called "Wow, Diana has died". My poor DF turned white thinking I meant his sister. But the relief when he found it wasn't her was enough to fix my faux pas.

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry 🌺🌺🌺

So there is no filter which = no responsibility for inappropriate behaviour/words used. Does that mean there are types of employment that wouldn’t be suitable for someone with adhd then? Or should people be ok with being told their doctor/lawyer/police officer/teacher/nurse/plumber/shop assistant and so on infinitum is going to say cruel, upsetting, thoughtless things, but that’s ok and if they’re upset/angered/offended then they’re the horrible ones?
It’s an absolute insulting nonsense to have everyone with ADHD given the sticker of “shucks that’s just how I am and you have to accept it or I’ll be upset!”
as you can see by this thread many mnetters with adhd don’t agree with that!

Saying she feels awful make zero difference as it's not about her or how she is feeling (she wasn't the one who got hurt by her outburst) it's about the hurt she caused her loved one. Do you disagree that if in general she is caring and attentive with her dh and especially on the topic of his mother who is unwell, if she shows interest and compassion generally, then an 'oopsie' moment as described by op will not have such an impact. If she is disengaged from his experience and worries around MIL this may well have been the straw that broke the camels back.

I am wondering if OP is on ADHD medication?

She does not need to engage in self-flagellation.
I didn't read anyone suggesting this. It's not about OP beating herself up as that too is self-centred, it's about nurturing the connection with her dh. In this case as she caused enormous surprise and hurt, it may be better to show understanding to his feelings.